All the feels

This weekend a few of my closest friends are doing another Ragnar Relay--Reach the Beach in NH. I'm not doing it with them. I have a perfectly good reason but it's still making me sad and grumpy… I can't believe I feel this way but I wish I was doing it with them! I want to be not sleeping in the van and running in the dark and simultaneously feeling like I will both never poop again and have diarrhea. But alas I can't because this weekend is Skywalker's birthday party. His TENTH birthday party. As in 10.

10.

Ten is big. 1 is big and 5 is big, but 10 is the first amount of years that has its own special name. On Wednesday next week he will have been alive for a whole DECADE. Which means I have been a mother for a decade. I've been changing diapers for a decade (really wish I was done with that one).

Ten years ago I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I had no idea what the future would bring. I had no idea what kind of mom I would be. And then SkyWalker came along and it was ok. It's hard to believe that was ten years ago (harder to believe there have been 3 more babies since him). He was so tiny when he was born--just 5 pounds when we brought him home--and now he is nearly as tall as me. I'm thinking he'll be just as tall if not taller by the end of the school year. He is so smart and reads so much and he is such a good big brother to LightRunner. LightRunner loves him so so much. He's not quite as nice to his sisters as he used to be but they're kind of a pain in the ass sometimes.

So I am feeling all emotional that my first baby is going to be 10 in less than a week… and then today one of my closest friends who also cannot do Reach the Beach (for a very good reason) had her third baby girl. We have been waiting and waiting for this little lady to arrive and now she is finally here. Even my kids are excited. My girls love her older girls and we all love her and now there's a new little baby for us to fawn over and love. I can't wait to meet her. The only thing better than having your own baby is when someone you love has one.

I am feeling ALL THE FEELS.

Many things

I'm trying to get back into the blogging thing. This used to be my outlet and then well, things changed, and it wasn't what I needed it to be. I've decided to take it back though, so now it's just a matter of finding the time.

I've been doing fairly well this winter. I keep running and taking my Vitamin D and dreaming of the hot sweaty sun. I've managed to do my one weekly outside run--until this past weekend. It was below 0, or felt that way with the wind chill, and I just couldn't do it. I was so annoyed I couldn't run outside that I didn't run at all. I've tried to make up for it the past couple of days, but I've been doing so good extending my distance outside and doing more of the hill, that I feel like I've started the week off with a deficit. Which is so hilariously funny coming from a lazy bookworm. I did do 3.5 today and finally realized that I could play a DVD on my desktop computer in front of the treadmill. So I watched the first episode of Buffy and that got me through 40 minutes. I've accepted that I'm just going to go slower on the treadmill. Which is also funny to me remembering how afraid I was to run outside.

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I'm getting serious pressure to have the next baby. From my CHILDREN. I think they ask me every day when we're going to have the next baby and whether or I not I think it will be a girl or a boy. On the way home from preschool today the Princess wisely declared that she thought it will be "a girl. Or a boy." SkyWalker goes back and forth, wanting a brother, but then changing his mind because he loves his sisters so much. He said he wants one now because he just loves babies and "it's a good thing we decided on 4." I don't remember him being in on the decision. I'm not quite ready for it myself. Chewie is doing much better communicating, and seems to be climbing on tables less, but I need to get out of this winter. It's been the snowiest, coldest winter I remember in a long time, and I know that adding pregnancy to it will increase the hibernation urge. I'm trying to think positively and not assume that I will spend 8 months vomiting again. I plan on continuing running, even if it's slower, and hope that it will counteract any morning-all day sickness. One of the Princess's preschool friends is one of three and his mom is expecting her fourth. It was so nice to hear. The world is a different place now... if you have more than 2 kids people look at you like you're irresponsible and insane. If it weren't for my aging uterus I would have a million babies. I figure it balances out with all my child-free friends.

I was marveling at how much SkyWalker has grown and how I remembered when he was just a teeny tiny baby. He snuggled up to me on the couch and told me that I can still call him my baby--when we're home. They certainly make it *easy* for me to want more kids. Maybe if they were rotten I'd be done.

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My book blog is growing and I'm happy that I'm paying more attention to it than to the examiner articles. Examiner isn't paying what it used to and I wouldn't be surprised if someday it doesn't pay at all. So I'm focusing more on the blog. I was reading a lot of other book blogs and it was actually funny how many of them talked about getting burnt out and not having time to read what they wanted to read because of so many publisher demands blah blah blah and they've been doing this for a year, or less. At first I felt a little left out--I've been book blogging for SEVEN years and I don't have publishers beating down my door for reviews. But I also don't feel pressure. I get books from the library that I *want* to read, I have the books from VOYA to read, and I just started requesting e-galleys from Netgalley for my iPad. I think a lot of book bloggers got into it so they could get free books. I always got free books--from the library--and see it more as reader's advisory. If my reviews can help someone decide if they want to read a certain book, then my job is done. Even I'm not employed, I will always be a librarian at heart. It's about sharing my love of books, especially YA books, and not about getting books before they're released.

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There are towels to fold and dinner to cook and heineys to wipe.

Newborns

A friend recently asked what was so hard about having a newborn. She wanted a detailed specific answer. Unfortunately twitter only lets you use 140 characters. I've been thinking about it ever since. 

The quickest obvious answer is the sleep deprivation. 

But that's not it.

There's crying. Explosive poop. Constant feeding. 

But that's not it.

I kept thinking of my own recent experience and what was hard was trying to meet her demands while also taking care  of two other children. I had to think way back, 5 1/2 years back, to when SkyWalker was a newborn to realize what was really so hard about newborns. 

All the self-doubt. The second-guessing. The not knowing if I was making the right decisions or not. The floundering without a plan. Am I feeding enough or too much? Should I wake him or let him sleep? Is this poop normal? 

I think that's why I was so attracted to The Baby Whisperer. It gave me the plan. The framework I could use to better understand him and know what he wanted. And when things started to fall into place it gave me the confidence to continue. When the Princess was a newborn it was hard juggling two kids and we didn't really do all that much. I was a new SAHM (and I stayed at home), so I was adjusting to being home with my son, having a new baby, and my best friend moving a million miles away. But I was somewhat confident in myself by then (with her, not so much with SkyWalker). With Chewie I knew what I had to do I just couldn't necessarily do it because I had two older children who needed to leave the house and be entertained. Or needed to be taken care of. It was frustrating. Annoying. And yes, it was hard. But not in the same way. If I had other people to entertain my kids (which I sometimes did) the newborn was "easy." 

I'm not saying that your 3rd or 4th newborn experience is a piece of cake, but I knew she would sleep, I knew I could breastfeed, I knew poop came in all different shapes, sizes & colors. I had faith in my skills. And that makes a world of difference. Even when Chewie was napping for only 45 minutes I knew the likely reasons (overtired, undertired, or hungry) and just had to tweak things to fix it. Sometimes tweaking wasn't always possible because of the other two, so we just dealt with it the best we could.

Once you have faith and confidence in yourself, all of the newborn stress and problems are just inconveniences. I'll take newborns over big kids and their crazy half-logical thinking anyday!

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Home sweet home

We're all done traveling and I am glad to be sleeping in my own bed again. I will be even more glad when Chewie is sleeping in her own bed (her crib upstairs instead of the co-sleeper in our room). She had a couple of really good nights on LI and I think they were both because she was outside in the heat for the majority of the day! We have yet to replicate it. I'm getting really tired of, well, being tired. Being up twice a night is wearing on me. Particularly since I know the Princess was sleeping all night long by now... it's not fair to compare but that's what's in the back of my mind. 

We were on LI for our anniversary so we were able to go out by ourselves and have dinner and walk around Port Jeff. I had an Italian Ice. I don't know if any place up here has Italian Ices... in any event it was nice. Much better than last year when the kids and I went to dinner by ourselves. 

We're still not done with the cleanup from the Yellow Jacket Invasion of '09. My husband is going a little cooky with it. At this rate we will never be done. 

SkyWalker starts kindergarten in 3 weeks. I can't quite believe it. We're going to start getting him up earlier. His bus will come at 6:52. Isn't that crazy? He should be home by 2:45 though. I'm not sure if I want to try getting the Princess down for earlier naps or keep her on her current napping schedule. It might be nice for SkyWalker to have some alone time with me when he gets home. This is assuming the Princess naps. Actually she does okay as long as no one else wakes her up. 

The sun is still not up yet. I haven't gotten up this early in a week and I feel it... I think it was good to get a bit more sleep, but I definitely prefer getting up before everyone else and starting my day in peace. And then going to bed early. 

Shinesalot had her baby Tuesday morning and I realize once again how lucky we were that she was here when Chewie was born... I have been going crazy being so far away. 

On a related note there is a Clutch concert in NYC the day my SIL is due. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could be down there and see the concert and the baby in the same weekend? Would it be even more lovely if Chewie is sleeping the night by then?? Cross your fingers for me.

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Blathering

Vader and I are just fine, thank you.

The Princess has transitioned to one nap. This is good, and yet bad. If she sleeps in the car it's got to be early in the morning. If it's too close to her actual nap time it seems to mess things up and then she's not falling asleep until 3:30ish. Which is when she should be waking up. I repeat once again, it is so hard juggling the needs of two children. Let alone my own. 

SkyWalker starts preschool next month. I'm not quite sure how so much time has passed. For the first month I have some playdates lined up for the Princess and I so we don't cry too much. And her storytime will coincide with a preschool day so that's good. I'm debating joining the Y and leaving her in the daycare while I exercise. It would be good for her to be away from me and it would be good for me to exercise. But can I be away from her? I don't know. If I can do it then I can also have SkyWalker and the Princess take swimming lessons and SkyWalker might be able to do soccer again (if he wanted to). If I'm also using the Y I think I can justify the expense to myself. I need to exercise.  I always think the goal of exercise is too lose weight and I don't need to do that so I think I don't need to exercise. But really I need to be healthy and fit. I think I need to change my thinking and have my goal be to kick someone's ass. I'm sure I can come up with a list of people I'd like to ass-kick.

I saw an old friend's new baby today. So small and innocent. The Princess looked like such a big girl compared to him. Time flies. I've been surrounded by baby news. One of the mommy blogs I read is someone I know in real life. Well, I met her once last April, but I've been reading her blog for a while so I feel like I know her! She just had her second baby. Her posts while waiting to deliver reminded me of my own... when you go early the first time and then not the second it feels like FOREVER. I think I was just reaching my breaking point when I finally went into labor. And that was at 38 weeks. I really hope I don't go longer next time around. And finally, another one of my friends is expecting her third baby. She's very newly pregnant so I'm not going into details. If I can coordinate things right #3 will go to kindergarten with her #3. No, I'm not pregnant. We need to get the Princess' kidney straightened out first. 

I have to leave for work in 45 minutes. My hair is still wet and uncombed (but, hey, I showered). I have to change out of my shorts. I have to eat "dinner." And yet, I blog. This working thing sucks.

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