Monday, December 10, 2007


What do you call it when an agnostic/atheist starts doubting her beliefs? Would that still be a crisis of faith? ;-)

I made my communion and went to religion for as long as I was forced to (not long) but I was never a "true believer" and have been agnostic for as long as I can really remember. But now... I find myself needing something more. Perhaps it's being a mother, perhaps it's my husband losing his father and not knowing what to say to my son. Perhaps it's just getting older and realizing my own mortality. In any event, when I lay awake at night unable to sleep because I am having yet another panic episode in which I realize that I will one day die and I am so terrified that I will die in my sleep that I just don't let myself fall asleep, I would really like to be able to believe in *something*.

I know I don't believe in any man-made church and I don't believe in religion and its rules. But maybe I don't have to. Maybe I can believe in some higher power, something responsible for all of us, who will accept everyone with open arms, regardless of religion or faith. Something greater than we are. *Something*.  

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bookishbiker said...

I'm lapsed as well, but I have some sort of vague belief in the Universe. It certainly seems like putting things out there can bring results - the day after I articulated that I wanted a challenging, stable job and a short commute, I heard about this job that I now have. (I also said I wanted a life partner, but so far, no dice.)
I've always thought dying in my sleep would be pretty ideal. Of course I want it to be when I'm at least 87. It's preferable to my alternate scenario of being a spinster who drops dead in the produce section of the grocery store!

Shinesalot said...

I believe in that something...I also believe in a certain level of magic on this planet...but maybe it's all coming from the same place...

readingjag said...

this happened to me too. it's weird. letting myself believe in some sort of higher power has been one of the hardest things i've done.