The letter of the week is H

for Halloween and Heartache.

Tomorrow, Halloween, my life as I have known it for quite a long time will come to an end. Shinesalot is leaving. Moving to Texas. Might as well be China. I remember being all upset 3 years ago when SkyWalker was first born and I thought she would be moving to New Jersey. How ironic that I would LOVE New Jersey now.

I cannot breathe when I think about this. I cannot stop crying. Pretty sure Vader heard me sobbing the shower last night. When SkyWalker hears me sniffle after I sneeze he says "Mommy crying again?".

It's hard to explain. It's not just a friend moving away. There's so much more. It's beyond words. It's easy to make acquaintances. Easy to make friends that you would go to a bar with. Or maybe even have dinner, or a playdate with. It's hard to make friends with people you would trust your children with and that is the difference here. It's hard to make friends that become your family. That become an essential part of your life.

I told SkyWalker last night that his little buddy would be moving to Texas. He said "My go to Texas too?" I said No. Then he said "My go to storytime with [littleman] after Texas?" And I just cried.

It's not just my pain. It's his as well. Because he's old enough now to understand that he's not seeing his best friend, but not old enough to understand why. Or when he might see him again, because we don't even know that. And I think that's the hardest part. If I could say, we just need to get through the next year, or the next 2 years, and then they'll be back here and you'll go to school together and go to the prom and be on the soccer team together... but I can't say that. Because I don't think there will be an end to this. Sure, maybe when they visit family on the east coast they might stop as they drive by, but I don't believe they will be moving back here. I think the lure of some big city somewhere will be too much.

This is the worst thing. Ever. When I was long distance with Vader it sucked but I knew there was an end. With everything in my life that was bad I could always see the end. But this? I don't see the end. And so I begin my grieving process. I've gone through the denial all summer. I'm bounced between the anger and the depression. Bargaining doesn't work when you have no one to bargain with. The last stage? Acceptance? Just don't see it happening.

I've locked this post because I don't need the whole world calling me to make sure I'm not killing myself. Luckily I have children who will make me get out of bed even when that's the last thing I want to do.

I need to stop pumping and start breathing again.

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Dear PBS Kids

I'm one of those parents who actually watches TV with her child. Even if I'm on the laptop... I'm sitting right next to him on the couch answering his questions and interacting with him. When I had to watch the same Caillou episodes a million times I thought hmm, that's funny, there must not be very many episodes. Then I started noticing that out of the 3 vignettes in an episode only 1 would be new and the other 2 would be from other episodes. When you watch every day you notice these things. Imagine my surprise when we started DVR'ing Curious George and the same exact episodes are repeated week by week. If you're going to play a TV show EVERY SINGLE DAY, have more than 30 episodes to choose from. And if you have to repeat, maybe you can wait more than a week? Or here's a cooky thought, just don't show them every day. Twice a day. I know you get away with it because kids don't really give a crap about watching the same thing over and over again and again. And most parents use the TV as a babysitter so they wouldn't care. But I'm not a kid and I'm not most parents and I need a little variety. Thanks so much.
****

The Princess had her first taste of peaches this morning. I couldn't get the spoon to her mouth fast enough. She has had a couple of successful poops so hopefully it is doing it's job. I've done things so much quicker with her than with SkyWalker but it's not like I'm shoving it done her throat. I didn't even want to give her cereal. But she's hard to refuse. And I really didn't want to be feeding her every 2 hours like a newborn!
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The FIL is still in the hospital since last Friday. The earliest he'll be discharged is this Friday. His kidneys are still swollen, don't look normal. They had to catheterize him again. They want a kidney specialist to take a look at him now since they still don't look normal after being there with a catheter for days. What will probably happen is that he'll have to catheterize himself (i.e. MIL will have to do it) on a regular basis. It's not related to the cancer at all--it's just a problem with the new bladder. But he only has a new bladder because of cancer in the old one so I guess it really *is* related.
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SkyWalker was wearing his snowsuit around the house yesterday. Refused to take it off. And then decided he needed to "shave" so he took everything off and walked around with no shirt on. Today he is sitting on the couch wearing nothing but underwear and socks. I guess I should be grateful he is wearing underwear.
***

If Isaac is not allowed outside by himself soon I might lose my mind.

