The sisterhood of mothers

Last night the Princess asked me to read her Someday by Alison McGhee, a book that chokes me up on an ordinary day. I read as much as I could, trying not to cry, and when I got to the page about one day you will hear such sad news that your body will fold with sorrow I could barely get through the sentence. We finished the book and I quietly cried and then noticed that she too was crying. I asked her why and she simply said "Because you are."

It is the crying we do for other people's pain that is the hardest to stop.

Yesterday was no ordinary day.

Yesterday I learned that a friend of mine from high school lost his 11 day old baby. I had been following her progress on Facebook since the day she was born. I had been hoping and wishing and even forced my heathen self to say a prayer or twenty. I asked friends to do the same. But yesterday she lost her fight and they lost her.

I haven't seen my friend in 20 years. I have never met his wife. But I cried for them. I cried in the preschool pick up line. I cried in the shower. I cried myself to sleep.

They talk a lot about the mommy wars. Working moms, stay at home moms, breastfeeding moms, formula feeding moms, attachment moms, um, non-attachment moms. Screw that. We are all mothers. Mothers who love their children. Mothers who love ALL children. When one of us hurts, we all hurt. When one of us cries out in sorrow, we all cry out in sorrow. This is the sisterhood of mothers. While I cannot hope to know the pain, to fully understand it, I feel a paler version of it. I feel it for you. I cry for you. Today I give you my sadness, my tears, my anguish. I hope tomorrow to give you my strength. To give you some small solace in knowing that you are not alone in your pain. That I will not forget. This is the sisterhood of mothers. You are not alone. We are not alone.

Accountability

My sister called yesterday with some bad news... at first I thought it was going to be worse. She asked if my mom or my sister-in-law had called which made me think something had happened with my brother. Turns out my 23 year old cousin was found dead in his bed. They're doing an autopsy but he had been on medication and drinking and the two don't mix... his sister found him. Because my FIL is literally on his deathbed (any day now) we can't go down for the funeral or even just to be with the family. I'm still just in shock. When you have a kid yourself you look at death a little differently--he wasn't just my cousin. He was my Aunt and Uncle's Son. He was a brother. He was a Dad too--he had a 2 year old daughter her left behind. It is just so so horrible. 

I've been having a pretty shitty week, hell, it's been a shitty few months. I have been feeling the absence of my best friend very very strongly. With Vader at his parents or work all the time, and me having to take care of 2 kids and 2 dogs all by myself all day long I'm just getting to the breaking point. All I do is wash dishes. And laundry. SkyWalker hasn't been napping. The Princess had been napping great--unswaddled too--but is getting her first little tooth so she was up after only 30 minutes today. And if they don't nap together I get NO ME TIME. Days like this, weeks like this, and I'm ready to snap. I can't deal with things that I should be able to deal with. And in the past when it got like this I could always count on my best friend to be there to break the mood. To liven us up. The boys would run around and not be in my hair... and I could breathe for a second or two. But now I am alone and so it just festers and festers. 

But not anymore. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of being unhappy. I'm sick of complaining. I have 2 wonderful kids, one of which is a frickin' genius, and the other is just a joy (when she's not sprouting teeth). And I'm HOME with them. This is what I have wanted and longed for. I have wanted nothing else for the last 3 years. And I'm not even really enjoying it. Sure, right now all I'm doing is the damn dishes and it's amazing how much time that takes up. And I've been using paper plates at lunch time! And snack time! But it's still just so time-consuming. But besides the damn dishes now, I just haven't been enjoying it like I should because I keep feeling this loss of how it was supposed to be. Well, it's never going to be how it was supposed to be. I just don't want to waste any more time. 

So. I. Am. Done. 

Done complaining. Done being unhappy. Done. I am going to get ME back. And I'm writing this here, and not locking it, for some accountability. It's one thing to think it and another to publicize it. 

1. I will get up at 6 am every day. I will start the day on my own. With a cup of tea and some me-time. 

2. I will read books again. We will have family reading time. 

3. I will NOT do dishes or cleaning during any simultaneous nap time. I will do things that are fun and never get done. 

4. I will NOT stay home when I'm feeling so stressed out. Even if we just go to Target, or the library, I will change the scenery. And it doesn't matter if there are dirty dishes in the sink and I just started a load of laundry. 

5. I will NOT be a drama queen. I do not want my children to overreact and cry at everything, and I won't either. 

6. I will express myself. If I don't want my husband to go to work on a Sunday, I will say so instead of playing the passive-aggressive bitch and just whining when he gets home. 

7. I will tell my siblings (including sister-in-law) how much I love them. 

8. I. Will. Not. Waste. One. More. Single. Day.

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