Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Happy Birthday SkyWalker (and me)

SkyWalker turned 4 years old today. I can't quite believe it has been that long. We went to preschool and although I still got the clinging to me hug and the request that I not leave and the sad face, there was no crying. The Princess and I went back less than an hour after we left so we could share the cupcakes. We stayed the rest of the time since his teacher and I agreed that 2 goodbyes would be too much for him. The Princess pretended she belonged there and tried like hell to do the water color painting and everything the big kid's were doing. And screamed at me when she couldn't get a second cupcake. SkyWalker talked to his teachers while I was there and seemed to do okay. He wasn't too distracted by us. 

We went to Denny's for lunch with Grama and then he and I went hunting for leaves as the Princess napped. I'm trying to get him to say he wants to go out for dinner too so I can get out of cooking. He's being a goofball and non-committal right now. 

Would you like to hear how much of a pathetic loser I am?

On Monday the Princess and I went to the Y to join. I filled out the paperwork and the guy gave me a bingo sheet and told me if I took it all home and filled it out (all heath stuff--avoiding soda and TV and things we already do) then he would waive the $100 signing fee. Sweet right? I said sure and left without handing the paperwork in. Great. Only it's not. Because now I've had time to rethink. And second guess myself. 

I can't do it.

I was explaining yesterday why I didn't put SkyWalker in preschool at 3. He had only been home with me for a couple of months at that point, after having been in daycare for nearly 2 years. I wanted my time with him and I am glad I did it. I said that I would probably put the Princess in at 3 since I've been home with her since day 1. I realized today that although I have been home with her I have not had any alone time with her. Not more than half an hour here and there when Vader and SkyWalker are busy outside. I thought back to this last week and farting around Target with her and going to the library and how she's been in the best mood... and we spent one day walking around Target just kissing and singing to each other. And it was the best. 

I have a million good excuses. I only have 2 1/2 hours of SkyWalker being in preschool. I only have 2 days I can go to the gym. Do I really want to spend all that money on an hour a week? Maybe 2 hours? I'm making even less money now (I always type monkey... wouldn't it be funny if we got paid in monkeys?), should I really be spending it? Do I want to do this now when I know I won't be able to go with a newborn next year? 

But really what it comes down to is that I don't want to waste one single minute. I just dropped a night of work. I've been thinking about identity a lot lately--how I'm really not the goddesslibrarian anymore--and what I realized is that above all else, before anything else, I am Mom. And I might be a pathetic loser with high cholesterol, but you know what? I'm okay with that.

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Felice said...

Oh, that is not pathetic! It is really nice. We're lucky to be able to spend this time with our kids and for you to want to spend time alone with the princess is totally understandable. You'll never get these years back -- but you can always join the Y another time. You know, when you have 4 kids vying for your attention ;-)

Jedi Mama said...

Ha! Yeah.... although with 4 kids I believe that A) I will never finish a meal again and B) I will never sit again, so perhaps I wouldn't need to join the Y after all.... :-)

Shinesalot said...

You know I totally agree with staying home and being Mom...but you should not neglect your health! I'm not saying join the Y - clearly it isn't a good time, it really doesn't make sense right now...but make a choice to exercise WITH the Princess - take a 30 minute walk outside with her or do laps around the mall. High cholesterol is no don't want to leave those kids a minute sooner than you must - take care of your heart so it will be strong for a long long long long time.

Jedi Mama said...

Worry not, I would bet anything that my cholesterol is actually a lot lower than it was the last time I was tested (before kids and vegetables and wagon rides). And as my father so delicately put it last weekend "If you get any skinnier you'll be anorexic", I don't think I have any other symptoms... but yeah, I was planning on just walking with her and doing my stuff at home whenever I get a chance.

Bee said...

I just decided that I will not be continuing my gym membership (Curves) when it expires this fall... But that doesn't mean I won't do anything in the way of exercise... Like you, I've decided that I work too hard to spend money on the chance that I will make it to the gym... I decided that it makes more sense to try and find a way to be active at home every day -- which gives me a better motivation to actually go out and take walks with Clark and Boogie or something like that...