Balls of Responsibility

Sometimes I feel as if I am riding a unicycle perilously perched at the top trying to keep it moving all while simultaneously juggling a few million balls. At all times one of those balls, it changes which one, but always one of my Balls of Responsibility comes dangerously close to leaving its orbit and throwing the whole thing out of whack. The primary Ball of Responsibility is taking care of my children and their ever increasing school and preschool demands. But there are many other Balls--the upkeep of the House, paying bills, never ending laundry and dishes; the upkeep of ME, running, reading, blogging; and then there's the marriage Ball. This is perhaps the hardest Ball to keep in the air because it depends on two people.

It is hard when one person works outside the home and the other works, albeit unpaid, within it. Our society values the person who is earning money and not the other. It's easy to fall into the "who has it harder?" game. I think the hardest part of being a DGPM is that people think it's easy. That because we have chosen this, because we are happier doing this than working at a job somewhere else, then that automatically means that it is EASY. But it's not. I'm a million times happier at home than when I was working at the library. That is undeniable. But that doesn't mean that I am sitting here all day eating bonbons and watching TV and doing NOTHING. I have responsibilities too. Lots of responsibilities.

This has been a tough week. SkyWalker has been home all week recovering from his surgery. He's had good times and bad times. We've fought over his school work. He's watched movies every single day. We've done what we've had to just to make it through. I can't take them out, can't have playdates or go to the library or even send him outside to run around. He can't have too much activity.

This week has been the perfect illustration of how it is NOT easy. It is not easy to keep all the Balls in the air. SkyWalker cries because his throat hurts and his ears hurt but I need to run and get Chewie off of the kitchen table or yank the dog food out of her mouth. I need to make sure he is drinking enough water and then I hear the splashing of Chewie playing in the toilet bowl--often full of pee because nobody but me flushes in this house. I am blogging now because we are watching a movie. And I will get up in a minute because Chewie has gone in the kitchen alone and that never leads to anything good.

When we have these weeks it reminds me how much I need the acknowledgement that this is NOT EASY. That this is hard. And important. And valued. And it really sucks not getting it.

Acknowledgment

As is often the case I have about 7 minutes to type... 

When DGPMs get together one of the things we like to talk about is how demanding our lives are and how very little credit we get for it. When you're working for somebody besides a paycheck you also get performance evaluations, feedback, acknowledgment from your boss. DGPMs work damn hard and in addition to no paycheck we also don't get the feedback and acknowledgment that most people need. Our "bosses" are children. When was the last time your kid said thank you for teaching them to share or for insisting they take a nap?** When do they say "hey, you did a nice job wiping my butt today?" They don't. And our husbands often don't either. They come home and they don't see the whole day--they don't know that you already straightened up the house 3 times when they trip over a toy in the kitchen. They don't know that your toddler has been screaming at you for 2 hours. And often when we try to explain it just never comes out right.

So what do we do? We go online, on facebook, on twitter, and we find other people in the same boat who understand how our days are and how even though the intrinsic rewards and the snuggles and kisses are so worth it, sometimes we need someone else to say "good job!" So all of you DGPMs out there that read this, you know, all 3 of you, I'm saying good job to you! I feel your pain! I share your joy! I hear ya.

**In true make a liar out of me fashion my son just got home from school and he walked in the living room I just straightened up for the 2nd time today. He came back in the kitchen, hugged me, gave me a thumbs up, and said "Did you clean up that mess in there?". I think I just got a raise.

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Planets

This was going to be a post about how hard it is to balance everything and how DGPMs* need time off too and when Dads disappear and nap while you're running around trying to cook and clean for THEM it's really annoying. 

But this turned out to be a really good day.**

I've been beating myself up about getting up at 6:30... today I bit the bullet and got up at 5:30. I showered. I had time to myself. When I got Chewie up at 7:30 I was relaxed and ready to face the day. We got to the library on time, saw great friends, the Princess left my lap and played. She cried leaving the library because we didn't get a new book, but I kept my cool and it was over before we left the parking lot. She cried when we got home because of something so ridiculous I can't even remember but once again I just ignored her and it stopped. Chewie went down for her nap later than I liked. The Princess was still awake and playing in their room but luckily Chewie slept. I brushed the dogs and paid attention to them and had no time at all to use the treadmill before I had to get SkyWalker off the bus. When we walked in the house the Princess was still awake and I thought I was screwed. But a miracle happened. SkyWalker and I went downstairs, I got on the treadmill, he got on the computer, and the girls both slept! I managed 25 minutes on the treadmill which was unbelievable. SkyWalker did tell me to "slow it up" because he couldn't hear Mr. Rogers on the computer very well. But it was almost surreal how things worked out. I was all done when Chewie woke up, the Princess slept a little longer so I was done feeding Chewie when she did wake up and didn't have to deal with her whining because I couldn't get her right away. We had a good dinner and bedtime and everything was okay. 

