A-ha! Not the band

I *should* be on the treadmill right now but I am not. But I am also not eating the bag of cheese doodles in my closet so I think it's okay.

I've had a breakthrough. One of those breakthroughs I have to blog about right away. One of those breakthroughs that make me say "Duh." The best part of my new life--the social talking to people one--is that every once in a while one of  my mom friends will say something or do something that is so obviously want I need to hear (most often said unintentionally).

I've always felt that I had more control over SkyWalker when he was younger than I do over the Princess now and I never really understood why. I know that they are different children. He was much calmer than she is now (although he's CRAZY now). But I think I finally realized that I did this to myself. I'm not saying that she is out of control--she's not--or that she is "in charge"--she's not. But I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her or that everything is a struggle. Anyway, this is not an excuse, but I realized today that when I got pregnant with Chewie she was only 17 months old. 17 months! From that time until she was 2 I spent much of it with my head in the toilet. Pregnancy is hard enough without "morning" sickness that lasts for months. So at the very same time that she started to test the limits, I was at my weakest. I didn't have the energy. I couldn't fight TWO children when I was running to the bathroom. So I didn't. And there's also the fact that I have worried about her since I was 20 weeks pregnant with her--she has had THREE surgeries. She has gone under anesthesia THREE times. Been cut open. I think it's natural for me to want to just make her happy. She's also way more emotional than SkyWalker ever was and prone to tantrums over the most ridiculous things. So when I go upstairs in the morning to feed Chewie and she starts whining that she wants to go downstairs and I know what she really wants to do is watch Curious George and I really don't want her to, I wind up feeding Chewie downstairs even though I don't want to because I don't want to deal with a tantrum in the morning. I don't ever want to deal with a tantrum. There are so many things going on--I don't want the tantrum; she's more emotional and prone to it; she talks so damn well I forget she's only 2 1/2 and I think she will listen to reason; I just want her to be happy. I will frequently say "Stop the whining, I don't want any more whining!" as I am fulfilling whatever request she is whining about.

And then my friend mentioned how when her daughter is whining or crying she does not respond at all. Seems simple really. She just doesn't even listen/talk to her daughter at all. She doesn't try to reason or explain. So the last two days I have been standing my ground a lot more and I have been completely ignoring the tantrums. And we have had the most pleasant time. She eventually gets over it and moves on. I'm not rewarding her with the attention she's looking for with the crying. I think I keep forgetting that she's only 2 1/2 because of how well she speaks and I'm also forgetting that I can't use the same techniques on both her and SkyWalker. He's 5. He needs the explanation, he listens to reason most of the time, he's a big boy. She's still very much a little girl. 

I focus so much of my parenting behavior on SkyWalker and sometimes forget my Princess. Someone remind me of this 2 years from now when Chewie starts going crazy.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

This might be rambly

Feel free to get yourself a drink and pee first. Or you know, skip reading altogether. :-)

Things are going really well. 

It's amazing how a simple change in perspective can change things. But it's more than that. I think for a long time that I always had this picture in my head of what happiness was and how I had to get there. I always needed more. When Vader and I were first together I needed to get married in order to be happy. When we got married, I needed a house. When I got a house, I needed a dog (or two). When I got the dogs, I needed a baby. When I had one baby, I needed another. And so on and so forth. In addition to that I had this vision of my life's path--drinking a cup of tea while my kids and Shinesalot's kids played. I put all of my friendship eggs in that one basket. And when that was taken away from me I was pretty much devastated because my life's happiness depended on that. 

A new friend's signature is this quote : Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.  ~Abraham Lincoln

I think this is the key element. I always relied on outside events or other people to determine my happiness. And those things are not reliable. The only person I can truly rely on is myself. (Of course I can rely on my husband, but not to keep me happy.) I am the only person who can truly keep myself happy. And by happiness I don't mean the blissfully ideal happiness I once thought of... I mean a more realistic down-to-earth happiness. 

I've made a new friend and although she has some sadness in her life right now I think it's going wonderfully. And on Friday our neighbor-friend is bringing her kids to my bi-weekly big kid playdate. I have a close friendship with someone I never would have expected but we chat a lot (when my kids don't interfere and her job doesn't interfere). I have great co-workers. I'm trying to spread out my friendship eggs instead of concentrating them in just one person and I think it's working. I think I resisted making real friends out of some kind of loyalty to Shinesalot, that I would be betraying our friendship if I let myself be friends with other people. But I can't think like that anymore. Shinesalot will always be my best friend forever but I need local friends too. And not just local playdates but local *friends*. 

And since my life-changing attitude my luck is changing too. Of course it's not to my luck, just my perception of it, but whatever. The couch is being delivered on Thursday--the day we were scheduled to go to the beach with my meetup. I was afraid we'd miss it so I asked my new local friend if she wanted to go on Tuesday with just us. We met there and I brought my mother's helper and it was wonderful. SkyWalker had a great time without me. The Princess and the little jobber swam in the water and held hands occasionally and I talked to my friend and I let myself just be happy in the moment. It was a great day. And what's happened? Looks like it's going to thunderstorm all day on Thursday. We got our beach day in perfectly. And normally I would be upset about rain ruining my plans... but I could use the rain to fill up the pool and not drain my well dry! It's all how you look at things. 

Today I babysat a 2 1/2 year old for the first time. Trainboy has been mentioned here before... and SkyWalker did GREAT. He's so much better one on one. He played so nicely and talked to him and played WITH him. There were no arguments or awkward moments at all. It went really well and I think it helped us as much as his mom! 

The only thing not going well right now is the Princess is refusing to take a second nap. I think I'll have to get her up for snack and try again after. I've let her whine for quite a bit now and she's just not giving up. Despite her rubbing her eyes and being cranky. I will be glad when these molars are done! 

Read and post comments | Send to a friend