Jedi Mama: accountability

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Progress. Again.

Back in January I wrote this: I made three NY resolutions: a) To get up earlier in the morning instead of running up the stairs when I have to feed the Princess. b) To make a new friend(s) c) To not let myself turn into the bitter, angry, depressed person that I am becoming.

Two out of three isn't bad right? I just cannot get myself up in the morning. My alarm goes off at 6, I take my temperature and stay right where I am until SkyWalker comes down at 7. Each morning I think I could get up and have a cup of tea before I see my children and check my e-mail in peace and just be me. And each morning I am a lazy piece of crap who does not get out of bed. I will have to soon enough when SkyWalker is in preschool 3 days a week and I'll need to have myself dressed and ready before breakfast so I can concentrate on getting them dressed and ready.

But I'm doing pretty damn well on the other two. It took me 7-8 months but I think I can officially say I have new friends now. And I have been much happier and much less angry and bitter.

I also wrote this in January:

1. I will get up at 6 am every day. I will start the day on my own. With a cup of tea and some me-time.

2. I will read books again. We will have family reading time.

3. I will NOT do dishes or cleaning during any simultaneous nap time. I will do things that are fun and never get done.

4. I will NOT stay home when I'm feeling so stressed out. Even if we just go to Target, or the library, I will change the scenery. And it doesn't matter if there are dirty dishes in the sink and I just started a load of laundry.

5. I will NOT be a drama queen. I do not want my children to overreact and cry at everything, and I won't either.

6. I will express myself. If I don't want my husband to go to work on a Sunday, I will say so instead of playing the passive-aggressive bitch and just whining when he gets home.

7. I will tell my siblings (including sister-in-law) how much I love them.

8. I. Will. Not. Waste. One. More. Single. Day.

1. As already discussed I have miserably failed at number 1.

2. I'm reading again. Family reading time has kind of gone by the wayside since we're doing so many playdates.

3. I don't get simultaneous naptime anymore since SkyWalker hasn't napped since January!

4. We've been doing pretty well with this too. We've actually been spending more time not at home than at home lately!

5. No more drama.

6. Mostly. I just can't let go of the passive-aggressive sarcasm. Sue me.

7. Did that.

8. I think so. This doesn't necessarily mean filling every day with activities, but just enjoying what we're doing, whether it be nothing or a playdate.

Ironically as I am typing this my son is whining about wanting me to go downstairs in the office with him and my daughter is refusing to nap even though she's yawning and tired. This *could* be one of those times when I would get stressed and annoyed and unhappy. But we had a GREAT morning when our new friends came over for a spontaneous playdate. It was just what we needed and we had SUCH a good time that I am still at peace and not letting the whininess of my children overwhelm me. And there, the whininess is done so I'm off to play.

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Monday, January 14, 2008

Accountability

My sister called yesterday with some bad news... at first I thought it was going to be worse. She asked if my mom or my sister-in-law had called which made me think something had happened with my brother. Turns out my 23 year old cousin was found dead in his bed. They're doing an autopsy but he had been on medication and drinking and the two don't mix... his sister found him. Because my FIL is literally on his deathbed (any day now) we can't go down for the funeral or even just to be with the family. I'm still just in shock. When you have a kid yourself you look at death a little differently--he wasn't just my cousin. He was my Aunt and Uncle's Son. He was a brother. He was a Dad too--he had a 2 year old daughter her left behind. It is just so so horrible.

I've been having a pretty shitty week, hell, it's been a shitty few months. I have been feeling the absence of my best friend very very strongly. With Vader at his parents or work all the time, and me having to take care of 2 kids and 2 dogs all by myself all day long I'm just getting to the breaking point. All I do is wash dishes. And laundry. SkyWalker hasn't been napping. The Princess had been napping great--unswaddled too--but is getting her first little tooth so she was up after only 30 minutes today. And if they don't nap together I get NO ME TIME. Days like this, weeks like this, and I'm ready to snap. I can't deal with things that I should be able to deal with. And in the past when it got like this I could always count on my best friend to be there to break the mood. To liven us up. The boys would run around and not be in my hair... and I could breathe for a second or two. But now I am alone and so it just festers and festers.

But not anymore. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of being unhappy. I'm sick of complaining. I have 2 wonderful kids, one of which is a frickin' genius, and the other is just a joy (when she's not sprouting teeth). And I'm HOME with them. This is what I have wanted and longed for. I have wanted nothing else for the last 3 years. And I'm not even really enjoying it. Sure, right now all I'm doing is the damn dishes and it's amazing how much time that takes up. And I've been using paper plates at lunch time! And snack time! But it's still just so time-consuming. But besides the damn dishes now, I just haven't been enjoying it like I should because I keep feeling this loss of how it was supposed to be. Well, it's never going to be how it was supposed to be. I just don't want to waste any more time.

So. I. Am. Done.

Done complaining. Done being unhappy. Done. I am going to get ME back. And I'm writing this here, and not locking it, for some accountability. It's one thing to think it and another to publicize it.