Little pangs

Facebook is having their 10 year anniversary and making little movies of highlights for people. The very first picture in mine is of Isaac. Which is fitting since I've been thinking a lot about him lately.

Mostly I've been thinking about how different our lives would be if he were still here. We wouldn't bring Haze down to LI with us. I would have to lock up the dogs whenever Chewie's speech teacher comes or we have playdates or it's nap time and I don't want any barking. The biggest thing though is LightRunner. He and Haze have a bond. They curl up together, he follows her around saying "Heze, Heze." He pets her and grabs her little face and she is the BEST dog ever and tolerates everything he does and just cuddles into him.

Which would never happen with Isaac here. First, Haze wouldn't pay as much attention because she would be too busy licking Isaac. But mostly Isaac wouldn't want LightRunner anywhere near him. Well, that's not true. But he certainly would not tolerate LightRunner crawling on their bed for a snuggle! I would have to jump every time LightRunner went near him. Not that Isaac would seek him  out to hurt him, but that he just did not have the patience for shenanigans that Haze does. It is so unbelievably cute seeing Haze and LightRunner curled up together sitting on our speech teacher's feet. And every time I see it and smile there's a little pang of guilt that it's so much easier without Isaac. Haze is easier to calm down, barks less, there's no play-fighting to scare people away. I don't have to worry as much. Which is really nice, but really sad at the same time. LightRunner will never say "I-a bark" like SkyWalker did but I console myself knowing that Haze and LightRunner wouldn't have the relationship they do with Isaac here and that relationship is pretty special and that sometimes things work out for a reason.

A year

It's a year today since that horrible day when Isaac suddenly died.

I am glad that he did not suffer (any more than he already was with his allergies). I'm glad I didn't have to watch him deteriorate and not be able to go out on his own and pee. But I can't help but feel robbed. It's not like he died peacefully in his sleep. He had a heart attack (we assume, no autopsy), in the middle of playing, and we frantically and hopelessly tried to revive him. It sucked.

In many ways life is easier without him. But there is still a sadness. And now, the closer I get to completing our family, the knowledge that this is the first baby I will bring home to just one dog waiting at the door. The first baby who will not get Isaac's sniff of approval. The first baby who will only know of him through pictures and our memories. It is hard to explain to people who do not have pets, do not have dogs, do not understand how they become such a large part of your family, but this knowledge fills me with a deep sadness.

Isaac resting on my pregnant belly, 8 years ago.

One day

Tomorrow it will be 4 weeks since Isaac has died. In many ways it seems like an eternity has passed, but yet I still feel like I am out there on the deck watching helplessly.

It's not easy to grieve for a dog. Or a pet. People don't expect you to do it. They don't quite get it. There are no funerals or rituals or ceremonies to help you grieve and move on. So it tends to linger.

We move through our days. Quietly. Trying not to notice the absence. Trying not to feel the emptiness.

Haze sleeps a lot. She wants to be close always. She lays under the table as we eat, not begging, just being close. I let her.

I am glad that I am home. Glad that I have filled my house with loud children for her to follow and love. If I were working I am sure I would have quit by now just to stay with her. She has always been a people-dog. I am sure that one day she will be fine. We both will. One day.

Isaac

I never realized how much a presence he had in this house. The house was always quiet when the dogs were at the kennel, but both dogs were gone. And when he had his surgeries and spent the night at the vet, it was brief and we were distracted. But now it is just so clear that he is missing. He was always under my feet. I couldn't cook, load the dishwasher, check the fridge, or do anything without him right there waiting for me to drop something. He loved the steam of the shower and would often lay down on the bathroom rug as I showered. Anytime I was in the bathroom it was the perfect opportunity for him to come and lay his head in my lap. He was just always there. I always knew where he was because I could hear him breathing and wheezing 3 rooms away. Scratching. Shaking. Licking his balls. He filled an entire house with his noise.

Haze spends most of her time laying down, watching us, wondering. The first night she eagerly ran to the door when Vader came home from work, thinking he would be bringing Isaac home. Every once in a while she walks around and just looks. I can see it in her eyes. She is very very quiet. She doesn't bark. She looks confused at feeding times and waits as long as she can before she gives in and eats.

He was only 8. I'll never know what happened. We were on the deck. One minute he was fine, the next he was laying down and dead. SkyWalker saw him lay down, heard him whining, told me and I said he was fine. He said "No, there's something wrong", and I went to him and he wasn't moving or responding. Vader tried to get his heart to start again, he tried chest compressions, tried everything we could think of. We're guessing that he had a heart attack. But we'll never know for sure. Vader took him to the vet the next morning to be cremated and he chose not to have him examined. He chose not to bring home his ashes. So we'll always have this question hanging over us. Wondering if the tapeworm he'd had the week before had done more damage than we thought before he got medicine. Wondering if something else had been going on. Wondering.

Quiet

For a long time I have told Isaac to be quiet. To stop barking. To stop shaking. To stop scratching. To just be quiet.

I will never hear his barking, or shaking, or scratching again.

It is too damn quiet.

Isaac and Haze slept every night curled up together.

Why I don't sleep

All of my children sleep through the night and have done so for a long LONG time. And yet I am still exhausted each morning. My sleep is always interrupted:

This happens all night long. This is actually pretty tame to what it's like in the middle of the night. Usually it sounds like an emphysema patient is sleeping with us.

What the hell?

I know there's been a relative lack of updation here... I haven't really been in the mood. And I have to fight for the computer all the time. And I don't want to bore people with pregnant talk. Once again I wish vox had custom friends lists like LJ.

We went to a parent night for kindergarten students last week. I was happy to see more than just the one recognizable preschool parent face. There are a couple of kids from preschool going there, one of which is a very nice boy, in addition to our neighbor. SkyWalker is excited about seeing them. I really hope he gets a class with a friendly familiar face. There are 4 classes and only 19-20 kids in each which is exactly how many kids are in his preschool class. The school was just updated so there are smart boards in the classrooms. It all looked pretty cool. I think SkyWalker will be fine. It might take some time, but since it's all day, every day, he should hopefully get used to it quicker than everything else!

Speaking of which, a year ago I had just started my mom's group, and SkyWalker was as shy as could be. Hiding in the bathroom, not talking to ANYONE anywhere we went. He has come so far and it's just so remarkable. Today we had a playdate with one of his preschool friends--the first friend he made--and there was no hesitation, no shyness, no warming up. He immediately started playing like a goofball. It was so so nice to see. This was our first playdate too. It makes me feel so much better... and that I've been doing the right thing.

Next week I'm leaving both Jedi with a lifesaver so I can do the icky glucose test. I've told SkyWalker that he and his sister are going to have a playdate and that Mommy will have to go to the doctor. And while he wants to go to the doctor with me, he also wants to go to Cameron's house right now. The other day he told me that Cameron was his cousin. 

The Princess is continuing to improve. It will be 4 weeks since her surgery this Monday. She was a crazy girl today running and jumping and I didn't have the heart to try to stop her. Her steri strips are off and it looks like there's a stitch coming through. I really REALLY hope it just dissolves on its own without us having to take her to get it yanked out. That will suck. It does not seem to bother her at all. Her incision is probably the same size as it was last time but it looks much smaller since her belly is much bigger. I've been putting vitamin E on it and hopefully it won't be noticeable the older she gets. Her last one was almost invisible.

I'm planning on starting her in gymnastics in the fall. Some of you might remember SkyWalker's brief (one time) dalliance with gymnastics, I think his sister will do better. For one thing, she is a climber and a jumper, and she's been going to meetups and indoor gyms for a while now. And I'm trying to get her best little buddies to join too. So I think we'll last more than one class this time. We'll definitely be needing the distraction... we're both quite attached to SkyWalker. She walks around the house calling his name and looking for him and saying "Doin?" when she wants to know what's he's doing at any given moment. It's pretty cute. She'll have the baby to keep her occuppied, but the baby can't jump. Or put her shoes on for her. Or give her a bowl of goldfish when Mommy's not looking.

Isaac's leg seems to be healing. I don't know what our game plan is. We've been confining him to the leash for months now. It's getting harder and harder. But Vader doesn't want to take him back to the vet and have them say he needs surgery so close to June. I don't know what we're going to do.

Unrelated to anything, we've been having water problems. I know we always have water problems, but this time it's the temperature. Our water has always been really hot. Since having babies we've turned the hot water heater down... and down... and down. It is now a notch about the off position. Guess what my water temp is at the tap? 160 degrees. I've been researching a lot online and whenever there's a problem it's always with water that's NOT hot, not too hot. We have an oil-fired hot water heater and a new one would be $2000-2600. I finally called my oil company to see if they could recommend someone who would service it or just tell us what we need to do and it turns out that they'll look at it. (The company it came from apparently doesn't service them anymore). AND when I explained the problem to the guy he said we would only need a new one if it was leaking and that it sounds like the "thermostat" (not the technical term) is just busted. It might cost us a few hundred to have someone come out and look at it and fix it but that's better than 2 grand. And I have a wicked huge credit from the budget plan payments I made when the price of oil was wicked high. I wonder how much oil we've wasted heating this damn water. It is now up to Vader to call and set up a time. I think I will have to remind him every day. As he said yesterday he is dillatory (?) and I am proactive. The word he used meant the opposite of pro-active, someone who just delays things, but he's trying to expand his vocabulary.

