Wednesday, March 14, 2012


There was a time with each of my kids when I realized how utterly in love I was with them and that it was time to have the next one. With SkyWalker and the Princess it was around 18 months old. Not that I don't love them all the time, but there was something about that age with the both of them, that it's just *more*. It was a good signal to me that it was time to start trying for the next, particularly with SkyWalker, because I didn't want that love to start to be smothering. I had been waiting for it to happen with Chewie at the same time and waiting and waiting. And it really didn't. We started trying for the next anyway but I wondered if I had just been split in so many ways already if I wouldn't have that same all encompassing love for Chewie that I did with the other two (this sounds so wrong, like I don't love her or the others all the time. I do, obviously I do, but this is just on a different level.). But the last couple of months it's been there and I realized it had nothing to do with age at all, but with communication. The other two started talking a lot sooner (even SkyWalker) than Chewie. It's taken her a while but she's finally caught up. Sure, you won't understand her and she'll need speech class too, but I understand her and that's what counts. We talk to each other now, and more importantly, she's funny! She's intentionally funny and her personality is just shining now in ways that it couldn't before because she was too busy being angry and screaming. Every single thing she does cracks me up. Everything she says. The way she says "Good job Mommy!" when I flip on a light switch. I am completely and totally in love with her and spend a large part of my day just drinking in her essence. I am glad that it finally happened, and it's good timing since I'm halfway to Quattro's arrival.

The Princess gets older and older. Ready for kindergarten. I was ready for her to go months ago, but I can see it's going to be much harder on me than I thought. She's become so helpful. I could not have survived the early weeks of pregnancy without her. Honestly and truly. Not only did she help take care of Chewie--making her breakfast and lunch and wiping her butt on the potty and brushing her teeth and just caring for her--she helped ME. She cuddled with me and told me that I wouldn't be throwing up forever and that it would be better soon. She supported me, emotionally, in ways that 4 years old usually just don't. She was amazing. Now that I'm feeling better when she's mad at having to clean up or do something she's fond of saying "When this baby comes you're doing everything by yourself!" But, for the most part she's still pretty good. She has tantrums here and there, but nothing like before. She has embraced the big sister role and can't wait for this new baby. Chewie has totally latched on to her and I think it will be hard when she's in school all day. But Chewie will be in preschool twice a week and hopefully she will be distracted by being a big sister herself.

SkyWalker is getting old and moody. He waffles between yelling about having to do "everything" when I ask him to do his laundry and then volunteering to cut the broccoli for dinner (that he won't eat) because he's "ready to help you Mommy." He plays with his sisters but not as much as he used to... demanding his alone time and needing silence to do his homework. He's doing well in school but it's clear he'd rather be home. Can't say I blame him. I like being home too. He's so mature about some things and then still very obviously a little kid about others. When I was wondering out loud how we were going to do 4 showers at bedtime in a few years, I realized that he and the Princess probably wouldn't be going to bed at 8 anymore (sigh) so we'd have the younger two go first and get to bed and then the older two. He replied yeah, the Princess should be able to stay up a little later, like to 8:10. Which was so funny, particularly since I can hear him turning pages until well past 10 pm.

Poor little Haze is still limping and confined to the leash. We've had her crated a lot as well, but it doesn't look like her leg is healing on its own. I am torn. I don't want her to have surgery. I cannot deal with it if something goes wrong. I cannot lose her now. But I don't want her to be limping forever. BUT, she doesn't seem to be in any pain. A large part of me wants to just let her go and run and enjoy her life and if her torn ACL starts to cause her real pain then we can go ahead with the surgery. Isaac's death completely took us by surprise. I hate thinking that we're depriving Haze of a quality life because we're worried about her leg. What if we only have a couple of years left with her? This is the cloud in the sky now. The last time Vader and I discussed it he vehemently disagreed about just letting her run. Aren't there tons of dogs that get by with just 3 legs?

I've run a bit here and there, some good some bad. I wore a one-piece bathing suit under my running clothes when I went out on Sunday and it really helped support my growing belly, which helped the back pain. I plan on trying it on the treadmill today. I fantasize about running a half after this baby is born... but first I need to get back to being able to run a 5K. The entire world is training for either a half or a full marathon right now and I am slowly eeking my way through 2 miles. But in 5 1/2 years I will be able to run whenever I want to between the hours of 7 and 2:45 because all of my children will be in school. Maybe I'll even run a marathon.


Librarian Amy said...

Maybe I'll even run a marathon.

Hell yeah you will!

Shinesalot said...

Damn straight you will! I'll be there with bells on...CHEERING. Don't get any ideas. Ain't no way I'm running that with ya! But I'll keep an eye on your kiddos.