Monday, April 20, 2009

Neither divorced nor in jail

Or naked. 

And for those of you not on facebook who have no idea what I'm talking about... sucks to be you!

So after my last locked post I had a lot of time to think and some good friends give me advice. I feel a bit better now--I always feel better when I have plans. I think I'm going to have to A) open myself up a bit more to my friends and make more of a family here and B) suck it up and visit my family more. 

As far as my husband goes.... I have to just accept the fact that he will always have his projects and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't say I knew it when I married him because we didn't have a house, let alone one with almost 6 acres of land. As much as it bugs me I have not said ANYTHING complaining to him about the 80 (yes, it's actually 80 now) trees. And at least he's had SkyWalker outside with him a lot. Right now they are both outside working on it. He has one more day off of work and hoping to be done today. 

The problem is that he spends all of this time doing this stuff on the weekend--our only time with him--and the rest of the time his mother is over! Every single weekend. Unless *she* has plans in which case it is okay to miss. The other night I told Vader that I want to take one weekend a month and do a family fun activity--going to a playground or a park or even a walk in our yard--without his mother. He thought it was a great idea and I couldn't believe I had been expecting a big thing. A few hours later I said "Did you understand when I said without your mother I meant we don't see your mother for the entire weekend? Not for lunch or dinner? One whole weekend without her?". He did not. And everything changed. He never actually said whether he would agree to it or not. So that's where we are now. I told him last night that we would have to have a discussion about our conversation and come to an agreement, but that I understood that he was exhausted from the trees so I wouldn't badger him until that's over. 

I had to tell my family that we couldn't go to my sister's 30th birthday dinner because he needed to plant trees but he can't tell his mother that ONE weekend a month we won't see her? (I wonder if she wasn't in Texas right now would he have told her that he was too busy with the trees, or would she still have come over for lunch. I would bet that she would still come over for lunch and then he would go outside and continue working and leave me alone with her.) Let alone that she often does her church business when SkyWalker is in preschool so she manages to see him during the damn week too. Argh. I think every weekend is too much but it's never mattered what I thought. Ever. I would prefer every other week (hell I'd prefer once a month) but I didn't push it, I just asked for ONE weekend a month. If he seriously can't agree to it I'm going to tell him that I'm going to need to go to some kind of counseling then so I don't wind up hating him in 30 years for feeling like I am second in his life and that her feelings/wishes are more important than mine. Because if that's what it comes down to, I really do think I'm going to need counseling to deal with that. 

And I know that sounds so hypocritical... complaining about lack of family and yet not wanting to see her every weekend. But this woman has invaded my privacy and pushed my buttons for so long now that it's just more work to see her, it's not pleasant for me. There is a whole history here that I can't possibly go into. 

So even though I'm not quite sure where I stand with my husband, I do feel better. I'm not just bitching and moaning. I'm trying to fix this situation. 

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1 comment:

ayanna said...

Hugs. I have a theory that being pregnant pushes all of our buttons when it comes to family. We become protective and needy, and the last thing we need is a mother or mother-in-law all up in our grill, or a spouse who doesn't appreciate time spent with you.I am glad that you are trying to work things out, and I hope things go well. Thinking of you...