"We makin' friends"

The jedi and I went to a meetup at an indoor play area that we haven't been to since his birthday--with his little best bud who is now a Texan. It was jam-packed with kids. He ran away from me and climbed on things and said "hi" and "peekaboo" to other kids and their moms (!) and smiled at people and had a wonderful time. He didn't play with anyone for real, but he climbed next to kids and didn't let them stop him from doing things. The Princess lured many a mama my way with her amazing beauty. For reals, yo. I know I'm biased, but every single mom was drawn to her and said the same thing "Wow, she's so beautiful." She sat and looked at people and smiled and crawled toward me and was perfectly fine. I made the obligatory small talk and tried to not be myself. On the way home SkyWalker said he had fun and "we makin' friends. I say hi."

I think I've reassessed what I want out of these things. I don't want friends for me. I don't even necessarily want friends for him--not real ones anyway. He'll make his friends once he gets to school. Right now what I want to do is just expose him to a bunch of different kids so that he's comfortable in social settings (unlike his parents). I don't want him to hide--physically or mentally--when he gets in with a group of kids. We're not looking for best friends. I think we're just looking for acquaintances really. We have our weekly playdates with our old friends and that's going well. It doesn't even matter if the boys become friends--each will have a familiar face on that first day of kindergarten.

The Princess is officially crawling. No more belly flopping halfway there... let the games begin! Maybe now Vader will do something about a real gate at the bottom of the stairs. One that SkyWalker can open but the Princess cannot.

It is wicked busy at the library tonight. I got blindsided when Bee went on dinner and now I'm in here pumping. I hope it has slowed down some and she's not overwhelmed. I'm actually been working in addition to the reference! So there, it happens people. Sometimes I work.

LOST starts in one hour. Sigh. I hope the DVR doesn't mess up.

The tap is dry. I'm running out of milk. The Princess is more interested in waffles and peas (what the dilly-o?) and everything but mama. Either that or she is just wicked efficient... which could be the case. She was always quicker. In the beginning she would nurse for 10 minutes but she was awake and actively nursing the entire time. Now she's down to 3-4 minutes. 5 if I'm lucky. I know she's getting something because I can feel it and she's swallowing... but can she really get what she needs in 5 minutes? She hasn't been finishing her bedtime bottle when I'm at work but I've been feeding her more often because she's so quick... so maybe she's just snacking now. Taking 2 or 3 ounces here and there instead of the 5-7 she used to do. She is getting 6 ounces mixed in with her cereal everyday... as much as I love breastfeeding I hate the insecurity and doubt that goes along with it.

SkyWalker came in the bathroom today as I was taking care of some ahem, feminine issues... He looked at the maxipad and said "what that is?" I decided to bombard him with information to make him go away so I started by saying "Well, Mommy has her period..." and I kid you not, his "I'm a male and don't want to hear it DNA" kicked in and he said "Okay" and ran out saying "I'm a piggy bank" and hitting the top of his head like he was putting a penny in it.

And now... back to work.

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Little celebrations

Sunday night we gave the Princess her last dose of amoxicillin. Or immoxicillan as my dumbass husband spelled it. It was a long 8 1/2 months and I am glad it's over. I'm sure that her next ultrasound will be great and we won't have to put her back on it. And I'll bet anything that if she ever gets an ear infection she won't be given amoxicillin!

Today she pushed herself up into sitting. And she balanced herself on the little ride on car thingy and pushed with her feet and loved every second, especially when big brother started pushing her. She's just growing so quickly. I'm sure having a big brother who is so loving and devoted and hands-on helps. He loves to sit and play with her and will do things that she can do--he gives her a ring and then lays down next to her and takes one himself and shakes it like she does. He always makes sure that she has whatever he has--except for things that she might choke on (in his opinion--so large puzzle pieces that he just doesn't want her to eat are a choking hazard).

I have been ambushed by a bunch of boy scouts. I hope they are gone by the time I leave the room.