I'm always joking that the planets have to be aligned for things to work out but today I think I aligned them myself. I took everything in stride and just made what I had work. I've been trying to get the girls to nap before SkyWalker gets home and use the treadmill then, but it's not working anymore. But he seems to be much less needy now than he was when he first started school. He didn't need me to pay immediate attention to him. He had a snack and was fine using the computer while I was on the treadmill. I didn't have to worry about cutting it short because I had to race to get him off the bus. It was so much less stressful I was able to jog and just not worry.

I've been trying to squeeze too much into my nap times and then when I don't get a nap time I get nothing done and I get cranky. I really REALLY need to get up wicked early and start my day off with the right frame of mind and then use my nap times as a bonus. If I'm not worrying about what I'm going to do during nap time I won't feel so pressured to get the girls sleeping before SkyWalker gets home.  

And now, because I was up at 5:30 I am falling asleep at 9:30. PERFECT.

*What? You don't remember what DGPM is? You suck.

*Although it was a really good day in our universe, a friend had something really rotten happen today and as happy as I was with all of us, it was tinged with a sadness for her loss. It was a very very sad day for her.

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DGPMs

I am no longer a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom). Why? Because I don't STAY AT HOME. I need to schedule an at-home day. For reals. We have turned into people who are busy. I was supposed to stay home today and clean for my mother's visit but we had to go to a make-up gymnastics class. Between gymnastics and preschool playdates and regular playdates we are BOOKED. It's all good, but tiring. On most of the days we are home we have friends coming over. It is simply amazing. Therefore, rather than refer to myself as a SAHM, I shall henceforth use the term DGPM (Doesn't Get a Paycheck Mom), because while I certainly work, I don't get a paycheck for it. I get snuggles and cuddles and kisses and spit up on my shirts.

I should be doing a great number of things right now. But I needed to sit and blog. I've been staying up late watching television and getting up late (6:30ish). I haven't had the nap time mojo I need so I haven't been getting my me-time. While I do get time after bed I spend nearly all of it watching TV and on my iPod touch. I really need to have that time in the morning to myself so I can start the day the right way. I always thought I wasn't a morning person--getting out of bed at 10 or later--but really I just take a long time to wake up. I need silence. I can't let my kids wake me up... the constant chatter drives me crazy. But if I've been up for a couple of hours I can deal with it. I need to stop watching TV. 

The Princess is talking SO much. All day. She's doing good in gymnastics. She's starting to get less clingy and having less tantrums and I think we might be over the 2-year-old hump. Might. She's currently upstairs not napping. I hope she gets in bed before her brother gets home. 

SkyWalker is doing good in school. He doesn't want to miss it and have to do the work at home. He's made himself a friend and seems to be doing well. It's so cold that I drive down to the mailbox to pick him up. He acts as my navigator telling me to "keep going... keep going" because I have to back up the driveway. Yes, I've driven on the lawn. When we get to the garage he helps me get in straight and then tells me to "stay there... stay there" because he wants to be the first one in the house. He repeats "stay there" until he gets to the door and then yells whatever silly phrase he has come up with to tell me I can get out of the car. Cheese doodles. Chocolate Milk. That kind of thing.

Chewie is over 8 months now. Still no teeth but she's workin' on it. She sits if I prop her up but has no patience to do it herself. She's too busy pushing her butt in the air and rocking back and forth and trying to crawl. She's moving backwards and will roll her way to where she wants to go. I need to be vigilant with her siblings that we not leave small toys on the floor now. She's getting over bronchiolitis but seems to be doing much better now. I took a couple of days to just nurse her every couple of hours and that seemed to really help. The power of mama's milk... We're back down to our normal 4 times a day now. I make sure to nurse her before I give her solids and she's doing really well. I have no fears about my supply or that we'll make it as long as I want to (14-15 months). 

Things are going well, they keep me on my toes, and it's all good.

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