Sunday, September 5, 2010

Transitions

Last week I was not ready for school to begin. I was not ready for the end of summer, of our summer fun, of the routine we had established. I'm still not ready for the end of summer. I know lots of people are doing cartwheels because today was in the low 70s and a "fall day" but I think I should have taken an extra Vitamin D. I don't embrace the fall like others do. I tolerate it because it's not winter, but summer has always been my favorite. I need to feel the sun, to see it, to soak it in. This is the first summer that I actually have a tan, not because I was laying on the beach and tanning myself, but because we were out and about. Sure, I used sunscreen and I don't want to get skin cancer but I am proud of my tan. It is proof that I was outside more than I was inside. That I did what I set out to do. I am happy that I had a good summer and I'm still not ready for summer to end.

But. I think I am ready for school to begin. Vader left on Friday for a wedding in California. I couldn't believe what rotten timing it was--he's not getting back until wicked late Monday night. School starts wicked early Tuesday morning. But maybe, just maybe, it has worked out the way it needed to be. Because after all of this time without Vader, all of this time with just us, I think I am ready for SkyWalker to go back to school and he may be ready to go back too. We've had lots of fun moments--I took them all to a local county fair yesterday--but there have been a lot of arguments and fighting and raised voices. I think we're ready for a break from each other and we really weren't ready for it last week. It's somewhat hard for me to think let alone say. I was that mom who when sick would keep her son home from daycare, instead of leaving him at daycare so I could rest. I couldn't bear the thought of him being somewhere else if I wasn't at work. It wasn't until I was on work bedrest with the Princess that I ever left him in daycare when I was at home. So it's hard for me to say--even though lots of others have said it--that it's time for him to go. Now, I know I'm only sending him to first grade, not to the Hunger Games, but still.

The Princess has been less of a problem. I think her recent tantrums are actually a product of the stress between SkyWalker and me, and knowing that she's going to be starting preschool on Tuesday. She talks about it and knows that I am dropping her off and leaving and she smiles and proudly says "There's my preschool" when we drive by. But when we went to the playdate there on Wednesday she was quiet and shy and withdrawn. It was frustrating when SkyWalker did it because I hadn't experienced it yet. It's just sad when I see it in the Princess because I know what's she's capable of. I see her play with her brother, I see her lively and vivacious and animated. And when he's not with her she is just not herself. I'm glad that she draws strength from him, but it makes me so sad too that she doesn't get that strength from herself. I know that the first couple of months of preschool will be hard. I know right now that she will cry when I leave and that I will have to just keep leaving. But I hope that since I am starting her at 3, that she will open up quicker than her brother did when I started him at 4. He was fine going to kindergarten and he's a completely different kid now. I know it will all be worth it in the end.

The only one who hasn't been giving me trouble is the one I call trouble maker. Chewie had been cranky and frustrated. She screamed at me whenever she wanted anything. The last time we were at the library I opened up a parenting book on babies and talking and flipped to the 15 month old page. I almost took it home but then decided that I didn't need to read a book telling me that my baby was already failing because she wasn't doing ANYTHING she was supposed to be doing. And then just in the last week--the hardest week with the older 2--she has found her groove. She's walking a lot. She's laughing a lot. She's babbling and making sounds. She's not saying recognizable words or trying to repeat anything, but she's making sounds that sound like words. She said Mama and Dada and Nana a while ago, but she would never repeat anything and she wouldn't really use them appropriately. She seems so much happier this week and is much more talkative and much less screaming. Although she does shriek with glee which is almost as bad. I think she will benefit from having some one on one time with Mama.

I have not run outside since the last race. I've run on the treadmill, but it's just not the same. I should actually be running today, but my ankle is a bit sore and I'm just not in the mood for another treadmill run. I ran 5.5 miles last week and the treadmill told me it was 4 something. I know that the Nike+ is not the most accurate and that it will measure somewhat differently on the treadmill than on the road. But that's a big difference. And I FEEL the difference too. I was running at 5.0 which should have been a 12 minute pace. Slow. And it did not feel slow. I'm going to Fleet Feet on Friday to have my running analyzed so I can get a recommendation for the right sneaker. I'm looking forward to running on the treadmill there and comparing it with my Nike+. I want to see how it feels too, to see if my suspicions are confirmed or not. I am secretly terrified that it will feel exactly the same and that my treadmill is accurate and my Nike+ is not and that I haven't been running as much and I'm just a big fraud. I try to always do my long runs outside where I know that it's accurate, but that requires a present husband. If the treadmill at Fleet Feet feels differently I'm going to have to call the treadmill company and see what's going on. I finally found the manual and the lube, so maybe I just have to do some maintenance on it. Or maybe the craft paint the children spilled on it has screwed it up somehow.

It feels somewhat odd blogging like this here at blogger. I've been with blogger since Jan of 2004, but never personally. I always liked the ease with which I could check out the neighborhood on vox. It's not quite the same when you're reading it through google reader. But, I have to say, I'm liking that the feedjit widget is working. I've always had that on my book blog, but it never worked in vox. Now I can see where all you people are coming from. So who the hell is reading me from Kings Park?? And all of you people keep coming back but I only have one follower??! (Thanks Gina!)

The dogs are doing their nightly "Why isn't Daddy home yet?" barking. 26 more hours.

2 comments:

Bridget said...

Teach me! What is the feed it widget????

GoddessLibrarian said...

Go to this page: http://feedjit.com/freeLiveTrafficFeed/ and sign up for free. I think it might even have directions on how to get it onto your blogger page.

It only shows you people who click directly onto your site. So, for example, I subscribe to your blog through google reader and only need to go to your page if I leave a comment. So you wouldn't see me listed there, unless I had gone directly to your page. It's still pretty cool to see where people are coming from.