Accountability

My sister called yesterday with some bad news... at first I thought it was going to be worse. She asked if my mom or my sister-in-law had called which made me think something had happened with my brother. Turns out my 23 year old cousin was found dead in his bed. They're doing an autopsy but he had been on medication and drinking and the two don't mix... his sister found him. Because my FIL is literally on his deathbed (any day now) we can't go down for the funeral or even just to be with the family. I'm still just in shock. When you have a kid yourself you look at death a little differently--he wasn't just my cousin. He was my Aunt and Uncle's Son. He was a brother. He was a Dad too--he had a 2 year old daughter her left behind. It is just so so horrible. 

I've been having a pretty shitty week, hell, it's been a shitty few months. I have been feeling the absence of my best friend very very strongly. With Vader at his parents or work all the time, and me having to take care of 2 kids and 2 dogs all by myself all day long I'm just getting to the breaking point. All I do is wash dishes. And laundry. SkyWalker hasn't been napping. The Princess had been napping great--unswaddled too--but is getting her first little tooth so she was up after only 30 minutes today. And if they don't nap together I get NO ME TIME. Days like this, weeks like this, and I'm ready to snap. I can't deal with things that I should be able to deal with. And in the past when it got like this I could always count on my best friend to be there to break the mood. To liven us up. The boys would run around and not be in my hair... and I could breathe for a second or two. But now I am alone and so it just festers and festers. 

But not anymore. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of being unhappy. I'm sick of complaining. I have 2 wonderful kids, one of which is a frickin' genius, and the other is just a joy (when she's not sprouting teeth). And I'm HOME with them. This is what I have wanted and longed for. I have wanted nothing else for the last 3 years. And I'm not even really enjoying it. Sure, right now all I'm doing is the damn dishes and it's amazing how much time that takes up. And I've been using paper plates at lunch time! And snack time! But it's still just so time-consuming. But besides the damn dishes now, I just haven't been enjoying it like I should because I keep feeling this loss of how it was supposed to be. Well, it's never going to be how it was supposed to be. I just don't want to waste any more time. 

So. I. Am. Done. 

Done complaining. Done being unhappy. Done. I am going to get ME back. And I'm writing this here, and not locking it, for some accountability. It's one thing to think it and another to publicize it. 

1. I will get up at 6 am every day. I will start the day on my own. With a cup of tea and some me-time. 

2. I will read books again. We will have family reading time. 

3. I will NOT do dishes or cleaning during any simultaneous nap time. I will do things that are fun and never get done. 

4. I will NOT stay home when I'm feeling so stressed out. Even if we just go to Target, or the library, I will change the scenery. And it doesn't matter if there are dirty dishes in the sink and I just started a load of laundry. 

5. I will NOT be a drama queen. I do not want my children to overreact and cry at everything, and I won't either. 

6. I will express myself. If I don't want my husband to go to work on a Sunday, I will say so instead of playing the passive-aggressive bitch and just whining when he gets home. 

7. I will tell my siblings (including sister-in-law) how much I love them. 

8. I. Will. Not. Waste. One. More. Single. Day.

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