More funny things SkyWalker has been saying: "Yes, that is a problem." "Let's see here" and OH---

SkyWalker: "What these are?"
Mommy: tee-hee "Those are your testicles"
SkyWalker: "NO!" laughs
Mommy: "Yes. You can call them your balls." giggle
SkyWalker: "I'm gonna kick these balls."
Mommy: "That might hurt."
SkyWalker: "I'm going put these balls on your nose!"
Mommy: "Uh... no."
SkyWalker: "I'm gonna put these balls on your eyes!!"
Mommy: "That's just weird... no... tee-hee... no"

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Court

I just got back (a little while ago) from my court date for that speeding ticket I got back in October. I walk into the village court and ... it's a hallway. It was so funny. I met with the police officer who asked me if I was hoping for a reduction (um, yeah) and he immediately changed it to a parking ticket. No points on my license. No insurance problems. No surcharge. Just a $75 fine. Oh yeah. I'm glad that's over with! 

I even managed to get home in time for bedtime, albeit too late to feed the Princess. Not that it would matter since she's not eating for more than 3-4 minutes now. As it was she only took 2 1/2 ounces. She is eating a lot of solids, but not more than she was before... I think it's just her teeth that are bothering her. The first popped through a couple of weeks ago and now the second is ready to break. Sigh.

Her new car seat came today. She hasn't outgrown the infant seat yet, but she's pretty damn close. And getting really hard to carry around. It's not like she stays asleep in the carrier, but it'll still be a pain in the neck to not have it. I can leave her in the carrier on the floor and walk away for a minute. Can't really do that without a carrier. 

I should probably head to bed early. I'm pretty sure we will be up again tonight. For the teething baby? No. For the peeing preschooler. We put his singing potty in his room but I doubt he'll use it tonight. We've been going up there right before we go to bed and having him pee, but all that's done is changed his wake up time from 1:30 to 4 am! And that's much worse. And even when he does pee, sometimes more than once, his diaper is always still wet. I can understand having a small bladder but he's not drinking in his room. How much can he really need to pee? Which of course makes me think there's something wrong with him. My brother had to have his pee-pee hole stretched because he could never get it all out at once... but SkyWalker had surgery on his. I would think they would have made the right size hole. Of course then I wonder if something has gone wrong with his surgery... but most likely he just has a small bladder like his father who gets up every single night to pee. 

And with that, I am going to go pee. 

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Progress

I've gotten up by 6 every day this week. I've managed to pump, eat, and shower before the 7 am wake up call. I've momentarily thought about exercising as well, but then laughed it off. I would love a treadmill. I think that's the only thing I could really do that early in the morning. There was a time when I used to get up at 5 and go to the gym. A long time ago...

SkyWalker is back to normal. Vader spent all day Sunday with us and then on Monday he played with SkyWalker ALL DAY while I cleaned the house. I think it's no coincidence that he's pooping like crazy again and telling me how happy he is. I understand that Vader needed to be with his parents, but he also has a tendency to stay late at work or go to work on the weekends. And doing BOTH pretty much left us all alone and SkyWalker must have felt it too. All day Monday he kept saying "You going to work? You staying home?!" to his Daddy.

My dishwasher is coming tomorrow. Yay! It was over $800. Boo!

The Princess took a lovely 2 hour nap this morning. She did wake up part way through and talked to herself but she never cried and went back to sleep. And then she took another nap in the afternoon for an hour and 40 minutes! So did SkyWalker! Unfortunately I was too busy getting ready for work to really enjoy it. But it was nice anyway.

The Princess is so close to crawling. She tries SO hard. She did make a couple of forward movements today instead of just going backwards, so I think she'll be there soon. SkyWalker did everything later, but quicker. He was 9 months when he sat up without support, but he went from that to crawling in  just a couple of weeks. The Princess has been earlier, sitting at  6 months, but slower. Of course when you have a big brother who runs to hand you toys... although he has told me not to pick her up when she's on her tummy because she "needs to figure out how to push herself up". Yes, that is what he said.

Which brings me to the latest edition of cute things he's saying: "figure out", "do me a favor," "what you thinking about?". The Princess has been saying: "Mom-mom" "ga-nu-na" and "wha??"

She's also been exploring my face a lot. She loves to stare at me with her face just inches from mine and "caress" my cheeks and stick her fingers in my mouth or up my nose. It is equally hilarious, sweet, and annoying.