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Memory, or lack thereof

I know I had a whole funny bit about how SkyWalker will one day get kicked out of school and how it's all my fault, but now I can only remember one example. Which does not constitute a whole bit. Damn this sieve-like brain.

When he burps or farts instead of saying "excuse me" like all of the other robots in this country, he says "My farted!" and I say "Good one!" and give him a thumbs up. If it happens unexpectedly we also giggle as a family.

There was so much more to it than that. Oh well. Someday I'll remember.

After soccer today (in which Coach Ian informed us that he sprained his ankle and cannot play so there's a new coach and SkyWalker said he wanted to wait for "Coach Ian's boo-boo to go away" but then decided to play anyway), we all went to Target to get Vader a birthday card and a present (from SkyWalker). SkyWalker insisted that Vader should have a Stepney train. SkyWalker already has a Stepney train so he said "two Stepneys". I was not going to buy another one knowing that Vader will just say "Here ya go" and give it right back to him. But we went to the train section anyway and damnit they had Toby so Mommy had to buy Toby instead of waiting for Christmas. Then I thought SkyWalker could give Vader a matchbox car since all of his cars were originally his Daddy's and wouldn't it be cute for him to give his Daddy a new one. He picked out a fire helicopter (hmmm... two things that SkyWalker loves...) and when we got home he had to try it out. It is now his. He suckered me into buying two new toys today! And a new set of beads because he is a freak who loves cheap beads and there are only so many times I'm going to glue a set of beads that cost less than 50 cents.

Does knowing your blog audience change what you write? Or how you write it? I've always tried to forget that I have an audience at all... although if I didn't want it to be read it would be locked or completely private so some part of me must have realized that someone out there would read it.  Obviously when people comment on posts I know there's an audience, but when you know that audience in real life does it change things? Do you censor yourself? Or do you just pretend to not know and write what you would have written anyway? I think I do the latter.

And with that thought, here's what my son said to me as I was getting him dressed this morning: "Mommy has big nipples [I often pump at breakfast now and he's fond of saying "What's Mommy's nipple doing??" before I can get my shirt down. I do not know why he thinks I have big nipples. His father's are MUCH bigger.] My kiss Mommy's big nipples??" Obviously I said NO but he thought it was hilarious and tried to tackle me.

And that is probably another reason why he'd get kicked out of school.

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Pause

Ever wish you had a pause button for life? I swear this week has gone by in a matter of seconds.

The Princess had her surgery on Monday. She did very well. It was a bit more complicated than originally thought--apparently the bad ureter was going into the urethra and not the bladder at all. So instead of re-routing the bad one onto the good one, they took both (since they were very closely attached to each other as well) and moved them both into a more appropriate spot on the bladder. The bad ureter was kinked a lot and this was the best way to fix it. There's a 95% chance that this will fix everything and she won't have problems in the future.

When we first saw her after the surgery she was so puffy from the fluids in the IV that I almost didn't recognize her. It was hard seeing her like that and I couldn't pick her up right away. Luckily she was very calm and actually trying to smile. The nurse handed her to me and I was able to nurse her immediately, unlike SkyWalker who was too weak to nurse. That was good. And she lost the puffiness pretty quickly. She was up ALL night long and when she wasn't nursing, her little roommate was crying (with no Mommy to console him). Or the nurses were in and out giving meds. I did not sleep and am still trying to catch up. She's been up every night this week. We started her on cereal yesterday and I hope to be back on routine starting Monday. Having my mom here this week was a huge help and yet one more reminder of how far away I am.

The news on the FIL is not so good... a cat scan showed a mass (carcinoma) on his spine so now he has to have radiation for 10 weeks and then follow up with more chemo. MIL mentioned that they are working on "just eliminating his pain" right now. Which doesn't sound very promising to me... but nothing is ever said directly.

One of our pipes has yet another leak and it looks like we will have to have major work done one way or another. Good times.

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Curious George

We had a Curious George birthday party for SkyWalker's first birthday. He didn't know who CG was and didn't care, but we liked monkeys. Sometime within the last year when Nana was visiting she read him a Winnie the Pooh story that was a bit too long for me... so I suggested a CG story from his book, A Treasury of Curious George.

A Treasury of Curious George

All of a sudden he loved CG. We had to read it every night. We got sick of reading the same stories over and over and there are only so many books I'm going to check out of the library, so we asked for two more books for his 3rd birthday. The New Adventures of Curious George and the Complete Adventures of Curious George. When I started looking into it I discovered the one we had, the Treasure one was not "original". They were newer stories. As are the New Adventures. And some reviews were all "boo, these are not originals and therefore bad". So I decided to get the Complete Adventures too since those stories are the originals from 60 years ago. Guess what? They are LONG, meandering, and boring. I much prefer the newer CG stories when the title of the story actually has something to do with the plot. In CG Flies a Kite he starts out kicking a ball, then he lets some rabbits out of a cage and loses a bunny and has to find the bunny, then he goes fishing, then he finally flies a kite and gets blown away and has to be rescued by the Man in the Yellow Hat who never properly supervises him anyway. It's 50 some odd pages and I'm looking for the damn kite the entire time. I can't believe that *I'm* saying that, but for bedtime read alouds I groan every time he reaches for the Complete Adventures and wants to read CG goes to the hospital for the 50 millionth time.

I just realized that I better get a book to bring to the hospital with me on Monday, particularly since I am staying with the Princess by myself Monday night. I don't know how much sleeping I'll be able to do. I need a nice fluffy book that doesn't require much focus...I don't think I did any reading when SkyWalker had his surgery but that was only a couple of hours and wasn't an overnight recovery. I still can't believe that this is happening on Monday. It's good to get it over with and I'm glad I don't have to worry about Thanksgiving getting messed up. But it just seems so soon. Then again we've known this was a possibility since my 20 week ultrasound.

The best friend is moved out of her house. I passed it today on my way to work and managed not to cry. She's been 8 minutes away for so long now...and now she's not and this is just the first part. I don't want to even think about next month, and therefore I am not.

So I think I have indirectly gotten my closure*. It's sad that nearly 7 years of friendship is just over like that, but I guess that's just the way it is.

*Note, I am NOT talking about best friend. Silly people.

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Pajamas

It is 8:14 and I am in pajamas. The same pajamas I wore to bed last night and have yet to take off. To be fair to myself I decided that today would be Pajama Day as the letter of the week is Letter P. We had pancakes for lunch. We did P-crafts (princesses and pigs and painting) and it was a fun day despite the fact that I got no cleaning done again and SkyWalker did not nap again and by bedtime he was a Pain in my ass. He YELLED at me that he needed more toast, more applesauce, more whatever. He did not get it so he YELLED about that. He yelled at bedtime so I threw him in his room at 6:45 without a bath or books and he cried and cried and finally he calmed down and asked to take a bath with the Princess and since he was filthy I decided to relent and let him. I got them both in bed before 8, took Isaac out, fed both the dogs and am now blogging instead of doing the dishes. Vader is food shopping and the dogs are intermittently barking and I would like some peace. Hey, Peace, that's a P-word.

We went to the Planetarium on Monday and it was great fun. We went to storytime yesterday and he actually danced and enjoyed himself. Tomorrow is soccer and then another week is over. It feels like it was just the summer... I have over 200 pictures on my camera and they are just from September. Or mostly from September. It's just amazing how much time has flown by.

I've been thinking a lot about housekeeping, homemaking, whatever you want to call it. I printed out a list from real simple of what should be cleaned and how often. And I started to feel even worse about my homemaking--I don't wash my curtains once a year let alone every 3 months--and then I remembered why I'm really home. It's not so I can have the cleanest bathrooms in town. It's not so I can learn how to cook. I'm home so I can be with my kids. In the long run it's more important for me to sit down and read Gossie over and over than it is for me to have a clean house. As long as I don't have ants and little critters eating off the floor I think I'm doing a good job.

The dogs are quiet. The children are sleeping. Even the donkeys are silent now. I'm sure it will be broken when Vader comes home and the dogs go nuts. But for now I'm enjoying listening to the sound of ... nothing.

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Closure

I mentioned a couple of posts back about wondering whether or not closure was needed when ending a friendship. Is it necessary to say "I am no longer friends with you and here's why..." or do you just let it fade away and avoid drama? If someone has done something that you just cannot condone, that crosses the line so much that you can't ignore it, that you can't pretend that it isn't happening, what do you do? Do you quietly walk away? Or do you confront your friend? Which is worse?

On to other topics...

I think part of the reason I've been getting headaches is from not eating enough. I'm eating the same I was before but the Princess is not. She's nearly doubled how much she's been nursing. I don't think I can hold out until 6 months to give her cereal. :-( This saddens me. I'm not starting it before her surgery though... which means that in the meantime it's all ME all the time.

It's funny to think that last October I was worried because Isaac was having his surgery (his first) and now I've got the Princess's surgery on Monday. I was also puking every day. Apparently October just sucks ass for me.

Moo time is over. Back to "work."

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Splitting

The letter of the week is letter S. SkyWalker has done S-crafts and sung S-songs. I did my share by getting an undeserved Speeding ticket and a Splitting headache. I would not wish a migraine on my worst enemy. It was so bad when I called in sick to work last night that I cried on the phone. And that was not even the worst of it. I went to bed at 6 and it hurt so bad that I didn't fall asleep until after 8. I couldn't take anything strong because of the breastfeeding. I wound up with a fever. I seriously thought about going to the damn hospital. I thought my head was going to split right open. Vader stayed home this morning so I went back to bed after breakfast. The migraine is gone but I still have the lingering after-headache. I need to call the doc and get something I can take that's safe for breastfeeding.

We have a date for the Princess's surgery. They're doing it on Monday October 15. I'm glad it will be done soon. Speaking of the Princess she is now Screaming--that's her participation in "S" week.

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He grew!

I don't know how much I've mentioned it on this blog, but SkyWalker is a bit of a skinny-minny. He was underweight at 6 months and while he started gaining weight again he never caught up. He still hasn't but it's nice to see that he is gaining something. We had our check up today and he's almost 37 inches tall and a whopping 27 pounds. Tee-hee. Poor boy will be in a booster seat until he's 15! He did great identifying the shapes for the vision test. He drew a line and a circle for the doctor. He did really well and was such a good boy. Until we got to the parking lot of course. Sigh. He has this problem whenever we get in the car to leave somewhere. He runs to the back of the van and I have to drag him into his carseat. I made a deal with him today that from now on I will tell him if he has time to play and if he does he can play and if he doesn't he has to get in his seat immediately. He remembers that the UPS truck delivered a book case 6 or 7 months ago. Let's see if he remembers our deal tomorrow.

The princess is rolling over like crazy. Unfortunately she's getting stuck on her tummy and crying at night. And then getting so awake that she gets hungry. I am looking forward to this phase being over. But I am completely and totally in love with her. So it's all good.

On Friday we went to an apple farm. Last week's letter of the week was "A", hence the apple farm. I had never been before. SkyWalker had a lot of fun. This week is Letter "S". We're going to the planetarium. But that starts with P, you say? Yes, but there's space and solar system and sky and sun and stars. And it's at the science museum. We'll probably go pumpkin picking during P week. After this week I can do whatever letters I want. I've been doing his name.

He had a good time at storytime today. The Princess was so distracted while trying to nurse I don't know what to do. I might wind up pumping before we leave home while she is still hopefully sleeping and then just giving her a bottle. At least she can turn her head then. And not expose my boob to my poor unsuspecting co-workers. Or storytime dads. (No, really, there was no boob exposure. I was careful.)

Ah well, pumping time is over. I had a whole thing about closure I wanted to talk about and whether or not it was necessary in the end of a friendship or if it was better to just fade away but alas I have no time left. 

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