It's hard to smile when you're swallowing bile

I haven't run since Christmas and that was a dissatisfying painful measly 2 miles. I think. Most of the distances I've been running have been pretty short--from my bed to the bathroom, from the couch to the bathroom, from the kitchen to the bathroom. I have been stretching--mostly my back and neck as I hunch over the toilet. My abs and ribs are getting a good workout from the heaving and retching.

Yeah. It's that time again.

I truly believed that if I willed myself hard enough and stayed strong that I would not vomit this time. I would RUN it away. Well, that only works if you're, you know, running. At first I intentionally took a couple of weeks off to make sure that things were settling within my body and attaching where they were supposed to and things were progressing normally. And then when I was ready to start running again the vomiting started. I managed to run a race in December at 6+ weeks pregnant and not do too shabby (31:45, my first PPR--pregnant personal record--which is better than my first ever race!) but I was nervous the entire time. After that I tried Zofran for a couple of days--one of which was Christmas--and while I didn't throw up I had horrible painful debilitating gas. Cramping gas. Which is not fun while running. I don't know how I managed to survive Christmas. I stopped taking the Zofran and the next day I vomited three times. Awesome. I haven't attempted to run since. I mostly sit on the couch and wish I could speed this process up. I am now back on promethazine--what I took during my last pregnancy--and as long as I time everything right and keep the perfect amount of food in my belly and get enough rest, I won't vomit. I'm hoping that after a few non vomiting days I can start running again.

Morning sickness is so misunderstood. First of all, the name, is ridiculous. I'm sure that when I'm vomiting at 10 pm that it's morning somewhere, but it's so misleading. Like all you have to do is make it through the morning and then you're okay. Maybe for some women it is, but not for all. It's ALL DAY sickness. There's no relief from vomiting, the nausea is just as bad whether you vomit or not. Avoid aromas and strong odors and certain foods and it's all bull. I vomit when I'm hungry, I vomit when I'm full. I vomit when I've been sleeping for hours, I vomit when I'm tired. I vomit whether I'm having a boy or a girl. I just vomit. It is much much harder when it's the 4th time, because you still have to get up and take kids to preschool and make dinner for your family and make sure the children aren't being too bad.

It's been pretty sucky which um, sucks, because I had such high hopes of enjoying every minute of my last pregnancy.

And then.

Today I had my 12 week ultrasound (or 13 week if the measurements are right). I saw an actual baby with a beating heart, rolling and turning and kicking. Everything is normal, everything looks good. And the joy from seeing and hearing that tiny heart beating is worth every single second of nausea and vomiting and sickness and crappy feelings. Every. Single. Second.

I know there are people that don't understand why we're having a 4th child, that don't agree, that think we are being irresponsible. I don't care. We are not complete without a 4th. And I mean "we." My husband has always wanted a large family and I had to talk him down from 5. My children are so excited to have another on the way (I told them today). My son will be nearly 8 by the time this baby is born and if it's a boy he wants him in his room. The Princess can't wait to have a tiny baby to take care of and hold.

So now I just hope the vomiting and nausea go completely away, the running comes back, and this baby has boy parts.