Time

This Saturday is the 17th.
Vader and I will have been together for exactly 15 years and 4 months (Sept 17, 1993).
Vader and I will have been married for exactly 6 years and 5 months (August 17, 2002).
SkyWalker will be 4 years and 4 months old (Sept 17, 2004).
And it will be exactly a year since my FIL passed away.

I still remember the night before. It was a Wednesday and I was working Wednesdays then. I had a horrible migraine. It had been weeks since I had seen my FIL because my in-laws and Vader didn't want SkyWalker to see him so sick. Even though I felt like I was going to vomit from the pain, I called my MIL and decided to visit. I knew it would be the only time I had without the kids. I went. It was hard. He couldn't speak and wasn't very aware. I thanked him for letting me be a part of his family and said goodbye. He reached out his hand to me. Something he had not done. And then I left. I knew when I left that it would be the last time I would see him. I told my husband that his mom said it was going to be soon. I KNEW it would be that night. My MIL called and Vader said he would be there the next day. I've often wondered if there was more I should have said to Vader. If he understood it would be his last night. I'm not sure I could have said enough. I'm pretty sure he was in denial because he told all his work friends at the funeral how much quicker it happened then he expected. Anyway, we went to sleep and the phone rang at 5:30 and I knew.

I can't believe it's been a year.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Randomosity

Teething really needs to be changed. This whole process is just not fun for anyone. Not for baby, and not for mama and DEFINITELY not for breastfeeding mama. All 4 of the Princess's top teeth are swollen and the gums are white and they are just minutes from breaking through but they just aren't breaking through. Gah. She cried and cried as I left for work today, coupled with her brother's crying that he "just want you to stay home." Good times. You scientists really need to come up with a better teething method. Because this one just sucks.

Speaking of sucking, I am barely getting 2 ounces while pumping at work. I counted how much I have left and how many bottles I will need before I make the switch. I have enough to make it, unless there's an emergency. I haven't been pumping in the morning because I have been sleeping and then letting the Princess have both sides. She's actually been more interested in nursing than solids lately. I think it's the teething. Maybe I'll start pumping in the morning again to have a little backup and then stop pumping at work. I've already fed her 3 times today.

We're going to the state museum tomorrow for another meetup. I hope it's fun. I hope SkyWalker is a good boy and has a good time. Want to know how he did at soccer today? So would I. But he did not want to go. He wanted to stay home. I told him if we stayed home I was cleaning the house (i.e. not playing with him) and he said "Okay, let's go to soccer" and we got all ready and we had some extra time so I played trains with him and... he said he didn't want to go, he just wanted to stay home. We'll be missing another one when we're in North Carolina. If we don't go next week this will be a big waste of my money. Which means it will be coming out of his account. I just don't know what his problem is now. Well, I would bet anything it has to do with Daddy working 24/7 and never having two parents in the same room together anymore. If I'm eating dinner with him Daddy is not. If Daddy's there Mommy is not. (Doesn't it sound like we're divorced? We're not. Really.)

At least I got the house somewhat cleaned today.

Our garage door opener has stopped working. It's not the batteries, the chain looks fine. I can't figure it out. I tried to reset it by unplugging it but that didn't do anything. When you press the button it just clicks and the lights come on and it almost sounds like it's trying but it doesn't actually get the door up at all. We probably need a new one. Which will involve me buying one and having it installed unless I rent a husband for the weekend. That would be a good business. Renting husbands. Maybe I can get one to install the baby stair gate I bought in February. By the time that's up the Princess will be having her own children.

FIL will be buried on the 19th. MIL is having some type of service, I don't know exactly what because Vader didn't think to ask for any details. I'm torn. I have nothing to do with my kids. It's been too long since we've seen the friends who watched them for the funeral and I feel bad asking them again when it's been so long. I'm not sure what's going on so I don't know if I can bring the kids. I'm not sure I'd want to anyway. It looks like I will probably just stay home with them. I can't believe we have to go through this all over again.

Prick your finger/it is done/the moon has now eclipsed the sun/the angel has spread its wings/the time has come for bitter things.

I think that's the best Marilyn Manson there is, certainly better than his newest stuff, but maybe even the best of all of it.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Peace

The last time we all went to the in-laws was a couple of weekends ago. We did not go last weekend when MIL made the decision to stop the fluids because Vader didn't think SkyWalker should go. And until Haze stops letting him watch TV she's not babysitting which means if SkyWalker doesn't go, I don't go. Last night I did one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Despite an oncoming migraine, when I left work I went to my in-laws and I said goodbye to my FIL. 

Now my husband is doing one of the hardest things he has ever had to do. He's on his way there now at 6 am. His mom is pretty sure that FIL has already passed. I'm waiting for confirmation now. 

I got a chance to say goodbye. And that's good. 

This has been one hell of a week.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Shadows

SkyWalker and I had an interesting snack time conversation about the shadows in his room. He's mentioned shadows before and not liking them and that he "does this to them" (closes one eye real tight and grimaces). It's kinda weird. He also mentioned monsters today and that was a first. He seems to know that there are no monsters but he really doesn't like the shadows. He turns the light on and then they go away. I wonder if this is why he's been up every night for as long as I can remember now. Vader goes up, he pees, goes back to sleep no problem, but it's still a pain in the neck.

I went to Burger King with a friend after work on Tuesday. It was so nice to not be there with a diaper bag. Not that the kids and I ever go in... It was nice to just sit and talk again. Unfortunately it was after 10 pm. But good times nonetheless.

I don't think FIL has much more time left. He's really not doing well. Vader mentioned the word "funeral" last night and what we're going to do with the kids and that was the first time he's even talked about that... although I've been thinking about it for months now. Have I mentioned how much it sucks to be so alone here?

We still have to get our Christmas tree. Vader is going on Saturday. I would prefer to wait until Christmas Eve but that just doesn't happen around here with so many people who get theirs at Thanksgiving (damn them all!). We need to plant 30 in our yard and then just cut them down ourselves and be all set for the next 30 years.

Good times.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

One more thing

Because so many of you first started reading about this on my LJ, I feel the need to update you all here (since I never remember to even log in over there anymore!). FIL is officially on hospice. He is not getting any active treatment for the cancer. He is continuing the fluids that he has been receiving, which is good. If he were to stop the fluids he would be dead in a couple of weeks. He only has one functioning kidney and he just can't keep up with all of the drinking to keep himself hydrated and flush his system... Since he is continuing the fluids he will just get weaker and weaker until his heart eventually gives out. I would not be surprised if he decides after Christmas to stop the fluids, but I could be wrong. They can't say how long it will take but I think months rather than years is likely. He's on pain medication now which seems to be helping a little bit. The important thing is that there is a nurse there everyday and one always on call so MIL will never have to decide if he should go to the hospital or not. She just calls the nurse and the nurse comes and decides. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts over the years... especially the academy (you know who you are).

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Stuffy

My head is stuffy. My throat hurts. How could I have gotten sick? I leave my fortress of a home so very little... sigh... the kids are not sick. So it must be this damn library that I work at a measly 2 nights a week. Bah! I was just remarking that this is the healthiest we have EVER been. The Princess is 6 months and has yet to have a cold... SkyWalker has been healthy in the same amount of time--no daycare does the trick. We do go to soccer and storytime, but I think daycare is the real culprit in the cold wars. Anyway, after feeding the Princess this morning and eating my own breakfast I went back to bed for an hour and a half. My throat feels a bit better but I still have that stuffy feeling. Naturally since Thanksgiving is coming up.

I've come to the conclusion that life is just too short for bullshit. For grudges and misunderstandings. For petty little problems. It's time to seize the day.

FIL is supposed to be released today. He's being sent home with fluids that MIL will have to give through a port. His left tube has been implanted but the right kidney is still not working and they're just leaving it alone. And that's all I know about that. I find myself thanking the FSM that MIL is healthy and can do all of this. I don't know what we'd do if she were to get sick as well... well, I do know, we'd have to consider a live-in nurse or nursing home or hospice, whatever. I can't take care of 2 kids, 2 dogs, and in-laws.

Vader has taken the whole week off and I am so excited. My original plan was to spend the entire day tomorrow cleaning. That may change depending on how I feel when I wake up. At least I'll get some more laundry done and maybe just the kitchen. The kids have their flu shots on Tuesday, as well as the Princess's 6 month checkup, and Vader is going with us. I was NOT going to take 2 kids for flu shots by myself. No thank you.

I am waiting for Bagel to come with a donut. Doesn't that sound funny?

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Poop

It's hard to stay positive when the universe keeps deficating on me.

While attempting to take Isaac outside yesterday and keep SkyWalker inside, I slammed my finger into the back door. There is still a good deal of pain. Having gone through labor I will not say it's a great deal of pain, but it hurts. I took a nice little chunk of my skin off and that stings but the knuckle itself must be bruised as well. While walking Isaac and calling him a sonofabitch I stepped in dog poop.

On the way to soccer today a pebble/rock hit my window and there is a now a chip in it. Hopefully it will not spread.

The new tires for the van will cost $200. A tire.

The Princess was up all night again last night. I think she might be reacting to the pears though so I'm experimenting with that theory tonight. I can't believe we made it out of the house on time this morning for soccer. I am TIRED.

The good news is that FIL is doing much better. After a couple of days of dialysis the toxins appear to be out of his blood and he's lucid and holding conversations with people who are actually talking to him. His right kidney is still not draining well but it's being flushed on a regular basis and no one is talking about taking it out yet. He's still in a lot of pain from the cancer in his spine.

SkyWalker and I have a playdate on Monday with the neighbor. We're also setting up a weekly playdate with some old friends of ours. Although he still mentions Littleman and says that he "just likes Littleman" he will almost always come around and agree to play with someone else. It won't be the same but I don't think we'd want it to be.

And instead of automatically saying that we wouldn't be going to a friend's wedding because of traveling (short one) or the kids or whatever excuse, I am actually planning on going. It helps that she's kind enough to invite the kids as well. Anything can happen that will prevent us from making it, but I'm starting out with the idea that yes, we will be there.

It's all baby steps.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Habits

I've been thinking a lot about JustKeepGoing and her snacking in front of the TV problem. I have the same problem but I'm not trying to lose weight so it's not a "problem". Growing up we ALWAYS watched TV as a family (good thing) and we ALWAYS had snacks (maybe not a good thing). Pretzels, potato chips, popcorn, whatever. I find it difficult to watch TV without having something to eat. Unless I'm at the movies because it's too expensive, but when do I go to the movies now? I digress... The other day it dawned on me that I may be leading SkyWalker and the Princess on the same path. I only let him watch a limited amount of television. Most of the time that is when I need to feed the Princess and it's easier/safer to have him on the couch next to me. This also tends to be during snack times. So we're snacking in front of the TV. It's gotten to the point that he doesn't just ask to watch Caillou, he asks for TOAST and Caillou. Or crackers and Curious George. And the entire time I am nursing the Princess, but I am less worried about that--she's not really watching the TV. I've started trying to break the eating and TV connection but it's a bit of a pain in the neck. 

FIL had his procedure today. He had stents (I think that's what my husband said) put in, coming from his kidneys to bags outside his body. He's on dialysis now to help speed up the removal of the toxins in his blood. We're on a "wait and see" basis now as to when he can come home. Apparently he's been really out of it mentally and they hope that the dialysis will help this. It appears that something is wrong with his right kidney--it's not draining like it should. But once again, there's no definitive information as of yet.

Pumping break over...

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

And so it begins

It was an appropriately gloomy day today. As it should be since my sunshine is gone.

I am eating lots of Halloween candy. This is not good.

Both of my children slept until 8 this morning. Well, the Princess was up at 6:30, ate, fell asleep in my arms and stayed asleep when I put her in the crib at 7. Normally I would love them to sleep until 8 but we had to leave for soccer at 8:45 and they both needed to eat breakfast. I rushed around, got them out on time, got to soccer... and SkyWalker refused to play because there was a new coach. And he was a brat about it too. So we left after all the nonsense getting out of the house to begin with. We went to the store to get more peaches and pears for the Princess. He was perfectly well behaved. No running, no nonsense. He held the basket and stayed with me the entire time and smiled at people and everyone beamed at him as he walked by. So I can't be too mad at him, but ugh. We're going back next week and he will participate whether he wants to or not.

FIL is still in the hospital. He had a GI scan done this morning but we won't know the results until who knows when. He's very nauseous which is why they did the scan. He's on anti-nausea meds which makes him out of it. Apparently he was sleeping the entire time Vader visited yesterday. It's not looking good to me but I'm not a doctor and I'm a bit of a pessimist...  

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Dear PBS Kids

I'm one of those parents who actually watches TV with her child. Even if I'm on the laptop... I'm sitting right next to him on the couch answering his questions and interacting with him. When I had to watch the same Caillou episodes a million times I thought hmm, that's funny, there must not be very many episodes. Then I started noticing that out of the 3 vignettes in an episode only 1 would be new and the other 2 would be from other episodes. When you watch every day you notice these things. Imagine my surprise when we started DVR'ing Curious George and the same exact episodes are repeated week by week. If you're going to play a TV show EVERY SINGLE DAY, have more than 30 episodes to choose from. And if you have to repeat, maybe you can wait more than a week? Or here's a cooky thought, just don't show them every day. Twice a day. I know you get away with it because kids don't really give a crap about watching the same thing over and over again and again. And most parents use the TV as a babysitter so they wouldn't care. But I'm not a kid and I'm not most parents and I need a little variety. Thanks so much.
****

The Princess had her first taste of peaches this morning. I couldn't get the spoon to her mouth fast enough. She has had a couple of successful poops so hopefully it is doing it's job. I've done things so much quicker with her than with SkyWalker but it's not like I'm shoving it done her throat. I didn't even want to give her cereal. But she's hard to refuse. And I really didn't want to be feeding her every 2 hours like a newborn!
****

The FIL is still in the hospital since last Friday. The earliest he'll be discharged is this Friday. His kidneys are still swollen, don't look normal. They had to catheterize him again. They want a kidney specialist to take a look at him now since they still don't look normal after being there with a catheter for days. What will probably happen is that he'll have to catheterize himself (i.e. MIL will have to do it) on a regular basis. It's not related to the cancer at all--it's just a problem with the new bladder. But he only has a new bladder because of cancer in the old one so I guess it really *is* related.
****

SkyWalker was wearing his snowsuit around the house yesterday. Refused to take it off. And then decided he needed to "shave" so he took everything off and walked around with no shirt on. Today he is sitting on the couch wearing nothing but underwear and socks. I guess I should be grateful he is wearing underwear.
***

If Isaac is not allowed outside by himself soon I might lose my mind.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Pause

Ever wish you had a pause button for life? I swear this week has gone by in a matter of seconds.

The Princess had her surgery on Monday. She did very well. It was a bit more complicated than originally thought--apparently the bad ureter was going into the urethra and not the bladder at all. So instead of re-routing the bad one onto the good one, they took both (since they were very closely attached to each other as well) and moved them both into a more appropriate spot on the bladder. The bad ureter was kinked a lot and this was the best way to fix it. There's a 95% chance that this will fix everything and she won't have problems in the future.

When we first saw her after the surgery she was so puffy from the fluids in the IV that I almost didn't recognize her. It was hard seeing her like that and I couldn't pick her up right away. Luckily she was very calm and actually trying to smile. The nurse handed her to me and I was able to nurse her immediately, unlike SkyWalker who was too weak to nurse. That was good. And she lost the puffiness pretty quickly. She was up ALL night long and when she wasn't nursing, her little roommate was crying (with no Mommy to console him). Or the nurses were in and out giving meds. I did not sleep and am still trying to catch up. She's been up every night this week. We started her on cereal yesterday and I hope to be back on routine starting Monday. Having my mom here this week was a huge help and yet one more reminder of how far away I am.

The news on the FIL is not so good... a cat scan showed a mass (carcinoma) on his spine so now he has to have radiation for 10 weeks and then follow up with more chemo. MIL mentioned that they are working on "just eliminating his pain" right now. Which doesn't sound very promising to me... but nothing is ever said directly.

One of our pipes has yet another leak and it looks like we will have to have major work done one way or another. Good times.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Good News

Just got a call from my MIL. FIL has a bladder infection. They're sending him home with some antibiotics. I guess it's common when you're on narcotics. This has been handled so wrong from the very get-go and I don't know who's at fault. They should have told him the warning signs so he could get seen right away. He should  have been seen by a doctor at the hospital right away. And his own urologist didn't even see him until today! Didn't know he was there! He should have been the first one called. I don't know if my FIL didn't give all the information right away or if the hospital just didn't process it right away but it seems like a lot of balls were dropped. In any event, he's being released and I really didn't think that was going to happen. 

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

There's always something

Right? There's just always something.

FIL is still in the hospital. He wasn't eating and was getting sick, which is common with chemotherapy, but it was really bad. After being in the hospital for over 24 hours they finally talked to a doctor. They thought his bowels were obstructed, but after talking to him more they decided to check his bladder (the new one). They put a catheter in and it was totally full. He wasn't emptying it... that *might* be why he didn't want to eat. Now they have to figure out what's wrong with his new bladder. And if that's even what's causing this latest setback. Cancer is a bitch.

SkyWalker is using his new laptop right next to me. It's very cute but I wish the volume didn't chirp.

Yesterday I took both kids to the local firehouse so I could vote in a very important primary. They wouldn't let me vote! Apparently when you switch parties it doesn't take effect until after a national election. What the hell??? So I registered as a republican for no reason, I had to drag the kids out for no reason, I had to drag Haze into the house so I could leave FOR NO REASON! Argh. When we got home I only had an hour before we had to leave for the doctor. The Princess had fallen asleep and miraculously stayed asleep in the garage (she does not sleep outside the home), so I left the kids in the car, ran in the house, got SkyWalker's school bag (with his extra underwear) threw some books in there, and we left again. SkyWalker fell asleep on our way to Burger King. I went through the drivethru and headed to the pediatrician for the Princess's 4 month check up. As soon as we got there she woke up. At least she got 45 minutes to sleep. SkyWalker was still sleeping so I scarfed down my burger. He woke up, ate most of his chicken nuggets and we headed in to the doc. (for those who care, the Princess is now 14 lbs, 4 oz, 24 5/8 inches). Everything went fine. Finally got home at 4 pm and my wonderfully understanding boss (thanks The Nice Librarian) had left a message on the machine telling me to just stay home (we weren't sure if Vader was going to make it home from the hospital in time and it turns out that because he was able to stay later he could actually hear what the doctor said, so it was really good that I was home). It was a hell of a day.

The Princess slept like crap last night and now has a fever from those damn shots. SkyWalker was adamant that we not go to gymnastics again, and since the Princess needed her sleep I decided to just drop out, I was glad I did when I woke her up and she had a fever and screamed for 30 minutes before I got her to nurse. I feel a little bad about giving up on gymnastics after only one time, but SkyWalker was very insistent that he did NOT LIKE GYMNASTICS and he kept saying he likes soccer and wants to go there. So we'll have storytime on Tuesdays and soccer on Thursdays and the Princess (and Mama) will get to recover at home on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. If he didn't have soccer, or was saying the same thing about soccer I would still bring him to gymnastics. But because he so strongly stated that he liked one and not the other I don't think this is just a "I want to stay home" ploy.

Oh yeah, I read in the paper that the very important primary was decided by only 6 votes (and not in the way I wanted it)!!! Damnit! I wonder if anyone else was turned away for the same reason. I'm sure if anyone did change parties to vote, it would have been for the same reason I did it and our guy might have won if we could have voted!

Damn local politics.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Little good, little bad

Today is SkyWalker's 3rd birthday. It's been a wonderful day. Lots of fun and Denny's, can't beat that. :-) He had a great birthday party on Saturday and I had 4 boys going down the slide head-first. I am so glad we got that playset this summer and didn't wait! He did so much better at soccer last week than he did at gymnastics and when we went to storytime at the library he got into it and danced with a teddy bear on his head. So good times.

FIL is in the emergency room today. He hasn't been eating and has been in pain. Not good when you have cancer. We haven't heard anything yet. I feel so bad for my husband... only child... he has no one else to really share this with.

Break time is over. I swear the Princess just said "Hello". Maybe it was "eeooowww." Hmmm. Anyway, there is fussiness now.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend