One day

Tomorrow it will be 4 weeks since Isaac has died. In many ways it seems like an eternity has passed, but yet I still feel like I am out there on the deck watching helplessly.

It's not easy to grieve for a dog. Or a pet. People don't expect you to do it. They don't quite get it. There are no funerals or rituals or ceremonies to help you grieve and move on. So it tends to linger.

We move through our days. Quietly. Trying not to notice the absence. Trying not to feel the emptiness.

Haze sleeps a lot. She wants to be close always. She lays under the table as we eat, not begging, just being close. I let her.

I am glad that I am home. Glad that I have filled my house with loud children for her to follow and love. If I were working I am sure I would have quit by now just to stay with her. She has always been a people-dog. I am sure that one day she will be fine. We both will. One day.

Quiet

For a long time I have told Isaac to be quiet. To stop barking. To stop shaking. To stop scratching. To just be quiet.

I will never hear his barking, or shaking, or scratching again.

It is too damn quiet.

Isaac and Haze slept every night curled up together.

Time

This Saturday is the 17th.
Vader and I will have been together for exactly 15 years and 4 months (Sept 17, 1993).
Vader and I will have been married for exactly 6 years and 5 months (August 17, 2002).
SkyWalker will be 4 years and 4 months old (Sept 17, 2004).
And it will be exactly a year since my FIL passed away.

I still remember the night before. It was a Wednesday and I was working Wednesdays then. I had a horrible migraine. It had been weeks since I had seen my FIL because my in-laws and Vader didn't want SkyWalker to see him so sick. Even though I felt like I was going to vomit from the pain, I called my MIL and decided to visit. I knew it would be the only time I had without the kids. I went. It was hard. He couldn't speak and wasn't very aware. I thanked him for letting me be a part of his family and said goodbye. He reached out his hand to me. Something he had not done. And then I left. I knew when I left that it would be the last time I would see him. I told my husband that his mom said it was going to be soon. I KNEW it would be that night. My MIL called and Vader said he would be there the next day. I've often wondered if there was more I should have said to Vader. If he understood it would be his last night. I'm not sure I could have said enough. I'm pretty sure he was in denial because he told all his work friends at the funeral how much quicker it happened then he expected. Anyway, we went to sleep and the phone rang at 5:30 and I knew.

I can't believe it's been a year.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Funerals

Funerals suck.

Funerals when you are on the greeting line suck more. 

Having to explain to your 3 year old where his grandfather is really sucks (no he was not there, but he's been the house). 

I am so beyond exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. SkyWalker is holding his poop in AGAIN because that's the only thing he can do... And now begins the lovely task of healing... and setting limits and telling my husband that now that this is "over" he has to be home more and spend more time with his kids. 

Good times.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Peace

The last time we all went to the in-laws was a couple of weekends ago. We did not go last weekend when MIL made the decision to stop the fluids because Vader didn't think SkyWalker should go. And until Haze stops letting him watch TV she's not babysitting which means if SkyWalker doesn't go, I don't go. Last night I did one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Despite an oncoming migraine, when I left work I went to my in-laws and I said goodbye to my FIL. 

Now my husband is doing one of the hardest things he has ever had to do. He's on his way there now at 6 am. His mom is pretty sure that FIL has already passed. I'm waiting for confirmation now. 

I got a chance to say goodbye. And that's good. 

This has been one hell of a week.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend