This is 40

I meant to do so many posts over the last month but nothing has quite been how I planned it. I'm going to try to prevent writing a novel here, so to be very brief:

In early June, within two days Chewie broke both of her arms-- her left wrist and then her upper right arm (proximal humerus). She has a cast on the wrist and a sling on the right arm. We hoped to get rid of them both last week but they haven't healed yet. No summer camp for her, no swimming, no playing, no running and jumping and enjoying summer. She is now able to feed herself some things but still cannot dress herself or brush her teeth. I bought her an iPad mini and she uses it all the time. She will have major withdrawal once her arms are working again and she has to follow the same electronics rules. It is impacting everything-- LightRunner's behavior, our routines, everything. Right after she broke both arms, the Princess came down with both strep throat and a mystery high-fever virus, and then Chewie caught the same bug. Anything I hoped to accomplish before school was out was thrown out the window. No special LightRunner and me time.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, also in June, Vader threw me a "surprise" early 40th birthday party. I knew it was coming but not where or when (until that week). It was a great night filled with wonderful friends and the perfect beginning to what will no doubt be my best decade yet.

Surrounded by friends! Ignore the red eye. 

On my actual birthday, Britt came over with pizza and peanut butter brownies that she spent all day making, despite her son's severe peanut and milk allergies. That's love.

I celebrated by running 8 miles (8/2=4 and also it was on my plan) the day before my birthday and running 4 awesome miles of speedwork yesterday. Truly awesome. I paid for a babysitter to watch LightRunner and Chewie so I could do my speedwork at the track and it was worth every penny.

June pretty much sucked and was not at all what I planned and I'll admit I had a couple of days when I was not at my best. But we adapt. We do what we can do and we move on. In my 20s and early 30s I would have wallowed and lamented and cursed my fate. But what's the point? You do what you can do. And let the rest go. And *that* is 40.

There's totally enough time

Awhile back I was running on the treadmill and listening to the Another Mother Runner podcast.  The guest that day was Jill Farmer, author of "There's Not Enough Time… and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves." The basic gist I got from her was that her philosophy was less about how to do things faster  to save time and more about changing the whole IDEA of time. And since I am a big proponent on changing one's perspective and definitions of things in order to make life saner/happier/better, this book sounded right up my alley. I checked my library and they didn't own it, so I went to Amazon and on a whim I bought the e-book right before I left for Ragnar. I read most of it in the van and then finished it back home. I was right, it was totally up my alley.

I'm not going to do a real book review here because I do book reviews over here and I'm not interested in being even remotely professional on this blog.

The biggest things I got from the book is that we like to make ourselves be busier than we are so that we can have excuses for not doing things, and so that we feel "important." I think the latter is the biggest culprit for those of us who take care of our kids all day and don't work anywhere else (yes, I still hate the SAHM label and avoid using it). If I can appear to be as crazy busy and frazzled as working moms than surely I must be doing something of value. You get the idea. I am guilty of putting so many things on my to do list that it's impossible to get it all done and then I wonder why I can't get it all done and knowing I can't get it all done I avoid starting anything and waste more time on Facebook and twitter because why start if you can't finish? (Sidenote: SkyWalker's favorite argument for not wanting to start his school projects is "I can't finish it in one day!" Apple. Tree). Farmer has some good tips for distinguishing what really belongs on your to do list, your calendar, and a 2 minute list. If you need to call the dentist it doesn't need to be on your to do list. It takes 2 minutes. She recommends your to do list be no more than 5 items and one way of whittling it down is to get all those 2 minute tasks off it. Redoing my to do list has been a major help. I printed up a new Monday-Sunday page with a separate section for 2 minute tasks and Bigger Projects. Every day I have dishes and laundry to do and put that under the appropriate day. I don't REALLY have to put dishes there because I know I have to do it, but I like crossing it off. Things like grocery shopping, particular cleaning, planting the garden are all on the to do list. Calling people, responding to birthday invitations, mailing things, are 2 minute tasks. On my Bigger Projects list I had things like clean off my craft table, pack up the baby toys, pull the girls too small clothes. Things that would take a while but I didn't know which day I would be able to get to them. Appointments and exercise go on the calendar.