Speaking of which, when I was changing the Princess's poopy diaper today (aside--I have a friend who ALWAYS says "messy diaper". Each time she says it I think of what she must think of me and my poopy talk. I've been trying to clean it up and not let the poop fly so much, but it's hard.), SkyWalker was assisting and when he saw the diaper he said "What the hell?". It was not an unusual poop, so I really don't know what his problem was.Anyway, I'm pretty sure he did not get that expression from ME, because if he had he would have said "What the hell dude?". So I'll be blaming that one on his father.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Routine

Today was the first day I left the house since a week ago, that's right 7 days, when Vader and I got our flu shots. While in some ways I am perfectly fine with that, I feel very disconnected. We haven't had a playdate or seen our friends in ages. The Princess found a Christmas card with her friend's picture on it and latched on to it, carrying it around and saying something. When I wasn't looking directly at her I SWEAR she said "Conal". It was quite cute. Yesterday while I was laying on the couch after vomiting a second time SkyWalker told me to get up and get dressed because he wanted to go to Tony's house. Sorry kiddo, not today.

Anyway, today was back to our routine. We got up much earlier than we had been and left the house at a time when we were just eating breakfast the day before. Luckily SkyWalker was excited to go back to preschool and had been asking all week when he was going to go. Unluckily it was my turn to "volunteer" so the Princess and I had to stay the whole time and help. The Princess is all ready for preschool. She played with the playdough and the puzzles and sat in a circle on the rug and stood in line and was all in all pretty good. Except when she took her shoe off and had to try to put it back on herself and very vocally said NO! when I tried to help. SkyWalker played with other kids and participated in everything and was really comfortable there and that was good to see. 

Isaac went to the vet on Saturday and she's pretty sure that he did tear his ligament. She thinks that it is not completely torn though and that there is a *chance* it will repair itself. So for the next month we give him painkillers and keep him on the leash. While this sucks mightily, particularly since it is cold and icy and snowy and who's home to take him out on the leash?, it's not as bad as being confined to the crate. He's free in the house, doped up so he's a *little* less barky, and since he's on leash he can't eat his own poop. Maybe he'll start to stink less. There's only one being in this house who hates the cold and snowy and icy as much as I do, and it's Isaac, so he tends to not want to go out anyway. It's not like the summer when he's outside playing. So it's not as bad as it could be. 

Speaking of cold and snowy, I was actually a little sad when the snow melted all away on Christmas morning. I think I finally understand what I want--I would like it to snow once in the beginning of the season, a big 3 foot storm, and then just keep that snow for the rest of the winter. 

The Princess is a little chatterbox lately, pronouncing words that her brother just started saying correctly. They play together really well and love to hide together and search for bears. They've been playing hide and seek with Daddy which is just as cute as it sounds. I took a little video the other night and will get around to posting it sometime. 

When the Princess was born and SkyWalker kissed her little head whenever he saw her I thought I had seen the cutest thing in the world. Then when the Princess started kissing HIM I thought that had to be it. I particularly love bedtime when I tell her to go say goodnight to Daddy and her brother and she toddles to his room and says "Nite" and gives each a little kiss. But I think I have finally seen it--the Princess giving her baby dolls little kisses. It's even cuter listening to it on the monitor when she's in her crib and I can hear her kiss-smacking noises. 

OH and SkyWalker has been trying new foods! On Thursday I made chicken and rice and broccoli in a completely different way and he refused it and begged for pizza, crying and screaming. I had told him that it was something new and then he could try it and if we didn't like it that I might very well be eating pizza with him. His Daddy did not hear that. So he's whining about the pizza and Vader just YELLS about dinner being dinner and blah blah blah. So now's he's screaming and crying about the pizza, but still hasn't tried the dinner. I felt bad for him because I know exactly how he feels. So I started crying, for him and because Vader yelled at me too. SkyWalker said "Don't cry Mommy" and continued asking for the pizza and then boom, he tries the chicken and the broccoli and says he "kind of likes it" and then eats the rice and pretty much eats everything. I gave him the pizza then. He asked for more pizza and then whined when I said he could have more rice and chicken, but still. When he was all done he said "That was a good dinner Mommy." The next night I made swedish turkey balls with noodles. He ate all his noodles and wanted more. I had given him a tiny meatball on a plate. The Princess had shockingly NOT eaten her meatballs at all and also wanted more noodles. So I said "whoever eats a meatball first, gets more noodles." She immediately sticks one in her mouth and eats it. I look at him and he's got one on his fork and eats one! And says "I KIND OF like it." Saturday night we had turkey hot dogs and he actually ate half a hot dog. He told me that he's going to try things now to see if he likes them and if he doesn't then he'll ask for something else. The something else seems to be bread with butter, so I think I might be okay with that. As long as he gives it a real try instead of taking a tiny bite and immediately saying he doesn't like it. Of course he can't admit to it, so he has to say "kind of" but that's fine with me too. I told him I was very proud of him. 

The two of them are giggling like crazy in their tent and I almost don't want to go upstairs to make dinner. But #3 is overruling them right now.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Here we go again

I have tried to remain positive and optimistic. My baby is having surgery again but at least she has surgery available to her--she doesn't have a fatal disease. This will all be over and she will live a normal life. My husband's job is in jeopardy once again but I am trying to have faith that it will all work out as it has before. 

But this is just too much.

Isaac came in last night limping. He could barely make it up the stairs. I hoped it was just the cold and maybe he had jumped up too quickly. It hasn't gotten any better. Here's the kicker--it's his OTHER leg. Back in August 2007 Isaac had surgery for a torn ACL. They told us there was a good chance it would happen to his other leg too. I will bet anything that this is what it is. We're taking him to the vet on Saturday and then we'd have to take him to the specialist again and he'd have to have another surgery. Which would involve him being in the crate and confined to a leash for 2-3 months. 

So, right now I am 14 1/2 weeks pregnant and taking medication so I don't throw up but even with the medication I still sometimes throw up especially when I do too much like try to vacuum. SO, let's say Isaac gets his surgery in January. Who's home all day to take him out on the leash? Me. He'll be confined to the crate until March? Maybe. What's in March? The Princess's surgery. So I will go from taking care of Isaac to taking care of the Princess. By March I will be 5-6 months pregnant. 

And I'm not even getting into the financial ramifications of having to pay for another surgery. Let's hope Vader doesn't lose his job.

I have way too many posts tagged surgery. 

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

When husbands are right

It really really sucks. 

Vader was opposed to us getting the pool. He didn't want to do any work, although he wound up doing a lot of it, but didn't complain when he was getting sand and moving sand and doing the physical labor. It is now all up to me. We've had the pool full since Thursday. By the time I get the chemistry right it will be September and we will take it down. I check the chlorine and the pH every day. At first the chlorine was too high (naturally, since our well water is chlorinated) and the pH was too high. I added pH decreaser (acid) and think I finally got that in line. Then the chlorine was virtually non existent so I added some chlorine but it still wasn't enough and the pool analysis I checked online said I had to shock it so I did and now after 2 days the chlorine is still too high. Here's the thing though, I have two different test kits--one is the aqua chem 6 way test strips and the other is the aqua chem OTO chlorine test with the drops and the vials. They both give me different readings. 

This is a 3 foot vinyl pool. I really shouldn't have to worry about all of the chemicals. I think I'm going to stop using the  test strips and just wait for the chlorine to go down. It would help if we could get some damn sun instead of rain. At least there's no real desire to go in it right now with all this rain. Once the chlorine is safe I'm going to stop obsessing and trying to get it perfect. We have a month and a couple of weeks of potential swimming right? As long as the chlorine and the pH are okay, I really don't care about everything else. 

We had friends for dinner last night so I did all of my cleaning yesterday. I am now relaxing on the couch while SkyWalker plays Elmo downstairs on his computer. The Princess is taking an early nap. SkyWalker is coughing today  and sounds a little congested, but is not covered in snot like he usually is when he gets a cold so I'm not sure what's going on with him. His train buddy from last week has a cold so I thought we'd be getting it too. Maybe they do have it and it's just mild. The Princess is getting her molars so that could be why she's a little snotty and cranky and tired. 

Isaac is limping again. Bad. We had a playdate on Friday and the dogs were in the bedroom and Isaac jumped up on our tub to see out the window. I can only imagine that's what happened. I really hope he has not done permanent damage to his leg. We paid a lot of money for that surgery and if he's screwed it up... ack. I wish we could just keep the dogs out with us and not worry. For the most part we can but they get so excited and want to play with everyone and lick everyone and if anyone is skittish around them (as a couple of people were which is why they were in the bedroom) then it just gets me nervous. One of the kids actually wound up opening my bedroom door on Friday (the one who is the most afraid of them) and let the dogs out and they wound up being outside with us and were "okay". Most of the kids/parents that come for the big kid playdates are actually pretty good with them. They're much better outside when Isaac has his crazy ball and I can throw a stick for Haze. But inside they just get annoying trying to sit on everybody and kiss everyone and when they try to kiss a toddler they can knock him right over. I keep waiting for them to calm down as they get older. It's my fault for being so antisocial for so long and probably for working as well... they used to be alone for 8 hours every day. Now there's people and they get so excited. What I should do is try to tire them out before people come over, but I can't throw the ball for Isaac because of his leg and because he's an idiot who just wants to eat the ball and not give it back. And I can't tell him to play by himself while I throw it for Haze. He'll play with the crazy ball by himself if we're all out there and if I throw a stick for Haze, but if I throw balls he has to be involved. I still want Vader to hang some kind of rope so Isaac can play tug of war, which is what he really likes to do. 

So dinner last night was great. The Princess's little jobber friend came over, with his Mom and Dad, for pizza and wings. The Princess played with her friend when she wasn't clinging to me regretting not napping very well. We had a great time and as I was getting the Princess ready for bed I heard Vader say to SkyWalker "Wasn't that fun?". I think the funniest part of the whole evening was at 7 pm when both babies said "Enough's enough, we need to sleep!". The Princess started rubbing her eyes and yawning. The little jobber walked to his Mommy and fussed and all but said "It's bedtime woman!" 