I need me some snack foods in this office! Hear that people? Snack foods. Get on top of that will ya?

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Funerals

Funerals suck.

Funerals when you are on the greeting line suck more. 

Having to explain to your 3 year old where his grandfather is really sucks (no he was not there, but he's been the house). 

I am so beyond exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. SkyWalker is holding his poop in AGAIN because that's the only thing he can do... And now begins the lovely task of healing... and setting limits and telling my husband that now that this is "over" he has to be home more and spend more time with his kids. 

Good times.

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Peace

The last time we all went to the in-laws was a couple of weekends ago. We did not go last weekend when MIL made the decision to stop the fluids because Vader didn't think SkyWalker should go. And until Haze stops letting him watch TV she's not babysitting which means if SkyWalker doesn't go, I don't go. Last night I did one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Despite an oncoming migraine, when I left work I went to my in-laws and I said goodbye to my FIL. 

Now my husband is doing one of the hardest things he has ever had to do. He's on his way there now at 6 am. His mom is pretty sure that FIL has already passed. I'm waiting for confirmation now. 

I got a chance to say goodbye. And that's good. 

This has been one hell of a week.

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Beginnings

I did not get up at 6. But I did get up at 6:35 yesterday and was able to pump and have a cup of tea. And today I got up at 6:30 and was able to pump, have tea and cheerios AND brush my teeth and get my contacts in. I did hear SkyWalker up but he didn't bother me.

He has spent the last 2 days sending the poop back. Usually when he doesn't feel like pooping we just get him to pee and then he inevitably poops. This time was different. He was really holding it in. I can only guess that it was his response to all the stress and tension and I did mention on Sunday that FIL was sick and that's why he couldn't go over there. He was in agony until he finally couldn't hold it anymore. I had to physically restrain him on the potty, he screamed and cried and it just came out. And then he pooped again in his underwear but I didn't care about that! He told me he was sending the poop back--he said that around Christmas time but it was relatively easy to get him to just pee and then he pooped. This was HORRIBLE. I hope that it's over now.

We've been having family reading time after nap (I got a nice long nap out of both of them yesterday!). SkyWalker looks at books and sometimes reads to the Princess. The Princess looks at her baby faces books and eats them. I read my own book and then we all read a book together.

During the nice long nap yesterday I did not do dishes. I did do a little laundry--but only moving from the washing machine to the dryer. I made a few CDs I had to make, and read. And it was lovely. Already I just feel a little lighter. Which is good because this has been the week from hell.

We got our estimate back for the pipes--$6k. We had another plumber out today and should hear from him soon. I keep saying that having to fix each leak will run us $500 here and there so we might as well just shell it all out at once, but man that is a lot of money. But not a lot of monkey like I just typed.

I did not eat much of a dinner and now my head is starting to hurt.

SkyWalker was so backed up with his poop that he couldn't even move to be bad in the car today. We went to the post office and Target and a book store and I hoped he would walk around and get the poop out, but he just stayed in the stroller. And this is the worst--he immediately got in his carseat without screwing around. So you know what I did?  Three times, THREE TIMES, I just got in the car and put the key in and he said "Mommy! You need to belt me!". I just didn't think. I'm so used to having to battle to get him in the seat... luckily he is such a good responsible boy that he knew he needed to be belted in and told me so. I don't think I would have really driven away, but man. Eeps.

If anyone has recommendations for dishwashers--let me know. We're going this weekend to look. If we want to use the coupon Sears gave us for not being able to fix it, we need to use it by next week.

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Accountability

My sister called yesterday with some bad news... at first I thought it was going to be worse. She asked if my mom or my sister-in-law had called which made me think something had happened with my brother. Turns out my 23 year old cousin was found dead in his bed. They're doing an autopsy but he had been on medication and drinking and the two don't mix... his sister found him. Because my FIL is literally on his deathbed (any day now) we can't go down for the funeral or even just to be with the family. I'm still just in shock. When you have a kid yourself you look at death a little differently--he wasn't just my cousin. He was my Aunt and Uncle's Son. He was a brother. He was a Dad too--he had a 2 year old daughter her left behind. It is just so so horrible. 