I have gotten ALL of my bigger projects done this week. Sure, I have more, but all of the ones I listed, ones that have been in my mind and just not done and bugging me for months are ALL DONE. I've been planning on calling the dentist for MONTHS and just never got around to it. But seeing it on the 2 minute list and knowing it would be done in 2 minutes was good motivation. BOOM. Productivity.

Of course I haven't been running or exercising much this week so the true test will be when I ramp that up again.

The other big thing I got from the book was more philosophical. If you think there's not enough time, you will sabotage yourself. You'll be stressed and frazzled and make mistakes. I have taken wrong turns and missed my road so many times when I'm late for something. Or you're rushing and drop things and then have to stop and clean that up. Now, if you've given yourself 5 minutes to get to preschool and it takes 20, well, no, there's not enough time to get there in time. But if you chill out and just think hey, I've got plenty of time to get it done, you'll relax, make fewer mistakes and you'll be 15 minutes late instead of 25. Simply changing HOW you think can change how you react and that can indeed save you time.

Also, it's okay to take breaks--lots of them--and do whatever you want to do. Breaks are good. You don't have to be busy busy every second of the day. I always think that if I sit to read a book when there are dishes in the sink that I lose my credibility… but taking breaks even before all your work is done can help you get motivated to finish up.

I am a big believer in self fulfilling prophecies. If you think this day is going to suck, it will. If you think the universe is out to get you, it is. Thing negative, get negative. Think positive, get positive. This book takes that idea and applies it to time and productivity. If you're one of those people who think you can't get it all done (whatever it is) or that there just isn't enough time, you should read it. There are plenty of tips in there I haven't even mentioned.

Planning

I have a plan.

My plan was going to be to take it easy with everything. I stayed under 30 minutes and got my PR for my last run. I made a whopping $42 from the examiner--for 3 months of work. School is drawing to a close and my time will be even more limited. So I thought I'd just take it easy right now.

But I don't really do that. I mean, it might look like I'm taking it easy, but really I'm always juggling lots of different things and thinking about lots of different things.

My plan now is to just not sleep.

No, not really. Although that would make things easier. Thanks to the Happy Runner, I have a plan to get my 5K time down to 28 minutes for the Freihofer's in June. I ran it in 33:18 last year, so 28 would be awesome. We'll see. To really help me with my training I've come up with a way to get 2 outside runs a week instead of just 1. I always run on the road on Sundays. But now I will also be running Friday evenings. I'll feed the kids and me dinner (Fridays are always pizza--frozen--& salad. Easy peasy.), and as soon as Vader walks in the door at 6 I will walk out. Or run out. Most of my Friday runs are in the 3-4 mile range so it shouldn't take too long. Vader will eat his salad and I'll get home just in time to help get the kids in the bath. This obviously only works when it's light out at 6 because my road has no streetlights. But I'll take it. This is beyond awesome because of the planet-aligning I need to do to get Chewie to nap.

The days we stayed home last week Chewie napped great. The days we went out, she did not. All it takes is 5-10 minutes of sleeping in the car and she won't nap. Yesterday we stayed home, had lunch at 11:30, she was in her bed by 12 (without the Princess), asleep by 12:30, and then I put the Princess up there before 1, she was so quiet she got bored and fell asleep too. I paid for it at bedtime, but that was okay. Today, I managed to keep her awake when we got the Princess from preschool and I got her down  by herself shortly after 1. I brought the Princess up there at 1:30 and Chewie was sleeping on the Princess's bed. It was adorable. I'm not quite sure what happened, but she woke up and proceeded to destroy Pinkalicious: Tickled Pink. Luckily it's not a running day. So, I need to either stay home or make sure we are home before noon and Chewie doesn't fall asleep in the car and I have enough time to put Chewie down for a nap and then get the Princess up there so I can run & shower before I need to get SkyWalker off the bus. Wednesday is intervals day so it's a given I'm just going to be home now. I guess I'll have Fridays to do things.

I was going to write about my Blog Critics opportunity but someone is home from school now and two other someones are awake and destroying their room. So that'll just have to wait.

Plans

I'm always so good at making plans... and monkey wrenches always get thrown into them and screw it all up.

In July I was running shorter distances but doing them more frequently. It worked out well and I was able to write at least 2 articles each week for the examiner. Then I decided I'd train for a 10K and started running longer distance and then came August and all of a sudden my usual naptime runs were getting interrupted and I was getting frustrated. I switched to running after bedtime because I needed to get those miles in. But by the time bedtime rolls around I am WIPED OUT. I don't want to run. I want to watch TV or read or just do nothing. But I kept going and running in the evening. I made a strength training routine for 2 nights a week to add into the mix. And then September came. First Vader was gone and then he was working A LOT and school interfered and my mileage has gone way down. And I'm just TIRED at night. I had been saying that I was waiting for SkyWalker's tonsil surgery date before I committed to running the 10K but I think I knew the week before that I wasn't going to do it. A friend's husband asked if I was planning on it and then immediately said "No pressure" in response to the look on my face that I didn't even know was there. I pretty much knew right then and there that the idea of the 10K was stressing me out. I had already run it on my own on my road (with a tiny bit of walking in the middle) so I knew I could do it physically but mentally I just wasn't there. I wasn't interested. And then I got the surgery date, which is after the 10K, but I know if I'm not mentally into it now it's going to be worse the closer I get to the surgery. So I decided I'm not running the 10K. And I'm going back to what was working out for me before--shorter runs, faster times, more often. I need to run at naptime (which is easier now that SkyWalker is in school and the Princess is either falling asleep or truly staying quiet) so I can have my evenings to watch TV and read and not do anything.

I've been staying up too late and getting up too late and stuck in this cycle. I hope by going back to what I was doing before I can get to bed earlier and get up earlier.

I wasn't planning on running today because I ran yesterday, but I had the girls in their room early and had the time and managed to run a mile at naptime. The girls weren't actually asleep so I couldn't do the 2 miles I thought I was going to do, but it was okay because I know I'm running tomorrow too. Today was all a mess because both girls didn't get up until after 8:30, something I never let them do, and it's just messed the whole day up.

The other part of my plan is to stop writing twice a week for the examiner. I've been doing this since January and I still haven't had enough page views to get the minimum needed for a check--$25. I've received 3 checks since I started and that all came from the local incentive (they give $1 for each local article) and referring a friend. They're having major site issues right now and keep publishing my articles in Albany GA instead of Albany NY. The site itself seems to be more focused on ads than on articles now. I took the articles that I had been writing to build a resource of information for YA lit and put them on my book blog. I think I'm going to try to really focus on that instead, read a lot more, review a lot more, and blog a lot more. And forget about the examiner for now.

Right now, my immediate plan is to make dinner and get these children to bed early. But Chewie is taking a late nap. See, monkey wrenches?

The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things

The past few days have not been very good in the Jedi house. I've come to expect Mondays to be extremely difficult, but when it hits on other days it's somehow harder. SkyWalker has been doing his best to get my attention by being a wild crazy naughty boy. He did the same after the Princess was born but I attributed it to other things. He's still very affectionate and wonderful with his sisters, but he's taking it out on me. He's doing bad things, I yell and yell and yell, he laughs when he's in time out and completely disrespects me. I don't have enough time/mental power to devote to him, Vader has worked late every day and has taken work home and has spent VERY little time with us, he doesn't have preschool anymore. There are so many reasons, but in reality these are just excuses. When it comes down to it he's treating me the way he is because I am allowing it. I have somehow lost my way. Somewhere in the lack of sleep and the desperation that comes with fitting a newborn into our lives, I have given up. I've become the nagging cajoling "don't do that again!" mother who is not listened to and is instead laughed at. It's particularly hard when I know that he is such a good boy and this is just not normal for him. He needs structure and I haven't been giving it. 

But that's all over. 

We hit rock-bottom (I hope) on Tuesday when lots of tears from multiple people were shed. Wednesday morning I had a bit of an epiphany thanks to MetroDad (who you really should be reading if you don't already) and then spent a lovely 2 hours at the beach with friends, watching my children play with my mother's helper and being so good, and listening to Chewie snore in the baby bjorn instead of scream, and I realized what I have to do. 

I have to get myself back. If I think for a second that I can't do this--that I can't parent 3 children--that I can't parent a 4 1/2 year old--then he's going to feel it and freak out. He needs reassurance that yes, Mommy actually is in charge, even if he claims otherwise. I've already implemented some new tactics, both philosophical and um, practical, for lack of a better word. In the interest of brevity (ha ha) and because I like lists:

1. Good behavior jar-- I have two little jars (I believe they once held chicken bouillon cubes in them), one for each child. It's mostly for SkyWalker, but the Princess wanted one too and it's good for her as well. When they do something good they get a bead in the jar. When the jar is full they will get a chance to pick a ticket out of another jar for a reward--special treat, alone time with Mommy, extra TV. I'm not specifying what they have to do to be good--my neighbor is doing this but with specific behaviors--not getting out of bed, not hitting, etc--but I really want to focus on overall behavior. Bringing his dishes to the sink gets a bead. Doing something nice for his sister gets a bead. Sharing. The number one thing is listening and doing something the FIRST time I say it. That is ultimately what I'm trying to get to. I'm doing the random reward so that he doesn't just always choose M&Ms. We started for real yesterday and he has over 15 beads already. 

2. Ignore the bad--I really need to focus on the GOOD behavior and ignore the bad. I cannot reinforce it by yelling and repeating myself 20 times. Time out doesn't work for him anymore. Threats don't work. He's looking for attention, I have to give it to him for being good, not for being bad. Even if what he is doing is terribly embarrassing or annoying or he's been told a million times not to do it, I have to not react. Yelling is the worst thing to do. I have to just say "Please don't do that" and then walk away. 

3. Solitude-- I get up at 5/5:30 every morning so that I can have some me time. I have to continue that but I also have to make sure it's ME time. It's not enough to have physical solitude because they are sleeping. I need to have mental solitude as well. That means instead of reading babycenter message boards or researching 6 week growth spurts or potty training or whatever, I need to do something not kid-related at all. My goal in getting up so early is to start the day with a clear head but I really haven't been doing it. So from now on when I get up after I eat breakfast and check my e-mail (I can't give that up), I need to sit on the couch and read a book. That's the only way I ever truly get out of my own head. I need to be engrossed in a book and just relax with a hot cup of tea. No exercise, no cleaning. No pressure. Just some nice quiet solitude. 

4. Quiet time/nap time--I had wanted to do the treadmill in the morning once Chewie is upstairs in her own room, but I don't think I will now. I think I will aim for doing it in the middle of the day when I need that pick me up. I'll shoot for 3 days a week, but once again, no pressure. Some days I will have other stuff to do and that's okay. I don't need to lose 50 pounds, I just want to be healthier in general and have more activity than before. 

5. Leave the crazy behind--our really rough time is after nap and before dinner. When we're really having a hard time I need to change the scenery. Put Chewie in the baby bjorn if she's awake and take them all outside, or to the library, or to a park or call up a friend. Some of this may also be SkyWalker getting bored and needing to burn off steam. I need to give him the opportunity to do so. We have to get outside and if that means dirty dishes and unfolded laundry then oh well. I need to get back on track with my kid and that's more important right now.

I have just yawned 3 times in the last minute and I think that's my cue. Getting up at 5 am for my solitude is important, but so is going to sleep early! 

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Quiet time

The Princess and I had a playdate the other day while SkyWalker was in preschool and what often happens at playdates these days, we started talking about pregnancies and having babies and all that. There was one mom who said she would have a bunch of babies except for the fact that she really hated being pregnant. And my friend responded that she loved being pregnant. And I started thinking. Because that's what I do. I hear little things and then the thinking train takes over for the next few days until I drive myself crazy. I think I have a problem of seeing things in black/white, all/nothing, instead of shades of gray. Or grey. However you prefer. I think I touched on that when I decided to radically change my way of thinking. 

See, I set myself up for disappointment by expecting things to be ALL one way or ALL the other. I was so determined for this to be a happy pregnancy, that I would be one of those glowing happy pregnant women, that when I started vomiting again (and continued until 30 some odd weeks, albeit not everyday at that point), I blamed myself for failing. In my last post I realized that this has been a pretty uneventful pregnancy--vomiting is just going to be a part of it for me and the sooner I realize that the better--there have been no rushes to the hospital, no weekly non-stress tests or L2 ultrasounds, no big drama. Enjoying my pregnancy and being happy does NOT mean I have to be happy every single day or all day long. Who can be happy vomiting? I don't have to enjoy every minute. I'm allowed to complain about my back hurting and BH contractions and pelvic pressure and still be allowed to say that I'm happy I'm pregnant. I'm enjoying feeling my baby practice walking on my abdomen. There are so many women who have to go though so much to get pregnant--who may not be able to get pregnant at all--that I always feel guilty complaining. Like I have no right to do so because they would love to be in my shoes. But it's okay for me to complain. Complaining about it doesn't mean I don't want it. 

The same thing with being a SAHM. When I worked full time I wanted to be a SAHM so much that I set it up as the answer to everything. Everything would be blissful if only I could be home with my kids. When is anything ever blissful all the time? People who are CONSTANTLY blissfully happy are either on drugs or in serious denial. And when things were not blissful I felt like I was doing something wrong or that I didn't deserve to be home and if I complained about it I would be admitting this failure. That if I dared to say things were hard it would mean that I should be working instead. But that's not what it means. It just means that some days things are really hard and that's that. I'd still rather be here than working. That's for damn sure. 

Right now the Princess is taking her nap and SkyWalker is upstairs in his room having "quiet time" for the first time in AGES. We've been having lots of little squabbles and battles and I feel like I just repeat myself all day long and yell and get nowhere. Vader has worked late every day this week and may even go in on Saturday (because why would we want a 3 day weekend??) and it's been hard. I don't know how so many of my friends do it on a regular basis (have husbands who work late all the time or travel for work all the time). SkyWalker and I are clearly just not listening to each other. I'm going to enforce quiet time every day, even if it starts out with tears, because we need it. I need to believe I am in charge and when he's up my ass every single minute saying he needs someone to play with him or he needs someone to clean up with him, I can't get my head straight! I need to not feel guilty about not being able to do as much because of my big fat womb. I need to not overcompensate for Vader not being home. And SkyWalker needs to remember that he can be alone. He can play alone. He can entertain himself. He used to do it all the time and now if he doesn't have his beloved baby sister he's bugging me to drop everything and be with him. He's been upstairs in his room for an hour now. I hope, I really really hope, that he hasn't pulled his clothes out of the dresser or ripped the sheets off his bed or done something else equally annoying. I know I heard him playing with his legos and reading books. I hope he has taken advantage of this time to recharge. 

I still haven't done the lunch dishes. I have two loads of laundry to fold. The house is a complete mess and I'm pretty sure that I will have to hold his hand to get him to clean up the mess I've been telling him to clean up for 2 days. But I am sitting on the couch with my feet up and I am recharging and clearing my head so that I can say "Clean this up" ONCE and say it with authority and have it be done. I am enjoying the silence--mostly silence aside from Isaac's unbelievably loud breathing--and I am going to make the most of this time and do nothing but remember who I am. 

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Progress. Again.

Back in January I wrote this: I made three NY resolutions: a) To get up earlier in the morning instead of running up the stairs when I have to feed the Princess. b) To make a new friend(s) c) To not let myself turn into the bitter, angry, depressed person that I am becoming.

Two out of three isn't bad right? I just cannot get myself up in the morning. My alarm goes off at 6, I take my temperature and stay right where I am until SkyWalker comes down at 7. Each morning I think I could get up and have a cup of tea before I see my children and check my e-mail in peace and just be me. And each morning I am a lazy piece of crap who does not get out of bed. I will have to soon enough when SkyWalker is in preschool 3 days a week and I'll need to have myself dressed and ready before breakfast so I can concentrate on getting them dressed and ready. 

But I'm doing pretty damn well on the other two. It took me 7-8 months but I think I can officially say I have new friends now. And I have been much happier and much less angry and bitter. 

I also wrote this in January:

1. I will get up at 6 am every day. I will start the day on my own. With a cup of tea and some me-time. 

2. I will read books again. We will have family reading time. 

3. I will NOT do dishes or cleaning during any simultaneous nap time. I will do things that are fun and never get done. 

4. I will NOT stay home when I'm feeling so stressed out. Even if we just go to Target, or the library, I will change the scenery. And it doesn't matter if there are dirty dishes in the sink and I just started a load of laundry. 

5. I will NOT be a drama queen. I do not want my children to overreact and cry at everything, and I won't either. 

6. I will express myself. If I don't want my husband to go to work on a Sunday, I will say so instead of playing the passive-aggressive bitch and just whining when he gets home. 

7. I will tell my siblings (including sister-in-law) how much I love them. 

8. I. Will. Not. Waste. One. More. Single. Day.

1. As already discussed I have miserably failed at number 1. 

2. I'm reading again. Family reading time has kind of gone by the wayside since we're doing so many playdates. 

3. I don't get simultaneous naptime anymore since SkyWalker hasn't napped since January!

4. We've been doing pretty well with this too. We've actually been spending more time not at home than at home lately!

5. No more drama.

6. Mostly. I just can't let go of the passive-aggressive sarcasm. Sue me.

7. Did that.

8. I think so. This doesn't necessarily mean filling every day with activities, but just enjoying what we're doing, whether it be nothing or a playdate. 

Ironically as I am typing this my son is whining about wanting me to go downstairs in the office with him and my daughter is refusing to nap even though she's yawning and tired. This *could* be one of those times when I would get stressed and annoyed and unhappy. But we had a GREAT morning when our new friends came over for a spontaneous playdate. It was just what we needed and we had SUCH a good time that I am still at peace and not letting the whininess of my children overwhelm me. And there, the whininess is done so I'm off to play.

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This might be rambly

Feel free to get yourself a drink and pee first. Or you know, skip reading altogether. :-)

Things are going really well. 

It's amazing how a simple change in perspective can change things. But it's more than that. I think for a long time that I always had this picture in my head of what happiness was and how I had to get there. I always needed more. When Vader and I were first together I needed to get married in order to be happy. When we got married, I needed a house. When I got a house, I needed a dog (or two). When I got the dogs, I needed a baby. When I had one baby, I needed another. And so on and so forth. In addition to that I had this vision of my life's path--drinking a cup of tea while my kids and Shinesalot's kids played. I put all of my friendship eggs in that one basket. And when that was taken away from me I was pretty much devastated because my life's happiness depended on that. 

A new friend's signature is this quote : Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.  ~Abraham Lincoln

I think this is the key element. I always relied on outside events or other people to determine my happiness. And those things are not reliable. The only person I can truly rely on is myself. (Of course I can rely on my husband, but not to keep me happy.) I am the only person who can truly keep myself happy. And by happiness I don't mean the blissfully ideal happiness I once thought of... I mean a more realistic down-to-earth happiness. 

I've made a new friend and although she has some sadness in her life right now I think it's going wonderfully. And on Friday our neighbor-friend is bringing her kids to my bi-weekly big kid playdate. I have a close friendship with someone I never would have expected but we chat a lot (when my kids don't interfere and her job doesn't interfere). I have great co-workers. I'm trying to spread out my friendship eggs instead of concentrating them in just one person and I think it's working. I think I resisted making real friends out of some kind of loyalty to Shinesalot, that I would be betraying our friendship if I let myself be friends with other people. But I can't think like that anymore. Shinesalot will always be my best friend forever but I need local friends too. And not just local playdates but local *friends*. 

And since my life-changing attitude my luck is changing too. Of course it's not to my luck, just my perception of it, but whatever. The couch is being delivered on Thursday--the day we were scheduled to go to the beach with my meetup. I was afraid we'd miss it so I asked my new local friend if she wanted to go on Tuesday with just us. We met there and I brought my mother's helper and it was wonderful. SkyWalker had a great time without me. The Princess and the little jobber swam in the water and held hands occasionally and I talked to my friend and I let myself just be happy in the moment. It was a great day. And what's happened? Looks like it's going to thunderstorm all day on Thursday. We got our beach day in perfectly. And normally I would be upset about rain ruining my plans... but I could use the rain to fill up the pool and not drain my well dry! It's all how you look at things. 

Today I babysat a 2 1/2 year old for the first time. Trainboy has been mentioned here before... and SkyWalker did GREAT. He's so much better one on one. He played so nicely and talked to him and played WITH him. There were no arguments or awkward moments at all. It went really well and I think it helped us as much as his mom! 

The only thing not going well right now is the Princess is refusing to take a second nap. I think I'll have to get her up for snack and try again after. I've let her whine for quite a bit now and she's just not giving up. Despite her rubbing her eyes and being cranky. I will be glad when these molars are done! 

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Accountability

My sister called yesterday with some bad news... at first I thought it was going to be worse. She asked if my mom or my sister-in-law had called which made me think something had happened with my brother. Turns out my 23 year old cousin was found dead in his bed. They're doing an autopsy but he had been on medication and drinking and the two don't mix... his sister found him. Because my FIL is literally on his deathbed (any day now) we can't go down for the funeral or even just to be with the family. I'm still just in shock. When you have a kid yourself you look at death a little differently--he wasn't just my cousin. He was my Aunt and Uncle's Son. He was a brother. He was a Dad too--he had a 2 year old daughter her left behind. It is just so so horrible. 

I've been having a pretty shitty week, hell, it's been a shitty few months. I have been feeling the absence of my best friend very very strongly. With Vader at his parents or work all the time, and me having to take care of 2 kids and 2 dogs all by myself all day long I'm just getting to the breaking point. All I do is wash dishes. And laundry. SkyWalker hasn't been napping. The Princess had been napping great--unswaddled too--but is getting her first little tooth so she was up after only 30 minutes today. And if they don't nap together I get NO ME TIME. Days like this, weeks like this, and I'm ready to snap. I can't deal with things that I should be able to deal with. And in the past when it got like this I could always count on my best friend to be there to break the mood. To liven us up. The boys would run around and not be in my hair... and I could breathe for a second or two. But now I am alone and so it just festers and festers. 

But not anymore. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of being unhappy. I'm sick of complaining. I have 2 wonderful kids, one of which is a frickin' genius, and the other is just a joy (when she's not sprouting teeth). And I'm HOME with them. This is what I have wanted and longed for. I have wanted nothing else for the last 3 years. And I'm not even really enjoying it. Sure, right now all I'm doing is the damn dishes and it's amazing how much time that takes up. And I've been using paper plates at lunch time! And snack time! But it's still just so time-consuming. But besides the damn dishes now, I just haven't been enjoying it like I should because I keep feeling this loss of how it was supposed to be. Well, it's never going to be how it was supposed to be. I just don't want to waste any more time. 

So. I. Am. Done. 

Done complaining. Done being unhappy. Done. I am going to get ME back. And I'm writing this here, and not locking it, for some accountability. It's one thing to think it and another to publicize it. 

1. I will get up at 6 am every day. I will start the day on my own. With a cup of tea and some me-time. 

2. I will read books again. We will have family reading time. 

3. I will NOT do dishes or cleaning during any simultaneous nap time. I will do things that are fun and never get done. 

4. I will NOT stay home when I'm feeling so stressed out. Even if we just go to Target, or the library, I will change the scenery. And it doesn't matter if there are dirty dishes in the sink and I just started a load of laundry. 

5. I will NOT be a drama queen. I do not want my children to overreact and cry at everything, and I won't either. 

6. I will express myself. If I don't want my husband to go to work on a Sunday, I will say so instead of playing the passive-aggressive bitch and just whining when he gets home. 

7. I will tell my siblings (including sister-in-law) how much I love them. 

8. I. Will. Not. Waste. One. More. Single. Day.

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