SkyWalker was a complete goofball throughout all of dinner trying to hide under the table and being shy because there was someone new. He'd never met the Dad before and he told me earlier he was nervous. He didn't say nervous. He said "I don't want his Dad coming." But then after dinner as we played in the living room the Dad broke his shell with a measuring tape and the next thing I knew SkyWalker was giggling and being silly asking him to measure every body part imaginable and being a total goofball but in a good way this time. It was so nice to see... SkyWalker is so shy but I'm glad that he can be reached. In less than 3 months he will be in preschool without Mommy and it will be a bit of sink or swim for him I guess. He's going to have to talk to his teacher and talk to other kids and not be so shy. 

I cannot believe the Princess is still napping. She never naps this early. The dogs are napping. SkyWalker is still downstairs. There is an eerie quiet except for the occasional sound of Elmo or Oscar the Grouch that finds its way up the stairs. 

I was going to lament my dying iPod but I can hear the Princess stirring. I'd better get the laundry in the dryer before it's too late.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

We're back

I did not fall.

I did, however, sit when I was supposed to stand and slacked on my train-fixing duties, but both of those can be attributed to the fact that I thought I was going to DIE up there. Yes, my friends, karma struck once again and I got my you-know-what the day of my sister's wedding. I had to suffer through the Priest talking about love and falling in love and the difference and blah blah blah and I would have paid my BIL $20 to tell him to just skip to the good part. I think I probably will be going to the doctor soon because I shouldn't be in so much pain that I can't stand. That's just not normal.

Other than that the wedding was great, my kids did not witness the actual ceremony (the Princess was thirsty and needed to get some water), but they did great at the reception, staying up until past 10 pm! (After staying up late at the rehearsal dinner the night before). The Princess would have been on the dance floor if she would only start walking, but alas she was stuck chair-dancing and then leading me holding my hands as she rocked her body and toddled after other kids. My sister looked beautiful and everything went well. I was reminded numerous times of how much I love my SIL. 

Yesterday we went to the beach and it was the Princess's first time in the water (last year she cried and cried because she was working on a big poopy and her bathing suit was too tight). She LOVED it. I put her in a chair-tube and she bounced and bopped and laughed and stuck her head in the water and loved every minute. SkyWalker did pretty well too, but nearly as well as she did. 

SkyWalker is whining and crying right now, no doubt from the lack of anyone but me to pay attention to him. Vader is out mowing the lawn and the Princess is sleeping. I still have unpacking to do but SkyWalker wanted a snacky-snack.

One more thing--I dreamed that we had to kennel the dogs (we didn't--my MIL fed them) and that when we came back my husband went to pick them up and Isaac only had 3 legs. I said "What the hell happened to Isaac's other leg?" He didn't think to ask. Vader let Isaac out when we got home (for real) and when he came back in I noticed that he's limping. He must have hurt his back leg. 

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Success

I got the pool drained and moved to the garage (I had to use SkyWalker's wagon to help me move it. It wasn't too heavy but just unwieldly). I didn't clean the bathroom but if my MIL wants to pee she'll just have to do it at her own risk.

All in all yesterday was a very successful day.

We leave in just over an hour. My sister's wedding is on Friday. The 20th anniversary of my aunt's suicide. I wonder if anyone else will remember that? I think I'm more nervous than I was before my own wedding. I hate church shit. My children will probably do something inappropriate ("Why that man say god? He listen to Lamb of God too?"). I have to walk down the aisle by myself. I will probably fall. I am so glad I will never be in a wedding again (hear that single coworker?!)

I slept great last night and I think it was because Isaac was in the bathroom. He came in when I was taking a shower and fell asleep on the floor (just like old times) and just never got up. I didn't hear any scratching or shaking or any nonsense. It was great. His skin is in such horrible condition right now. I think he needs a spa treatment. We're giving him prednisone again because it's so bad. He's been doing bad for a while now, since he was cooped up in the crate after his surgery. He had been doing so well before that and didn't even need prednisone. 

I'd better start loading up the car and organizing the breakfast dishes. Maybe I'll get some vomiting in there too. Not in the breakfast dishes. That would be gross.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

One of those days

It was one of those days. 

One of those rare, everything is going right sort of days. I know. You thought I was going to complain about something. 

I got up later than I should have, but early than I have been lately, so it was still good. The Princess was sitting in her crib patiently waiting for me without making a peep. SkyWalker got dressed with a minimum amount of complaint. The vet called and Isaac is just fine--all of the tumors were benign. We left the house on time. Got to Cartwheels for our meetup, had a blast, SkyWalker ran from me to play with things and even let me go to the potty while he stayed and played with other kids. The Princess cooed at the other meetup mom who could make it and let me walk away from her as she played. It was amazing. There was only one mom there from my meetup, but it went great. And I have found a new reason not to complain.* Anyway, her 16 month old daughter gave the Princess hugs and the Princess seemed to like it. She was also very interested in SkyWalker, as are all the little girls. Her son is SkyWalker's age but he was off playing with someone else he had just met. He seemed like a nice boy though and one who would get along well with SkyWalker. It was a great meetup. 

From there we went to our favorite place to eat and met up with one of my friends. SkyWalker was amazingly cute and hilarious. Aside from the Princess's insistence on shredding napkins and dropping them on the floor, they were both very well-behaved and I couldn't complain about anything. 

SkyWalker requested that we not go home but instead go "somewhere". He had earlier asked that we go to the internet to find the numbers he wanted (I told him I didn't think they would be in a store and we'd have to get them on the internet)... so I said how about checking out our favorite store and we went to Target, despite the Princess not having had a decent nap yet. They were both pretty good at the store. I bought myself a $4 1000-piece puzzle and some storage bins. We checked the toy section and didn't see the numbers or any mats at all. A clerk came walking by as I said to SkyWalker "I just don't see them." The clerk asked what I was looking for, called someone and led me to the spot... where they had one package of the mats left and it was... numbers! Amazing. And it was cheaper than what it would have been online. The only problem is that they are bigger than the letters we have at home so they don't interlock. I don't know where my MIL found letters so small... SkyWalker's solution is that Grama needs to find new letters. He's a funny boy. 

I am hungry and tired and waiting for Vader to come home from grocery shopping. But it's all good. 

* So this adorable 16 month old girl with little glasses on her face and the sweetest little smile had brain surgery in January! Her brain was just too big and she had to have part of her skull and vertebrate shaved down to make room. She developed complications and there was fluid in her brain so she had to have a shunt put in. She'll probably have to have some type or shunt surgery every 10 years or so as she grows. Can you imagine??? She's tiny, the size of the Princess, and looks young. But you can tell she's a fighter. She was independent and walked away and played and showed no fear of anything. She was so amazing. Really an inspiration and a reminder that when you think you've got it bad there's always someone else who has it worse... and her mom was so calm and together. This is her 3rd child and I think I would have pulled my hair out. The surgeries have been in Rochester so there's been lots of driving back and forth. I'm sure she had her dark moments, but she was inspirational too. It would be easy to be pessimistic and negative and I didn't get that from her at all. Just amazing. 

And with that the Princess has decided to cry out. She slept last night, but lately she's been crying for no apparent reason in the middle of the night. I think she just needs a little cuddle. But she doesn't go back down easily. The other night I had to just leave her crying. She was done by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs, but it was still not the best way to spend the middle of the night. Ah, she has quieted herself. This is what all the sleep training is about. 

It is now 9 pm. I am hungrier. Time to eat and watch some How I Met Your Mother and hope the dogs don't bark when Vader gets home.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Sad lips

Shinesalot is going through what I did just a mere 2 months ago; her FIL passed away early this morning and now she has to pick up the pieces and juggle her responsibilities to her husband and her son. Never an easy thing. I wish I could hop on a plane and be there.

I spent the afternoon outside, first with SkyWalker running around with the soccer ball, and then with both SkyWalker and the Princess on the swings. The Princess wasn't quite sure what to make of the swing at first but she liked it. She especially liked when her big brother was swinging right next to her.

She did wonderful at the meet-up today. She was cute and flirty with a baby just one month younger. They teamed up to move one of the chairs. She held his hand. SkyWalker said she made a friend. He did okay. He was quiet but then he started to warm up and say silly things. There was another 3 year old girl there who was non-verbal and with her therapists and then a 2 year old so SkyWalker really didn't have anyone to play with. I talked a lot with the mom of the baby. It went well.

Isaac was doing well when we got home. No more bloody diarrhea or vomiting. He went out a million times to pee but I think he also just wanted to be outside and I felt guilty that I couldn't just let him out. Haze spent the ENTIRE day outside, sleeping on the deck. Rubbing it in. I feel so bad for Isaac. How much does this poor dog have to go through? It's not like any of the surgeries were cosmetic. And it's not like we had a real choice. Sure, you always have a choice, but we really didn't have a choice. I hope the biopsy comes back okay. If it doesn't then we'll have a real problem.

The Princess has been very kissy lately. She usually tries to french kiss me and likes to eat my lips when I pucker up for a kiss. But the other day I was laying on her floor and she crawled to me and I felt a little soft kiss on my nose. Her mouth was closed and it was a real little kiss. And then she looks at me and smiles and laughs and it's the best thing in the world.

SkyWalker has been "bery happy" lately. I don't really know why but that's okay with me. He is constantly telling me he loves me and the Princess and Daddy and the dogs. And we're all bery happy. Except the dogs. Because they have sad lips.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Surgery sucks

Isaac's surgery went as well as it could. He looks pretty beat up... stitches on his neck, his legs. The vet had never seen anything like that big lump that was on his back leg. That's comforting. (not). We'll get the results of the biopsy in a week. He's wearing a cone--collar again and will have to be on the leash until he gets the stitches out (April 5). He's pretty doped up now and just sleeping but I'm sure he'll be a pain in the ass tomorrow and scratching at his cone.

The Princess had her checkup. She's 17 pounds, 15 ounces (she's always 1 or 2 ounces below the next pound. Always. It's hilarious.). She's dropped to the 10th percentile so I know she's mine for sure now. She's 27 1/2 inches long, I think that's the 25th percentile so she's proportionate and right where she should be. She's doing great with everything. Her ears look fine. She's probably teething. I got the go-ahead to do cow's milk early and now I probably won't. 

I have my first meet-up tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I'm trying SO hard people. So hard. 

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Who's counting?

Those of you keeping track at home know that my son had one surgery, my daughter had one surgery and Isaac the dog had TWO surgeries--not including getting fixed because that's just not optional if you're a good dog owner. Next Tuesday he will have his third surgery. That's right! Number 3. 

I discovered a cyst on his neck a few weeks ago that Vader poo-pooed. Last week Vader said we were going to have to take him to the vet because it was worse. I looked at it and it looked like what was on his ear back in Oct. 2006 so I was pretty sure we'd have to do surgery again. While he's getting this removed they are also going to remove the growing bumps on his legs. He hasn't lost hair there but they've gotten bigger and bother me. They just can't be normal. 

It'll just be a one-day thing, no overnight. I'd really like to know why he keeps getting these things. It can't just be our bad luck rubbing off on him because Haze is fine. Although she did have that adventure in the woods... but she's been healthy. 

Speaking of healthy, coughing child number 2 beckons.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

The problem with breastfeeding

is that when I'm having some kind of gastrointestinal issues, 9 times out of 10 so is the baby. Groan. I've alternated between changing diarrhea diapers and using the bathroom myself. And she's nursing more to make herself feel better and of course I am the only one who can provide that. I really hope this is a 24 hour thing and is over soon.

Isaac made it through surgery okay. I have to call after 10 to make sure we can pick him up today. It'll be another late night for Vader since the vet specialist is about 2 hours away. And another late night for me, taking care of wake up to bedtime all by myself again.

Who takes care of a sick mama when Mama is taking care of a sick baby?

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

The Jedi leave the house

No, not for the first time, but we've only made small trips to the library and Target. Monday we went to the indoor playground across the river. There was NO ONE there. Defeats the purpose (socialization). Finally 2 boys showed up who live nowhere around here. SkyWalker had a good time though. Then we went to Denny's, SkyWalker thanked the waitress for his food without me telling him too, the Princess screamed when she did a huge poop, and I flashed some poor man when she accidently pulled my shirt down with her crazy arms (I was not even nursing). We had to use the library drive thru since they were both overdue for naps (I've gotten SkyWalker to nap again, woo-hoo!) and the Princess has decided she's no longer going to nap in her carseat. Should make the trip to LI real fun.

My left boob is about to explode. I fed her at 6:30 last night. It is 6:42 am now. She stirred at 5, I gave her the pacifier and reswaddled her and she went back to sleep. I could have/should have exercised this morning but I was afraid she would wake up in the middle of it. I'll go up there at 7 and wake her up if I need to. I remember the first few weeks thinking I would never get to this point, and yet here I am. And quicker than her brother. It's just amazing.

She gets more and more beautiful each day and smiles and laughs and is just happy. SkyWalker constantly makes me laugh and I still can't believe I'm here. It's not easy--juggling two kids, two dogs and a house but this is what I was meant to do. I'm even more sure of it now. While I like to say that my house is a mess, it's not. It's in relatively good condition. Laundry is done, the dishes are done. The bathrooms are cleaned every once in a while. ;-)

We went on a picnic yesterday in the backyard. All 3 of us. These are the things that I missed while working all day. Because we just didn't get around to that stuff on the weekend when I had laundry to do and other crap that had to be crammed into 2 days. Not to mention our weekly obligation to the in-laws. I wish that Vader could work less and had less lawn maintenance to do so he could enjoy some of this too. But his demands at work are growing and even though he's cut out mowing some of our lawn it still takes a good 5 hours to do the rest. And of course the in-laws take time away from us too.

Isaac is at the vet now. He slept there last night but his surgery is not until this afternoon. Vader said he was fine and happily went with the vet tech. (He's probably glad to be on a little vacation away from the kids!). Haze whined a lot last night but slept okay. SkyWalker was very gentle with her and put his little head on her back, rubbing her back and said "What the matter Haze?". Made me cry more.

I should have pumped some of my left side when I did the right this morning. Holy moly man. (I feed the left and pump the right for the first feed of the day). It's making me sweat and we all know that I do not sweat.

It's 6:54 now. I hear nothing. I think I'll go up there, give her the vitamin and get some relief.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

New day

I'm watching the sun come up.

I don't believe I have ever done that before. At least not sitting in my kitchen with a cup of tea. Maybe on a bus when I was half asleep and not really paying attention.

We had a horrible day yesterday. The Princess was tired but not napping. I spent all day trying to get her to sleep. SkyWalker has given up naps and with the reduced attention for him by dinner time he was just unbearable. At one point The Princess was crying in her high chair and SkyWalker was crying on the floor and I was crying in my chair. And Daddy was mowing the lawn. She finally fell asleep at 8:20. I dream-fed her at 10:45 (she did not wake up). It is now 5:34 and I have not been up to her room yet. She has been sleeping for 9 hours, hasn't eaten for nearly 7. She just did a little fussing so I know she is alive.

I am pumping and drinking my tea and checking my e-mail. When I am done I am not going to do my step aerobics (I have not done that in 2 weeks and feel like crap, but hey), but I am going to read the new Harry Potter. Two or three days ago I was saying that I did not care about HP, I'd get around to it whenever, hadn't requested it or pre-ordered it or whatever. I was at Wal-Mart and there they were so I said sure, why not, I'll buy it. I started it and now I have to read it. And as hard as I tried to get my children to cooperate yesterday they did not, so I will be reading it in the wee hours of the morn.

Vader is taking Isaac to a specialist today. He should have been healed by now and is not. He will probably need surgery. It will probably cost $2-3k. It might happen to his other back leg in the future. I'm sure they won't do surgery today.

Oops, there she goes.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Time slips away

I close my eyes and open them again and another week has passed. It's amazing how quickly time goes when you're not cutting it up into work weeks and weekends. Every day is the same and they all speed by...

Anyway. I have  no idea how much time I have to write since the Princess has refused a nap and SkyWalker just fell asleep nearly half an hour ago. Maybe I won't write in complete sentences so I can update everything that needs updating. There should be a new rushed mom blogger language. Ha.

1. The Princess had her ultrasound and VCUG yesterday. She does not have reflux. What she does have is a duplicated system on the right kidney. Which means that instead of one ureter coming out of the right kidney she has two. And one of those is a little messed up. We'll do another ultrasound in 3 months and if the dilation has gotten worse then we may need to think about surgery. But for now it's so slight that they are willing to "wait and see". The fact that she has two ureters doesn't matter. Lots of people have them (and in telling the in-laws this we discovered my FIL has it. Umm.... hmmm we could have used that information...). She's doing quite well, gaining a lot and starting to sleep in longer chunks at night. We're getting a good day routine going (which of course she is rebelling against by not napping right now.)

2. FIL's cancer has not gone away. The radiation did nothing. In fact the tumor may have grown a bit. He's getting another round of chemo. If that doesn't do it I don't know how many options are left.

3. We bought one of those playsets today. Well, we picked it out and put it on the credit card and the in-laws will be paying the bill. Which is a good thing since if we were paying the kids would have an imaginary playset. It was over $3k. That's a lot.

4. Isaac hurt his leg. We thought it was a torn ligamant and that he might need surgery but the radiologist said it looked more like a soft tissue injury so we're just giving him pain pills and hoping it will get better in 2 weeks. He's been limping bad. He is my problem puppy. :-( And this comes on the heels of my brother putting his dog down (the dog he got right after we got Isaac).

5. Big changes at the library. Seems as if when I go back in September Bossman will not be there. I'm surprised but not surprised. I didn't think he would ever really leave. But he's been doing things lately that I didn't think he would ever do so I guess I'm not really all that surprised. I hope whoever gets hired fits in because we are a funky department.

6. Finally, since I just heard SkyWalker start whining, potty training! It took just a few days but they were hard. SkyWalker is now potty trained, wearing big boy underwear. Still in diapers at night but getting drier and drier and waking up in the middle of the night wanting to pee on the potty. I tried to do that every 30 minute scheduling thing and it was a nightmare. He held in his poop and screamed and cried. Finally I told him he could poop in a diaper he just had to ask me for one. So he did. And then he proceeded to poop in the potty and just wear underwear. As long as he thinks he's in control... We haven't had any accidents in a while. But he has a habit of getting up prematurely and walking out of the bathroom with a turd in his crack. Because he just goes potty by himself and then tells me about it later. Which is somewhat helpful when I'm feeding the Princess, except when he leaves turd trails. He's doing really really well though and looks amazingly cute in his cars underwear.

I try to get on vox whenever I can and read even if I'm not posting. Crikey, the Princess must be hungry sooner than she should be (the nerve!). SkyWalker has momentarily quieted down. I'd better take care of her while I have the chance.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend