New beginning

Whenever I start my new life it's usually on a Monday and never works out, so I figured I'd mix it up a bit and start on a Thursday.

Some crap is going to happen in the next month or 2. The Princess will be having surgery. The best friend will be moving thousands of miles away and I'll bet it will be before the surgery. I am NOT going to let this get me down. If I want my children to grow up happy and well adjusted I need to be a good role model. I'm not saying that I want them sheltered or that it's better to be in denial about things... but I need to be more positive. I am the happiest I have ever been being at home with them. I am where I belong. I kick ass. SkyWalker loves learning and we do the letter of the week and we're having a great time and not just watching TV. The Princess is happy and content. I am doing a good job as a mom and I'm going to stop pretending I'm not. It sucks that the Princess will be having surgery, but it's good that we're getting this done now. I don't want her on amoxicillin for the rest of her life! It sucks that my best friend is moving. I don't believe that she's coming back even if that's what they're saying now. And that sucks. But it's not the end of the world. We'll survive. Our friendship will survive. I will survive. SkyWalker will survive. There are worse things in life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and is my everything. I have the family I've always wanted and needed. I have a good life. And goddamnit I'm going to be happy about it.

And if I don't get up at 5:30 tomorrow morning and exercise who cares?! I am going to stop beating myself up. I am a mom with 2 young kids and 2 dogs, one of whom is still recovering from surgery. I'm doing pretty damn good. I'm only going up from here.

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I can't think of a catchy title

We had the Princess's 2nd ultrasound today (luckily just an ultrasound and not VCUG). The kidney dilation is still there. Looks like her 2nd ureter on the right side is not going into the bladder where it should be (well, duh, it's not even supposed to be there!). To confirm this they will send some type of scope up her hoo-ha to get an image of things. They're pretty sure they're right. So they'll cut her open and fix it. They'll take the bad ureter and attach it to the good one and then she should be okay for the rest of her life. We'll be able to stop the damn amoxicillin (that I have to refill tonight damnit) as soon as she recovers from surgery.

It hasn't completely sunk in that once again one of my babies will be having surgery. SkyWalker was 6 months old when he had his hypospadius surgery. The Princess is only 4 months old and it should be done before she's 6 months. Luckily she is so big and healthy and thriving and she can afford to lose a pound if it comes to that. But it still just sucks. I think one of the worst things any parent can hear is that her child needs surgery. There are certainly worse things, and worse surgeries, but she is still my baby.

They'll call us to schedule the scope procedure and the surgery. Should be in the next month or 2. Hopefully it will be in October and not interfere with Thanksgiving when we go to Long Island. I think he said it'll be an overnight. She'll have a catheter just like SkyWalker did. Sigh. I am hoping that the timing is such that I don't need to take off work but the Princess is very much a Mama's girl... she may just need Mama (and Mama's boobs) to feel better afterwards.

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Sigh

This is my first weekend at work.

Besides the fact that I no longer actually enjoy working or care at all, this is also the first day that I will be away from the Princess for more than a couple of hours. It will be 8 1/2 hours by the time I get home (and she will hopefully be napping when I do get home). I'm not quite sure how I am still breathing.

It did not help that she was up TWICE last night. She's been up since she got her shots. I hope it hasn't turned into a habit. I am *so* tired.

It's only 9:30.

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Good News

Just got a call from my MIL. FIL has a bladder infection. They're sending him home with some antibiotics. I guess it's common when you're on narcotics. This has been handled so wrong from the very get-go and I don't know who's at fault. They should have told him the warning signs so he could get seen right away. He should  have been seen by a doctor at the hospital right away. And his own urologist didn't even see him until today! Didn't know he was there! He should have been the first one called. I don't know if my FIL didn't give all the information right away or if the hospital just didn't process it right away but it seems like a lot of balls were dropped. In any event, he's being released and I really didn't think that was going to happen. 

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There's always something

Right? There's just always something.

FIL is still in the hospital. He wasn't eating and was getting sick, which is common with chemotherapy, but it was really bad. After being in the hospital for over 24 hours they finally talked to a doctor. They thought his bowels were obstructed, but after talking to him more they decided to check his bladder (the new one). They put a catheter in and it was totally full. He wasn't emptying it... that *might* be why he didn't want to eat. Now they have to figure out what's wrong with his new bladder. And if that's even what's causing this latest setback. Cancer is a bitch.

SkyWalker is using his new laptop right next to me. It's very cute but I wish the volume didn't chirp.

Yesterday I took both kids to the local firehouse so I could vote in a very important primary. They wouldn't let me vote! Apparently when you switch parties it doesn't take effect until after a national election. What the hell??? So I registered as a republican for no reason, I had to drag the kids out for no reason, I had to drag Haze into the house so I could leave FOR NO REASON! Argh. When we got home I only had an hour before we had to leave for the doctor. The Princess had fallen asleep and miraculously stayed asleep in the garage (she does not sleep outside the home), so I left the kids in the car, ran in the house, got SkyWalker's school bag (with his extra underwear) threw some books in there, and we left again. SkyWalker fell asleep on our way to Burger King. I went through the drivethru and headed to the pediatrician for the Princess's 4 month check up. As soon as we got there she woke up. At least she got 45 minutes to sleep. SkyWalker was still sleeping so I scarfed down my burger. He woke up, ate most of his chicken nuggets and we headed in to the doc. (for those who care, the Princess is now 14 lbs, 4 oz, 24 5/8 inches). Everything went fine. Finally got home at 4 pm and my wonderfully understanding boss (thanks The Nice Librarian) had left a message on the machine telling me to just stay home (we weren't sure if Vader was going to make it home from the hospital in time and it turns out that because he was able to stay later he could actually hear what the doctor said, so it was really good that I was home). It was a hell of a day.

The Princess slept like crap last night and now has a fever from those damn shots. SkyWalker was adamant that we not go to gymnastics again, and since the Princess needed her sleep I decided to just drop out, I was glad I did when I woke her up and she had a fever and screamed for 30 minutes before I got her to nurse. I feel a little bad about giving up on gymnastics after only one time, but SkyWalker was very insistent that he did NOT LIKE GYMNASTICS and he kept saying he likes soccer and wants to go there. So we'll have storytime on Tuesdays and soccer on Thursdays and the Princess (and Mama) will get to recover at home on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. If he didn't have soccer, or was saying the same thing about soccer I would still bring him to gymnastics. But because he so strongly stated that he liked one and not the other I don't think this is just a "I want to stay home" ploy.

Oh yeah, I read in the paper that the very important primary was decided by only 6 votes (and not in the way I wanted it)!!! Damnit! I wonder if anyone else was turned away for the same reason. I'm sure if anyone did change parties to vote, it would have been for the same reason I did it and our guy might have won if we could have voted!

Damn local politics.

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Little good, little bad

Today is SkyWalker's 3rd birthday. It's been a wonderful day. Lots of fun and Denny's, can't beat that. :-) He had a great birthday party on Saturday and I had 4 boys going down the slide head-first. I am so glad we got that playset this summer and didn't wait! He did so much better at soccer last week than he did at gymnastics and when we went to storytime at the library he got into it and danced with a teddy bear on his head. So good times.

FIL is in the emergency room today. He hasn't been eating and has been in pain. Not good when you have cancer. We haven't heard anything yet. I feel so bad for my husband... only child... he has no one else to really share this with.

Break time is over. I swear the Princess just said "Hello". Maybe it was "eeooowww." Hmmm. Anyway, there is fussiness now.

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Second chances

Yesterday we went to gymnastics. I envisioned young SkyWalker going off and climbing on equipment instead of my head and having a grand time and me being able to feed the Princess in peace.

That did not happen.

SkyWalker went out to the gym floor, sat while the other kids did their stretches and followed directions and he did NOTHING. He wasn't bad or misbehaving. He just did NOTHING. The worst part was the look on his face. I will never ever forget it. He had a look of horror and sadness and fear and loneliness and it broke my heart. I left the Princess with another mom who also had a 4 month old with her and was a kind soul, and I ran out there and he said he had to pee so I took him to the bathroom but he didn't really have to pee. He was just looking for excuses to get the hell out of there. He asked, pleaded, to go sit on the chairs in the waiting area and then to just go home. I wouldn't let him even though it would have been so easy for me to go home. I woke the Princess up early from her nap, potentially screwing up her entire day, just so he could do this. I made us stay hoping he would warm up. He did not.

It wasn't until late last night when I was in the shower and finally broke down and cried that I realized why it bothered me so so much. I recognized myself in his face. I hate being in large groups. I hate being in the middle of things when I don't know anybody. I hate talking to strangers and meeting people and trying to make friends. I am always essentially alone. And in that look, that look of horror and fear, I saw myself. And it just killed me. I've done this to him. I've made him this way with my genes and my prefer to be home attitude. He was fine in daycare 4 months ago and I have ruined him.

I feel slightly better today thanks to the help of some very wonderful online friends (but see--*online* friends). We're going to give gymnastics another try. Maybe even a few weeks. See how it goes. Today is soccer and hopefully kicking the ball will be enough of a lure to break through his shyness and maybe if he does good today he'll be better at gymnastics next week (gymnastics is closer to him and there might be kids he'd go to school with so I really don't want to just give it up).

I know that all kids go through shy periods and that we've never done anything like this before and all of the other logical ways to look at this. I know it all logically. But emotionally... and right now as my best friend and SkyWalker's best friend prepare to move to the other side of the country this just hit me really really hard. I see how SkyWalker is with him. He's happy and playful and outgoing and fun. All I can do is try to break the curse and keep taking SkyWalker to these things with groups of kids and hope he does better than his mother.

I mean, how can you not be friends with a kid who looks at you over breakfast and says "My try to fart now." and follows it up with "My fart a little bit."

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Mishmash

The Princess rolled over last Thursday and SkyWalker and I were there to witness it. This is why I am home. :-)

I am tired as usual, and more tired because I am sleeping later in the morning. I've gotten into this vicious circle--I don't get out of bed in the morning until the last minute because I am lacking in energy and somewhat depressed and I am somewhat depressed and lacking in energy BECAUSE I'm not getting out of bed in the morning! Bah.

My best friend has found someone to buy her house and this is just the first step in her moving away. And as much as she can say she's coming back, I just won't believe it until I see it. 

I am so unbelievably happy being at home with my kids and everything is working out great there and yet I am so sad because I don't have any friends to share it with. We're starting gymnastics and soccer this week so SkyWalker can try to meet new people, but I've given up on the idea of me ever having friends again.

We're having SkyWalker's birthday party on Saturday. I can't believe he'll be 3 on Monday. It's gone so fast. I can't believe we found out I was pregnant with the Princess a year ago (on his second birthday). And now she'll be 4 months old on Saturday. It's just amazing.

Vader is going to Buffalo tomorrow and staying until Thursday. He'll be home late Thursday so I will have to deal with the kids and the dogs by myself. This will suck donkey balls.

I really need to remember to bring tissues into this office so I can wipe myself after I pump. If I dribble boob-milk on my pants again I'm going to be annoyed.

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Back in the saddle

I can't believe I'm working.

Well, I'm at work.

Right now I am in the office pumping. I don't know whose computer this is but it is green and freaking my eyes out. I am glad that I don't have to worry about how much I get... I'm really pumping just to keep up my supply since I'm missing a feeding. I don't think my left boob likes the pump. Hmmm. I'm not worrying since I have a huge stockpile.

100_1096

All of those things standing up are bags of my boob milk.

Everything has changed here. It's so weird to be back. It's weird to be part time. I was always on the other side of the fence... now I'm part time and trying to leave all the politics and bullshit behind.

The jedi are doing well. I am tired. The dogs bark too much. So same old same old.

I can hear children crying. But they're not mine so I don't care. Ha!

Next week we start gymnastics and soccer. I hope to get into the storytime here *coughcough* and then I'll have storytime on Tuesdays, Gymnastics on Wednesdays and soccer on Thursdays. It's all at roughly the same time 10-10:30 so hopefully the Princess will get used to being out and just adjust to it. I'll bring the baby bjorn though... she'll sleep in that but may not sleep in the carseat (she wakes up as soon as we stop driving. she's a nosy little thing). Hopefully SkyWalker will make some friends and get enough physical activity to stop climbing on my back. ;-)

Pumping time over. Back to working. 

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