I've been having a pretty shitty week, hell, it's been a shitty few months. I have been feeling the absence of my best friend very very strongly. With Vader at his parents or work all the time, and me having to take care of 2 kids and 2 dogs all by myself all day long I'm just getting to the breaking point. All I do is wash dishes. And laundry. SkyWalker hasn't been napping. The Princess had been napping great--unswaddled too--but is getting her first little tooth so she was up after only 30 minutes today. And if they don't nap together I get NO ME TIME. Days like this, weeks like this, and I'm ready to snap. I can't deal with things that I should be able to deal with. And in the past when it got like this I could always count on my best friend to be there to break the mood. To liven us up. The boys would run around and not be in my hair... and I could breathe for a second or two. But now I am alone and so it just festers and festers. 

But not anymore. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of being unhappy. I'm sick of complaining. I have 2 wonderful kids, one of which is a frickin' genius, and the other is just a joy (when she's not sprouting teeth). And I'm HOME with them. This is what I have wanted and longed for. I have wanted nothing else for the last 3 years. And I'm not even really enjoying it. Sure, right now all I'm doing is the damn dishes and it's amazing how much time that takes up. And I've been using paper plates at lunch time! And snack time! But it's still just so time-consuming. But besides the damn dishes now, I just haven't been enjoying it like I should because I keep feeling this loss of how it was supposed to be. Well, it's never going to be how it was supposed to be. I just don't want to waste any more time. 

So. I. Am. Done. 

Done complaining. Done being unhappy. Done. I am going to get ME back. And I'm writing this here, and not locking it, for some accountability. It's one thing to think it and another to publicize it. 

1. I will get up at 6 am every day. I will start the day on my own. With a cup of tea and some me-time. 

2. I will read books again. We will have family reading time. 

3. I will NOT do dishes or cleaning during any simultaneous nap time. I will do things that are fun and never get done. 

4. I will NOT stay home when I'm feeling so stressed out. Even if we just go to Target, or the library, I will change the scenery. And it doesn't matter if there are dirty dishes in the sink and I just started a load of laundry. 

5. I will NOT be a drama queen. I do not want my children to overreact and cry at everything, and I won't either. 

6. I will express myself. If I don't want my husband to go to work on a Sunday, I will say so instead of playing the passive-aggressive bitch and just whining when he gets home. 

7. I will tell my siblings (including sister-in-law) how much I love them. 

8. I. Will. Not. Waste. One. More. Single. Day.

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Shit on a shingle

I have no idea what that means. It's something Vader used to say all the time so naturally I picked it up and say it more than he does now. I know what it means--something that's particularly sucky--but I don't know where it comes from.

Anyway. Our 4 year old dishwasher has a hole in the tub. Burned right through. Vader asked if it was the chlorine we have to use to  get rid of the sulfur and the service man didn't think so. He thought perhaps that it was from the hot water because it is right where the hot water comes in. But aren't dishwashers supposed to be you know, used with hot water?? We have both spent the day on the phone with various people trying to see if we can get a replacement because that is just ridiculous. Bottom line is that because it's 4 years old and we don't have an extended warranty, they don't give a shit. So we'll be needing to buy a new one soon. REALLY soon. And we'll need to buy a stainless steel tub. Which will increase the price a couple of hundred. Joy. Oh yeah, and the cost for replacing the fill pipe on our oil tank a couple of weeks ago? Over $600. AND we haven't had our plumbing done yet--a bigger company is coming to do an estimate tomorrow at some time. I don't know what time because they never called today. I'm sure it will be in the thousands.

There's so much more going on that goes even beyond the suckalicious but I am too tired and lacking in energy to even begin. 

And now, because he's being a pain in my ass, here is SkyWalker's very first blog:

DOG

CAT

FART

FIRE

DOG

DOG

NANA

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Meetups

Are weird.

