Friday, May 29, 2009

Baby on the brain

The last week has just flown by. I feel like I close my eyes at night and days have passed by when I open them again. In reality it's just a mere few hours since I have to either pee or I wake myself up when I roll over onto my back. It is almost impossible for me to stay asleep on my side. The belly just moves the rest of me whether I want it to or not. 

The QTE has been going well. SkyWalker is getting used to it and even if he claims he doesn't need it, he is not fighting me on it. He plays with his toys in his room and as of yet he has not made any "destructive" messes--like pulling all the clothes out of the dresser or the sheets off his bed. The messes he makes are small and contained and clearly the result of him playing with his toys. And he's using his imagination a lot more. An added bonus is that he's watching TV a lot less since he would always want to watch something when the Princess was napping. The rest of the house is actually staying organized and clean. Okay, not necessarily clean, but straightened up. And even more important, I'm feeling more relaxed as the afternoon/evening goes on. I can handle the nonsense without feeling like I'm going to explode. I managed to turn his whining into laughing this evening and that was with only an hour of QT because we had a special visitor (one of my old library teens who has just graduated college and is this mature young woman now and just amazing). 

I got a lead on a mother's helper/babysitter from the BF and I finally called today. I had been hoping that my neighbor's kid was coming home from college but alas she did not. I scheduled a preliminary visit in a couple of weeks (next week is really busy) when I will need it most. 

I am 36 weeks today. When I was 36 weeks pregnant with SkyWalker I delivered him. ;-) When I was 36 weeks pregnant with the Princess I was on work bed rest and SkyWalker was in daycare so I was able to stay off my feet (and blog a lot--look at May 2007. It's funny.) I do not think bed rest is an option when I'm already home and I have 2 children who need things. I am quickly getting to the point when I will have to stop doing laundry because it's just too hard to bend. Emptying the dishwasher is a pain in the neck. Or back really. Next Thursday is my last night at work, which is good because I will probably start falling asleep driving home! 

Oh, driving! Yeah. This weekend we're doing the big car seat switcheroo. The booster seat is already in the back row of the van. SkyWalker's car seat has to come out. The Princess's car seat has to go where SkyWalker's is (behind the driver) and the infant car seat will go where the Princess's car seat is (behind the front passenger). I've been dreading moving SkyWalker all the way to the back and wanted to wait until we were close because I know how he is with routine and change and he likes to hold his sister's hand when we drive and yadda yadda yadda. Guess who told me on Wednesday that he wanted to sit in the booster seat? Just randomly said it. And sat there, buckled himself in (with a little help), unbuckled himself at the appropriate time, and smiled the entire way. I cannot believe that it worked out so well. When things are "his" idea it's so much easier. It was perfect timing. The Princess seems to be adjusting to not having him next to her. I think she will like it better when she is in the other spot because then she'll be able to look back at him (right now he is behind her). And I'm sure she will be distracted when the new baby comes and she won't be too lonely. She's going to be a pain in the neck getting in the car--she already is. If I'm too slow she'll jump up front, sit in my seat and say "I'm driving!" and refuse to come out. Once we move her she's going to have more time to get away. But once the new baby comes it will be easier for me to drag her out than it is now with my big fat womb. 

For the past 3 days I have had 64 ounces of water each day. Some friends made a pact to do "something" for 30 days in order to make it a habit. All sorts of different things. And since I really need the water now and will need it when I'm breastfeeding and am horrible about actually drinking enough, I chose to go with drinking water. I'm actually not peeing any more than I was before, which is kind of funny, and the BH contractions are not any less painful or frequent so I don't feel as bad for not having "enough" water before. At this point I think I'm going to be having these contractions no matter what I do and I just have to wait until this baby comes out. 

And here's a funny thought. I realized this morning that it was just LAST July that I stopped breastfeeding. And here I am about to start again. Yeah, I think we're going to have a bit more time between #3 and #4... 

And I officially have baby on the brain since I cannot type a paragraph without alluding in some way to the impending arrival of the latest jedi. It'll be over soon. I swear. 

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Day 2 of the QTE

I just got out of the shower. The sun is still shining (!) and there were no children in the shower with me or in front of the TV. There were also no dogs and that was kind of weird. I digress. It is day 2 of the Quiet Time Experiment. Why didn't I stick to my guns before? 

We had a playdate this morning--we made bell shakers with pipe cleaners and jingle bells--and then went outside. It was a wonderful morning (aside from my poor friend being allergic to my house!). When everybody left I cleaned up the mess (it's always funny--the house is a disaster after a playdate, but no more so than when it's my 2 kids alone. And because everyone made the mess I don't fight with my own kids to clean it up. I just do it and they help and there's no yelling and fighting or time-outs. And it gets done so much quicker. Ironic.) and SkyWalker said "I don't have to get off my feet today so I don't need quiet time." Good one. Yes, I know where he got the "get off my feet today" from. I told him that he's going to have quiet time every day now because it's good for him and good for me. Strangely enough when it was time to go upstairs he didn't argue. He is upstairs now, after an hour, and I can hear him playing with his legos. Yesterday he made a mess of the legos and his puzzles but he didn't pull the sheets off the bed or the clothes out of his dresser. It was just a normal mess of using his stuff. I told him today to clean up after himself but I can deal with having to put legos back in the bin if he doesn't do it on his own...

In conjunction with the QTE I'm also trying to get the Princess napping at a normal time again. Lately she's been going down at 2 or later and then sleeping well past 4. Bedtime can be a hassle. And when SkyWalker starts kindergarten he'll be getting home in the afternoon... it would be better for her to nap at 1 for a couple of hours. Yesterday and today I've gotten her down at 1:30. So we're moving there. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do 1 or not because of preschool and lunch. But 1:30 is better than 2:30. 

If it weren't for the "get off my feet" thing right now I would fold the clothes and do the dishes and be productive now but I can honestly say that I am enjoying just sitting here. The dogs are sleeping. Isaac has finished scratching himself. The house is quiet and peaceful but not empty and lonely. I really hope I stick to my guns this time so that QT is firmly established when this baby comes and I need all the quiet I can get.  

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Quiet time

The Princess and I had a playdate the other day while SkyWalker was in preschool and what often happens at playdates these days, we started talking about pregnancies and having babies and all that. There was one mom who said she would have a bunch of babies except for the fact that she really hated being pregnant. And my friend responded that she loved being pregnant. And I started thinking. Because that's what I do. I hear little things and then the thinking train takes over for the next few days until I drive myself crazy. I think I have a problem of seeing things in black/white, all/nothing, instead of shades of gray. Or grey. However you prefer. I think I touched on that when I decided to radically change my way of thinking

See, I set myself up for disappointment by expecting things to be ALL one way or ALL the other. I was so determined for this to be a happy pregnancy, that I would be one of those glowing happy pregnant women, that when I started vomiting again (and continued until 30 some odd weeks, albeit not everyday at that point), I blamed myself for failing. In my last post I realized that this has been a pretty uneventful pregnancy--vomiting is just going to be a part of it for me and the sooner I realize that the better--there have been no rushes to the hospital, no weekly non-stress tests or L2 ultrasounds, no big drama. Enjoying my pregnancy and being happy does NOT mean I have to be happy every single day or all day long. Who can be happy vomiting? I don't have to enjoy every minute. I'm allowed to complain about my back hurting and BH contractions and pelvic pressure and still be allowed to say that I'm happy I'm pregnant. I'm enjoying feeling my baby practice walking on my abdomen. There are so many women who have to go though so much to get pregnant--who may not be able to get pregnant at all--that I always feel guilty complaining. Like I have no right to do so because they would love to be in my shoes. But it's okay for me to complain. Complaining about it doesn't mean I don't want it. 

The same thing with being a SAHM. When I worked full time I wanted to be a SAHM so much that I set it up as the answer to everything. Everything would be blissful if only I could be home with my kids. When is anything ever blissful all the time? People who are CONSTANTLY blissfully happy are either on drugs or in serious denial. And when things were not blissful I felt like I was doing something wrong or that I didn't deserve to be home and if I complained about it I would be admitting this failure. That if I dared to say things were hard it would mean that I should be working instead. But that's not what it means. It just means that some days things are really hard and that's that. I'd still rather be here than working. That's for damn sure. 

Right now the Princess is taking her nap and SkyWalker is upstairs in his room having "quiet time" for the first time in AGES. We've been having lots of little squabbles and battles and I feel like I just repeat myself all day long and yell and get nowhere. Vader has worked late every day this week and may even go in on Saturday (because why would we want a 3 day weekend??) and it's been hard. I don't know how so many of my friends do it on a regular basis (have husbands who work late all the time or travel for work all the time). SkyWalker and I are clearly just not listening to each other. I'm going to enforce quiet time every day, even if it starts out with tears, because we need it. I need to believe I am in charge and when he's up my ass every single minute saying he needs someone to play with him or he needs someone to clean up with him, I can't get my head straight! I need to not feel guilty about not being able to do as much because of my big fat womb. I need to not overcompensate for Vader not being home. And SkyWalker needs to remember that he can be alone. He can play alone. He can entertain himself. He used to do it all the time and now if he doesn't have his beloved baby sister he's bugging me to drop everything and be with him. He's been upstairs in his room for an hour now. I hope, I really really hope, that he hasn't pulled his clothes out of the dresser or ripped the sheets off his bed or done something else equally annoying. I know I heard him playing with his legos and reading books. I hope he has taken advantage of this time to recharge. 

I still haven't done the lunch dishes. I have two loads of laundry to fold. The house is a complete mess and I'm pretty sure that I will have to hold his hand to get him to clean up the mess I've been telling him to clean up for 2 days. But I am sitting on the couch with my feet up and I am recharging and clearing my head so that I can say "Clean this up" ONCE and say it with authority and have it be done. I am enjoying the silence--mostly silence aside from Isaac's unbelievably loud breathing--and I am going to make the most of this time and do nothing but remember who I am. 

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Sometimes being a complaining...

... pain in the ass on this blog is useful. I just went through my archives and my pregnancy and #2 tags to see where I was at this point last time. And boy can I bitch. It seems that the painful BH contractions are starting a bit sooner this time around...  but that makes sense since I was mostly sitting down at work all day and not carrying toddlers or chasing them. But reading everything really reminded me that this has been an okay pregnancy! No bleeding. No impending surgeries (that we know about). No weekly fetal non-stress tests. Just normal pregnancy aches and pains. And most important--no frickin' PINK EYE! I had that for at least a month towards the end last time.

I am 34 weeks tomorrow. I get the BH contractions and I've been having more pelvic pressure but I feel more like things are just moving into position and less that I'm going to go into labor early. I really truly don't believe I will last the whole 40 weeks, but I really don't think it'll be before 38.

And reading my archives reminded me that just 2 days before I had the Princess my best friend was in New Jersey and I was sure I was going to be in labor and she wouldn't be able to watch SkyWalker (and my mom was out since it was school vote time). But it all worked out--she got home from Jersey and THEN I went into labor. I have to believe that the same will happen again. I will not go into labor when Vader is in Batavia (Buffalo, not country). In my ultimate fantasy my mom comes up for SkyWalker's preschool graduation the next day (the day I am 38 weeks) and I go into labor after the graduation. I know that neither of these will happen--it won't be when Vader is gone and it won't be when my mother can magically come up. But it will be okay. I have enough friends now that surely there is someone I can call if need be. It will all work out.

Speaking of having the Princess... that was 2 years ago tomorrow. I can't quite believe so much time has passed by. I also can't quite believe I am 34 weeks pregnant! When SkyWalker turned 2 I peed on a stick and found out I was pregnant with the Princess! She is such a big girl now. She repeats everything we say, everything her brother says (good and bad), she likes to be silly and make people laugh. It's been so amazing to see her grow... to see all of her firsts and to be with her every day. I'm so truly grateful that I was able to not return to work full time.

A friend wrote a blog post the other day about having your "thing"--something that you don't give up when you become a mom. Her thing is running and she makes time for it no matter what else is going on in her life (yes, everybody laugh now, I read a running blog. No, I'm not eating cheese doodles when I read it. Mostly because I don't have any right now.) Anyway, since I read it I've been trying to think of what my "thing" is. What haven't I given up? Because I gave up A LOT. I used to do a lot more reading. I reviewed books for VOYA. I co-judged the VOYA poetry contest. I had my *own* poetry magazine/website. I was fully immersed in teen librarianship. I used to give presentations at conferences and people knew my name. I gave all of that up. But none of it could really have been my thing if it was so easy to give up right? Now I'm immersed in the whole Mommy thing--I started a mom's group (me?? starting a mom's group???), we have playdates and preschool and I'm totally doing the Mommy thing. But I think my "thing" has to exist outside of that.

And I think this is it. This random mind-dump that I do in here. I can't keep up with my handwritten journals, but I blog. I ponder and wonder and philosophize and theorize and I blog it all. And sure, it's nice when people comment because that is why we have public blogs right?, but it's not essential. It's enough that I get it out of my head. I used to fancy myself a writer--that ship has long since sailed--but I think blogging might just be my thing. (Until I hop on the damn twitter bandwagon that is...)

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Thursday, May 7, 2009


I think when normal people "nest" they like to clean in addition to getting stuff ready for the baby. Not being normal, but instead a librarian, I have no desire to clean any more than I did before, i.e. none. But I need to have things organized. If they're not organized that bugs the crap out of me. I can't stand clutter now. The fact that I had no clean underwear (that fits my ginormous belly) didn't bother me as much as the clothes that were piling up on the closet floor. I had a decent sized layer of dust on the dresser in the living room until just last night and the only reason that was wiped away was because of the playdate this morning. There can be dust all over the house but as long as things are where they are supposed to be, I don't give a crap. 

I have the pack n play set up in the living room, bedding washed. The infant car seat is in the bottom part of it right now to keep it safe from curious hands. The fabric cover has been washed. The co-sleeper is in the bedroom and has been cleaned and new sheets put on it. It's not attached to the bed yet because I'm not *that* crazy. The high chair has been cleaned and is waiting in  the kitchen. I have the padding for the swing cleaned but Vader still needs to get that down from the attic. All of the gender neutral onesies and clothes have been washed and are in the dresser. The Princess's dresser clothes have been moved to a smaller dresser in her closet so she can pick out her own clothes. The crib has been ready for ages since it was never taken down after the Princess vacated it. The baby's bag is packed with going home outfits for both genders. I haven't packed my own yet, but I have the bag in the room and will probably do it any day now. 

I am 33 weeks tomorrow. 

It's not that bad. I think I had everything pretty much ready at 28 weeks last time because I was so paranoid about going early again. The first time I didn't have things done until 35 weeks and what happened? SkyWalker came at 36. The only big thing that still needs to be done is the car seat and I don't want to do that too soon because it involves moving SkyWalker all the way to the back. I'll probably have Vader do the big switch at 36 weeks,  

We have one name decided on but are still negotiating the other. I have never been so tempted to find out the gender. But we won't. 

I think everything that needed to be washed has been done. As soon as Vader gets the swing down I can see if the plastic needs to be cleaned at all and then get the padding back on it. And then I think I can sit down and stay off my feet for the next 5 weeks. You know, after the dishes are done and the regular laundry and the toilets cleaned and the children fed. 

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