Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The letter of the week is H

for Halloween and Heartache.

Tomorrow, Halloween, my life as I have known it for quite a long time will come to an end. Shinesalot is leaving. Moving to Texas. Might as well be China. I remember being all upset 3 years ago when SkyWalker was first born and I thought she would be moving to New Jersey. How ironic that I would LOVE New Jersey now.

I cannot breathe when I think about this. I cannot stop crying. Pretty sure Vader heard me sobbing the shower last night. When SkyWalker hears me sniffle after I sneeze he says "Mommy crying again?".

It's hard to explain. It's not just a friend moving away. There's so much more. It's beyond words. It's easy to make acquaintances. Easy to make friends that you would go to a bar with. Or maybe even have dinner, or a playdate with. It's hard to make friends with people you would trust your children with and that is the difference here. It's hard to make friends that become your family. That become an essential part of your life.

I told SkyWalker last night that his little buddy would be moving to Texas. He said "My go to Texas too?" I said No. Then he said "My go to storytime with [littleman] after Texas?" And I just cried.

It's not just my pain. It's his as well. Because he's old enough now to understand that he's not seeing his best friend, but not old enough to understand why. Or when he might see him again, because we don't even know that. And I think that's the hardest part. If I could say, we just need to get through the next year, or the next 2 years, and then they'll be back here and you'll go to school together and go to the prom and be on the soccer team together... but I can't say that. Because I don't think there will be an end to this. Sure, maybe when they visit family on the east coast they might stop as they drive by, but I don't believe they will be moving back here. I think the lure of some big city somewhere will be too much.

This is the worst thing. Ever. When I was long distance with Vader it sucked but I knew there was an end. With everything in my life that was bad I could always see the end. But this? I don't see the end. And so I begin my grieving process. I've gone through the denial all summer. I'm bounced between the anger and the depression. Bargaining doesn't work when you have no one to bargain with. The last stage? Acceptance? Just don't see it happening.

I've locked this post because I don't need the whole world calling me to make sure I'm not killing myself. Luckily I have children who will make me get out of bed even when that's the last thing I want to do.

I need to stop pumping and start breathing again.

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medlibrarygirl said...

Big hugs for you. It sounds like you're going through so much all at once.

bookishbiker said...

I'm so so so so sorry. I am really sad for you having this hard time. I'm glad you've got your kids to keep you placing one foot in front of the other for now, and I hope that some of the pain eases up soon.

fauxmiddlechild said...