Monday, April 5, 2010

Making it official

The past couple of years I have been reinventing myself or finding myself. Transitioning from being completely focused on work to being a working mom to "just" a mom. I've learned to rely on myself for happiness and to make things the way I want them to be instead of just waiting around for the good things to happen. I've lowered my expectations so that I'm not always needing things to be perfect and all my ducks in a row before I feel happy. But at the same time I've increased my plans for a fulfilling life. I've tried to not automatically say No, even when my gut is telling me I should. Starting the mom's group was HUGE for me. And it's worked out pretty well. I never would have done something like that a few years ago. But I went through with it and I'm glad I did. Sending that first e-mail to one of the moms and asking her to go steady be a friend not an acquaintance was BEYOND HUGE. But it worked out really *really* well. 

When my friends all started running and preparing for a 5k I really wanted to do it but I just couldn't. Except that, well, I could. So for the last couple of weeks I've been running three times a week following the directions of my happy runner friend and I've been doing more running than walking. I've upped my speed and shaved some minutes off my final time. I'll be running the 5k with them. Unless of course I forget to register.

My gut is telling me there is no way I can do this. 
  • I am afraid of being last. (as long as there is at least one person walking the whole way, I won't be last)
  • I am afraid all my friends will be faster and will leave me behind.
  • I am afraid I will get lost (there will be thousands of women, I'm sure I can find my way)
  • I am afraid I will have a panic attack because there will be THOUSANDS of women. 
But I'm doing it. Much like that movie (Yes Man), I need to just say yes instead of always saying no. 

I have yet to run outside with the group because of scheduling conflicts. And I don't really want to run outside by myself because I'm afraid I'll run too fast and burn out or too slow. So I bought the Nike+ for my iPod to encourage me to run outside. I really don't *want* to which is why I really *need* to. 

After I ran today I jumped in the shower. The Princess witnessed it since she refused to take a nap. As I was getting in the shower she said "When I get bigger & bigger I'm going to run and take a shower!". Which is much better than "When I get bigger I'm going to sit on the couch and facebook all day." don't you think?

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little white whale said...

I can really, really relate to the transitioning/ reinventing yourself part. I've almost been a SAHM for a year and it's taken me all of this time to find my niche. I'm still working on finding it, truthfully. I want a life of my own, but I want to stay home. Back and forth and back and forth. There's just so much I want to do. Not that my kids are holding me back (and I do want more kids), but you know how it goes. My world got a whole lot smaller when I quit working--and I like what you said about relying on yourself to find happiness. That is so true. Often when you're "just" a mama, the only one to pat you on the back is yourself. Or your husband if he remembers. But generally he needs reminders, so that's just another job for you :) Good luck with your running!

Bee said...

you give me hope that i will find my groove sooner rather than later if i just try hard enough to be honest with myself... thank you!

bookishbiker said...

that's SUCH a great story. I love the example you're setting for your kids, but of course it's most important that you're doing this for yourself. Pushing yourself to do the hard-for-you things (the moms group, making a new friend, now running IN PUBLIC) builds character. Even if you DO run slow, get left behind, and get lost, you're doing something hard and scary and will finish it. And the next time will be SO much easier. Be prepared for pre-event/starting line jitters - they're totally normal and you'll run through them. Whenever I did bike events I'd be on edge the night before, and I find finish lines quite emotional!

Felice said...

Go, go, go! I'm so happy you're doing this! It is going to be hard but fun, scary but fulfilling. It will be worth everything you put into it over the next two months. Believe me!!!