Friday, July 6, 2007

One lonely beastie I be

all by myself without nobody.


We've been listening to the Beastie Boys a lot. SkyWalker has taken quite a liking to them. :-)

I am 32 today. My best friend is in New Jersey right now. I will probably never spend another birthday with her. I called  my sister last week and practically begged her to come up and make me a cake. I don't really care about the cake, I'm just feeling alone. She was at my brother's when I called her. Having a BBQ with him and my SIL and she had her boyfriend there. I tried to guilt her and my SIL into coming. I think my sister is coming next week, but my birthday is today. Anyway, when I hung up the phone I cried. For the first time in my life I think I'd get along with my siblings, I think I'd enjoy a BBQ at my brother's house that I have never seen, and I am not there. I am so far away. It used to not matter *that* much because I made my own family here. And now my family is going to frickin' Texas.

I cried in front of my child. Two days in a row. And it wasn't really because he refused to nap and she refused to stay asleep for me to shower. It's not a coincidence that I managed to keep it together in front of him until I found out that BF was moving to Texas. There goes my support system.

I have alternated between wanting to vomit and wanting to cry for nearly a week now. We're not just talking about a friend moving away. She is as much my "soulmate" as my husband is and for the first time in my life I had a friend I truly felt comfortable with and belonged with. And I'll never have that again and you just can't get that on the phone.

And maybe I shouldn't. Maybe it's better to have a bunch of acquaintances and not have any real close relationships. Maybe it's better to just always be alone then to be really close with someone and have it all taken away. To be so emotionally invested in one person that all other friendships pale in comparison. Maybe that's not good. Maybe you're not supposed to  have a best friend. Maybe *I'm* not supposed to have a best friend.

The Princess is making her elephant noises and I'm ignoring her but I think my time is limited.

Here's just a random--donkeys are loud. Two donkeys are louder. SIX donkeys are unfriggenbelieveably loud and obnoxious. If you think having donkeys is cute and fun. Don't.

I'd better attend to The Princess before SkyWalker decides now is a good time to get up.

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Bee said...

Awww... I am sorry, sweetie... I wish there was something I could do, but I know I can never replace your BF or mend your broken heart... I could bake you a cake (or just bring a huge section of the leftovers we have at the library!)... Try to have a happy birthday... Or, at least, not to cry or puke today...

hamikka said...

Aw BF and I have lived in different states and different countries many times over the past few years, but our friendship remains solid. It's gonna be ok.many hugs...

CombingToes said...

I'm sorry your BF is moving, it royally sucks I know exactly how you feel because my BF moved from Texas to NY 4 years ago and it was very depressing. :(I hope the cake from your sisters cheers you up at least a little.

bookishbiker said...

I'm sorry. sounds like you're having a rough time. My bf has lived far far away from me for the last 8 years and we still stay close, and things are as they were whenever we get together. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be upset, just try to have a little glimmer of hope.