Tuesday, April 14, 2009


I had a wonderful playdate this morning so this hopefully won't be as depressing as it would have been had I written it last night when I wanted to. 

I'm sure that most of this is hormones and the craziness that overwhelms me when I am pregnant. I don't ask my husband to get me sandwiches in the middle of the night, I don't really get "crazy" but I do get emotional. And it builds and builds and I cry in the shower until I explode. I know, it doesn't sound much different from non-pregnant me, but it is. It's much much worse. 

Anyway, lately I've been feeling very alone and isolated. And all I've been thinking about is everything I don't have. It always gets worse after I see my family. I see how much my kids love my siblings and it kills me that we see them so infrequently. And that it will be even less once they start having their own families. SkyWalker is old enough now to really miss them and to tell me so. None of us are really big travelers, so even though it's not *that* far away, it's far enough to be a pain in the ass. It's impossible to have a spontaneous visit. Babysitting is completely impossible. 

I hope I remember to lock this. 

Yesterday my brother told SkyWalker that he was going to have a cousin and he said "Liam is my cousin. But he moved to Texas and now somebody else lives in his house." Which brings me to my next lament. And I apologize Shinesalot because I know you don't need this now either... 

Being so far away from my family was okay before... it was acceptable... because I had my own created family here. And now she is gone. And I think about how she's holding other people's babies and not mine. And when will I ever meet her new little one? And my heart just breaks a little more each day. 

And what bothers me more than anything about all of this is that I feel like I've given up so much but I've gotten nothing in return. I love my house. I love this area. That's about it. What do I have? I have a MIL that is "so nice" to the rest of the world and is constantly under my skin. That is our entire family up here. No siblings, no cousins, no extended family. NOBODY. And when his mother goes we will truly be on our own. And my husband? I love him dearly and clearly I keep having babies with him, but he spends more time with his precious trees than he does with us. And I'm not even talking about mowing the huge lawn. He just bought 70, yes, 70 trees. He's been out planning where he's going to put his trees (including Easter morning). Next weekend he will pick them up and then he will be planting them. And these are not TREES, these are little friggin' sticks that he will have to take care of. He claims that this will help us because he is filling in all the gaps so that he doesn't have to mow the lawn. When are these trees going to grow?? It's going to take 30 years! The trees that he planted in October all DIED. If he really wants to save some friggin' time with the lawn, then spend the money and buy 4-foot trees or get a lawn service. Don't tell me that planting sticks in the ground is going to "save" us time, because it's not. Not any time soon when we need the time. I really hope that his trees sprout legs and visit him when he is old. 

The Princess is turning 2 next month and I don't think I have the energy to have a party for her. I can't think about themes and favors and crap like that. I don't think anyone in my family can come up. And the idea of doing something with just my MIL makes me so friggin' sad I just want to cry. When SkyWalker turned 2 we didn't have a big party, we had my in-laws (there were 2 of them then) and Shinesalot and Littleman and that was fine. But we don't have Shinesalot and Littleman anymore. 

And I cry over things that I cannot control. I cannot control the fact that my husband has no siblings. I cannot control where my best friend buys a house. I'm not willing to move, even if I could convince my husband to move away from his mother, so I really can't control how far away I am from my family either. 

I *have* made some friends so I am not completely alone. And I've made friends that I trust to watch my children which is different from people you'd just meet at a playground. I like that I have more than one friend now and that I have a circle...  but what I really need is a family. And they all have their own. Maybe I'll be like my husband and just keep having babies now in the hopes that I'll have what I want in 30 years. 

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Shinesalot said...

Man oh man. I feel your pain, you know I do. It's exactly the same here...well, very similar. Son tied to his mother...wishing I could hold my best friend's baby (babies, in your case)...missing family in the most painful way...a little boy who is old enough to miss EVERYONE - especially his first best buddy...and hormones to make it all seem so so awful.

Jen said...

Believe me Jen, I know what you are going through... I don't have ANY family here... not even a MIL... but my friends that I have made in the last two years are my family. They have become my family that I have let myself create, that is the key. As far as the husband is concerned... you have to voice your thoughts over how his actions make you feel. If it doesn't work then you might have to just suck it up, and take him for what he's worth. If you don't like the situation, then change it. If you can't do that then surround yourself with your "family". They will always get you through anything!

Bee said...

Not that I am trying to downplay your hurt, but just imagine, if you will, that your family was nearby and still made no effort to see you -- even if you constantly invited them over, and even after you had major surgery... Not like I would know anyone like that or anything... I'm just sayin'... ::pouts:: I firmly believe that we all have to have some really shitty things in our lives to help us appreciate the amazingly wonderful stuff (like our kids)... I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with all of this, and I hope you know that I am here for you if you need anything...