We went to the mall to a tiny play area that I would never let my kid play in on a regular day and sat there while he said "I want to play with YOU Mommy." Yeah, um, we're here so you can STOP playing with me and maybe I won't wind up with a broken back from the millionth time you jump on me from behind. Anyway, SkyWalker played with no one else, BUT he walked away from me a couple of times and he did climb on some things that other kids were on. He did not run screaming away or want to just go home. And he was very well behaved, as usual. The Princess was her normally charming self, smiling at everybody, thrilled to be near other people despite the fact that it was interrupting her nap AND a feeding (which actually saddened me a little--can't she at least pretend she still wants my boobs and not a damn waffle??). And SkyWalker was his normal loving big brother self and a couple of the moms commented on how gentle he was with her. I managed to talk to people and even did the "walk" to the toy store across the way that followed the play area meet up and I got a laugh out of them as we were leaving and you know I'm happy if someone laughs at me. In a good way. And get this--I was reading the message board component of this particular meetup and guess what they want to do? They want to start doing crafts and stuff centered around a LETTER OF THE WEEK. That's right Daddy-O. I am so ahead of them. Now that I have met a few (some on my side of the river even) I will be more inclined to say yes to a house meetup knowing that they are not in fact serial killers.

I am eating fries (ala the kindness of Bee) and they are wonderful. As is she. For many reasons.

This writer's strike really sucks. I have not watched new TV in a wicked long time and I need me some diversion damnit.

I got my invitation to a friend's wedding and I think I am looking forward to this almost as much as Christmas with the kids this year. I will get to see many of my closest friends there.  And the children are invited! I don't have to worry about babysitters! How lovely is that??? But don't worry( slytherinlibrarian ), we all know my high standards for my children's behavior--so there shall be no crying or whining or annoying children. ;-) We do have to worry about dogsitters but it's so close (Massachusetts) that Vader and the kids can come for just the night of the wedding and go home the next morning. I think I may go out by myself the day before the wedding to engage in the pre-wedding hijinks. Of course this is all provided my FIL doesn't choose that week to leave us.

The tap has stopped flowing. Back to the grind that is my job.

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Playdates

We had such a great day yesterday, long, but great. We went to a friend's house for FOUR HOURS. Vader went to school with the Dad, he was best man at our wedding, and we've always been "couple friends". They have an older (6) daughter and a son just 6 weeks older than SkyWalker. So they'll be in the same kindergarten class. We went there in November and SkyWalker had a good time but was a little shy. Yesterday on the way there he told me that he was "not going to be a little bit shy with [hmmm... need a nickname here...]" I said "Oh really?" He said "Yup, my just happy!" And he was. They ran around the house together. They went up to S's room together, all by themselves, and did whoknowswhat. We ate dinner and dessert there. It was so nice seeing him interacting with another kid. And the Princess napped in her carseat since it was so late. We'll be doing weekly playdates there and I hope it gets even better. They are pretty much the only people we have now who would be able to take care of the kids in an emergency (or for my FIL's funeral) so the more comfortable my kids are with them the better.

Tomorrow we have our first mommy meet-up at the local mall. I figured the mall was a safe place so I said yes. If it's lame we can do a little shopping. I'm a little nervous but I've been practicing my "I'm a normal happy person" fake persona so I think it'll be okay. I think it's hilarious that I have not heard anything from the group in my own area. Whatever...

This weather is so messed up it's giving me an allergy attack. I took a benedryl last night and I'm still a bit tired. I couldn't take another one since I'm working now and will be again tomorrow night. Joy.

How am I going to post when I stop pumping at work? I'll have to pretend to still be pumping... oh crap, my boss reads this doesn't she?

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Yes, I'm saying it.

100_2108

My son is very advanced for his age. 

I'm laughing with you, really I am, but dude, he's THREE and he can spell THREE words, one of which is a 4-letter word. 

And he is doing this home with me and not in daycare. 

Thank you very much.

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Oh!

For shits and giggles, I present "Monkey pajamas": 

Monkey pajamas

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Desperation

Desperate times call for desperate measures right?

I e-mailed the local mom's club asking how to be involved. Blah blah blah. Why is this significant? Because I'm quite sure half of the people in this damn group know me from the library and have some sort of preconceived notions about how much of a stuck-up bitch I am because of former co-worker who is a part of the group. Bah.

But it gets worse.

I also joined 3 meetup groups at meetup.com. