The sisterhood of mothers

Last night the Princess asked me to read her Someday by Alison McGhee, a book that chokes me up on an ordinary day. I read as much as I could, trying not to cry, and when I got to the page about one day you will hear such sad news that your body will fold with sorrow I could barely get through the sentence. We finished the book and I quietly cried and then noticed that she too was crying. I asked her why and she simply said "Because you are."

It is the crying we do for other people's pain that is the hardest to stop.

Yesterday was no ordinary day.

Yesterday I learned that a friend of mine from high school lost his 11 day old baby. I had been following her progress on Facebook since the day she was born. I had been hoping and wishing and even forced my heathen self to say a prayer or twenty. I asked friends to do the same. But yesterday she lost her fight and they lost her.

I haven't seen my friend in 20 years. I have never met his wife. But I cried for them. I cried in the preschool pick up line. I cried in the shower. I cried myself to sleep.

They talk a lot about the mommy wars. Working moms, stay at home moms, breastfeeding moms, formula feeding moms, attachment moms, um, non-attachment moms. Screw that. We are all mothers. Mothers who love their children. Mothers who love ALL children. When one of us hurts, we all hurt. When one of us cries out in sorrow, we all cry out in sorrow. This is the sisterhood of mothers. While I cannot hope to know the pain, to fully understand it, I feel a paler version of it. I feel it for you. I cry for you. Today I give you my sadness, my tears, my anguish. I hope tomorrow to give you my strength. To give you some small solace in knowing that you are not alone in your pain. That I will not forget. This is the sisterhood of mothers. You are not alone. We are not alone.

Addiction

I am truly addicted.

I can't even fight it.

I joined Facebook. A bunch of my friends have been on it for quite some time now and I kept hesitating. I don't do anything with Myspace, why the hell do I need Facebook? But I couldn't hold out. The lure was too strong.

Baaa. Baaa. I am sheep. Baaa.

I joined Friendster years ago because of them. Then Myspace. The Livejournal. Then Vox. Now Facebook. I repeat, Baaa. If you're on Facebook and you know my real name, friend me bitches. If you don't know my name it's because I don't want you to.

In other news. The fancy drugs arrived at the house at 9:30ish. As I was in bed having taken an Imitrex to avoid yet another migraine. Naturally I did not need fancy drugs today since I am now on day #3. And for those of you who think I should just suck it up and deal for 2 days of excruciating pain, please keep in mind that 2 days with 2 children is like an eternity. So bite me.

I might get pregnant sooner than "planned" (hahahahaha, we all know it's going to take another 7 months) because this crap is suckalicious. I can't even speak english anymore.

While I'm wrapping up old threads--the dreading was for naught. It was difficult, as it should be, but nothing like the last time. SkyWalker and I have found new friends and new support and they came through for us. Our neighbor-friend, henceforth known simply as K, and a new friend Jen, were beyond wonderful. Jen opened up her home to us on the day of the big leaving and we could have stayed there all day! The tears came in the shower later, but not nearly so many.

The Princess takes many steps (while holding books no less!) but still prefers to crawl. She is a stubborn one. I don't know why she wants to crawl. The floors are yucky. But I got a Shark Steam Mop so that should be all better now!

Let's hope for some sunshine tomorrow because Mama needs a beach day!

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Controlled substances

I'm in a slight rage right now. Slight.

I finally called the gyn this morning because not being able to stand due to severe debilitating menstrual pain really sucks when you have 2 children who expect you to not only stand but also walk and run. While at the playground the doc called back and wrote me a prescription. We were at the playground, not the doc. Finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel we went to the doc to pick up the prescription (because it's a controlled substance they couldn't call it in) and then Wal-Mart to fill it. We walked around for a little while... and then a little more.... and then a little more. We were there for over an hour. I need this because it's so painful I can't stand for long. And I wound up walking and walking and walking. Pushing 2 children no less. 

I do not have my controlled substance. 

The prescription dose was "a little high" so they called the doc to confirm but I guess they never called back. They called 3 or 4 times. I finally couldn't take it anymore and just left. I am so friggin annoyed. I could be feeling better by now but instead I will have to wait until Vader can pick it up when he goes shopping tonight. Hopefully it will be ready by then. So I should get it around 10 pm tonight. That'll be useful. 

The playground was awesome--wicked hot--but SkyWalker had a great time running around with trainboy and I had to drag him away. He asked if trainboy could come back to our house but alas I needed to pick up my prescription. Ha. It only took him about 5 or 6 months to start playing with trainboy... so I figure he'll start playing with the kids at preschool just as soon as it's over. 

I was going to have a whole preschool jitters post but I am too distracted with my prescription rage right now. And the Princess needs to finish her snack and take a nice long nap now. Despite her blossoming lower molars she will take a nice long nap. She will. Because the universe cannot possibly be that cruel to me right now.

Edited 5 pm. The universe is a cold cruel bitch.

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Ouch

This is the first time I have been the first one up in a long time. Shinesalot and Littleman are here with us and I kept waking up all night long expecting A) a thunderstorm to wake up SkyWalker causing another screaming fit B) the boys to realize they were in the same room and could play at 3 am or C) the Princess to realize she had a guest as well who could get her out of her prison cell, i.e. the crib. I also woke up repeatedly with throbbing pain in my knee from my worst nightmare--my dogs escaping the kitchen with the big garage door wide open and me not being able to do anything because I'm holding my baby. Luckily they were more interested in Shinesalot than in freedom and she could corral them back and get them inside. But I still managed to bust my knee while attempting to grab one while holding on the Princess. Lack of quality sleep has led to a headache. I should have gotten up to take something in the middle of the night but I can't get up in the middle of the night because I am tracking my temperatures. And even though I am not trying to get pregnant right now I "need" accurate information so I can tell when my damn luteal phase goes over 10 days because if it doesn't I will never get pregnant again. Argh. 

That was a jumbled paragraph and probably why I'm not up at 6 am anymore. 

Oh! Exciting news! Yesterday morning the jedi and I went to Big Lots on the recommendation of a friend and guess what I found? I got 4 of those individual straw-like beach mats, a bigger travel beach/picnic blanket, and a better beach tote bag, ALL for under $20. I was very excited. 

We went straight from the store to the neighbor-friend's house because SkyWalker insisted. They had called in the morning and I said we'd call when we got back home but it was better to go there than to go home, unload the kids, get the kids back in the car and drive 2 houses away. SkyWalker played with his friend and it didn't take him 2 hours to do it! The only way I got him to go home was by reminding him that we had "people" coming over. I didn't tell him about Littleman's visit partly because I wanted to surprise him and partly because I didn't believe it was true until they were in my driveway. SkyWalker was prepared to stay at the neighbor-friend's house while I took the Princess home. He even said he would nap there. He's full of shit but it was still funny. 

I'm so proud of him. He's doing so much better with his friends. I wonder if somehow he can sense that I have finally opened myself up to people again and so he has too? 

My head still hurts and I should probably shower while I have quiet in the house. Shit. I always jinx myself. I think I just heard a child. Maybe it's not mine. Never thought I would say that...

****

Edited 6:46 am. The boys are up playing in their room "until 7". I told them to play quiet and not wake up the Princess. Littleman responded "Okay, I have quiet farts" and pushed his little heiney out to illustrate. Classic

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Time

marches on whether I want it to or not.

It has been a week since Halloween. I think yesterday was the first day that I did not cry. I was doing well on Sunday, or was it Monday, when SkyWalker asked once again about Texas and wanting to go there. And then he asked me to run around pulling a toy telephone while he ran around pulling a toy dog, one of their favorite activities to do together... and I got choked up but managed to hold it in. I don't think a day has gone by that he has not mentioned littleman at least once. Since he is still talking about meaningless things that happened 8 months ago, I don't think he'll stop talking about his best friend any time soon. I knew Monday would be hard... we always did dinner on Mondays... and sure enough the sobbing began in the shower. I did make it most of the day though.

Vader continues to spend all his free time at the hospital while I stay home and take care of the kids and the dogs from morning till night.

I have never felt so alone in my life.

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The letter of the week is H

for Halloween and Heartache.

Tomorrow, Halloween, my life as I have known it for quite a long time will come to an end. Shinesalot is leaving. Moving to Texas. Might as well be China. I remember being all upset 3 years ago when SkyWalker was first born and I thought she would be moving to New Jersey. How ironic that I would LOVE New Jersey now.

I cannot breathe when I think about this. I cannot stop crying. Pretty sure Vader heard me sobbing the shower last night. When SkyWalker hears me sniffle after I sneeze he says "Mommy crying again?".

It's hard to explain. It's not just a friend moving away. There's so much more. It's beyond words. It's easy to make acquaintances. Easy to make friends that you would go to a bar with. Or maybe even have dinner, or a playdate with. It's hard to make friends with people you would trust your children with and that is the difference here. It's hard to make friends that become your family. That become an essential part of your life.

I told SkyWalker last night that his little buddy would be moving to Texas. He said "My go to Texas too?" I said No. Then he said "My go to storytime with [littleman] after Texas?" And I just cried.

It's not just my pain. It's his as well. Because he's old enough now to understand that he's not seeing his best friend, but not old enough to understand why. Or when he might see him again, because we don't even know that. And I think that's the hardest part. If I could say, we just need to get through the next year, or the next 2 years, and then they'll be back here and you'll go to school together and go to the prom and be on the soccer team together... but I can't say that. Because I don't think there will be an end to this. Sure, maybe when they visit family on the east coast they might stop as they drive by, but I don't believe they will be moving back here. I think the lure of some big city somewhere will be too much.

This is the worst thing. Ever. When I was long distance with Vader it sucked but I knew there was an end. With everything in my life that was bad I could always see the end. But this? I don't see the end. And so I begin my grieving process. I've gone through the denial all summer. I'm bounced between the anger and the depression. Bargaining doesn't work when you have no one to bargain with. The last stage? Acceptance? Just don't see it happening.

I've locked this post because I don't need the whole world calling me to make sure I'm not killing myself. Luckily I have children who will make me get out of bed even when that's the last thing I want to do.

I need to stop pumping and start breathing again.

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Ow

There are some people who are pregnant past 40 weeks. How the hell do they do it? My best friend was one. I am 38 weeks and going CRAZY. Granted me being 38 weeks is somewhat akin to someone else going past 40 in that SkyWalker was born at 36 weeks. So this feels so much longer to me.

My back hurts. My legs hurt. My hoo-ha REALLY hurts. It used to be just turning over in bed or walking up stairs or doing a lot of walking would give me the pain. But simply sitting here right now hurts. Standing long enough to brush my teeth. I think it's just a constant sensation of pressure and pain.

I go back to the OB tomorrow. They'll do an ultrasound and check the cervix and all that fun stuff. I have little fantasies of them telling me that I'm dilated and ready to go. And then it's all over in a couple of hours. And the whole time SkyWalker is in daycare and everything works out wonderfully. And I won't be able to hear the dogs barking. GAH! They are so on edge, I think possibly even worse than me. Especially little Haze. She's constantly checking in on Mama.

I just drank the last of my orange juice. I have very little milk left. I love living in the country, but man I wish I could walk down to the corner and get some damn milk. Not that walking would be easier than driving at this point, but at least I wouldn't be in danger of killing someone if I'm just walking.

At least I don't have pink eye.

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Expletive

My best friend (and person responsible for watching SkyWalker while I am in labor) is in New Jersey for her husband's graduation tomorrow. The school vote is on Tuesday and my mother is the district clerk for her school on Long Island (and therefore has to be there). This would not be a good time to go into labor.

If extreme pelvic pressure and uncontrollable crying are signs of labor, I might be screwed.

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Why?

Why is that when there's a bit of rain and mud my dogs have to get COVERED? I can understand the paws, but really do they have to get mud on their private bits and back and noses and parts that shouldn't be touching the ground??

And why is it that they have to come inside one at a time? I sit on the couch and Haze is at the door. I let her in. No Isaac. I sit down. There's isaac at the door. And if I wait at the door he won't come.

And why is it that when they are so filthy I have banned them from the house they insist on just barking at every little thing they see? They're not standing whining at the door to come in. It's not just a ploy. It's just a pain in my ass.

And finally, why does this always have to happen when it's just me and SkyWalker at home? Vader has gone in to work. He left at 6ish this morning so that he would get back in time for me to go to work. SkyWalker and I are still in pajamas. I had just enough energy to go upstairs, change his diaper and get him downstairs. I wasn't getting him dressed too.

Let me interject at this point and say that I love my husband tremendously. He is a wonderful father. He's home every night to put SkyWalker to bed, including giving him a bath because I just can't do it anymore. He gets up with him every morning and gets him dressed (mostly every morning). He brings me clementines before I get out of bed. He is very helpful and it's not like he's not here because he's out with the boys or playing video games or something ridiculous like that. He's going to work because they are wicked behind and understaffed and lest we forget it's this job that's allowing me to stay home with my kids in the fall so we certainly don't want to rock the boat now.

But that doesn't mean I have to like it. My back is KILLING me. I have pain when I walk, especially the stairs. I need to take it easy which is impossible when I have to keep getting up at work and when I have to take care of SkyWalker and the two muddy beasts here. I've been having the Braxton Hicks contractions which is just oh so peachy. And I can't help but remember that the first time around I was 32 weeks* when the bleeding started. I'm 31 weeks today. So I'm feeling a little emotionally stressed.

At least this is my last Sunday working until September. Although I'm sure my husband will be working weekends.

I still have to brush my teeth and get dressed. So does SkyWalker. He's watching his Baby Einstein On the Go movie now. At least it's not the damn trucks movie. I'm tempted to just wait until Vader gets home and let him get SkyWalker dressed while I take care of myself. I haven't wiped up any of the mud from the floors either. If I can't get it with my foot, I'm not getting it. I can't bend. I can't squat. I can't really do anything.

I'm going to scream at my dogs, from the window, one more time and maybe just maybe this will be the time they listen and stop barking.

EDITED 3/27: *I have rechecked my dates and I'm off. I was actually 34 weeks, not 32 weeks when I had the bleeding the first time. Then it happened again 10 days later, and 4 or 5 days after that I was induced.

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