Not of my children. I don't think I ever really had that.
I've lost control of my house. I am too embarrassed to have playdates. It's just beyond a mess. I can't keep up. There are always more dishes, more laundry, more piss on the toilets. I've never cared about dust or the little nooks and crannies but there are crumbs on the floor that just don't go away. I sweep and they come back. I sweep and Isaac scratches his skin off and Haze drops her dark fur all over. The Princess's poor baby dolls are covered in Haze hair because she leaves them on the dirty floor. Whenever I feel like I've made a dent I have to deal with a crisis somewhere (Daddy's cds thrown on the floor! out of their cases!) and then I have no energy anymore to do anything else. I have no energy to do anything really. In addition to being mom of 2 kids-tired, I also have pregnant-tired, and then medication-tired so I'm pretty friggin' tired. If I do too much I vomit.
For a while I was has-it-together-girl. I have a spreadsheet of all the rooms and what's required in them and I'd check it off as I cleaned each toilet and changed the sheets and vacuumed and whatnot. Now it is just a painful reminder of my inadequacy. I keep thinking it will get easier. As I go more days without vomiting, I'll be able to keep up. But it just doesn't happen. I cleaned the toilets on Wednesday and already it's like I never did it.
I'm thinking that instead of asking for a treadmill for Christmas (which finally came today) I should have asked for a maid. Just once, just to get the house cleaned once, and then I could stay on top of it. You know, after I tie up the children and the dogs.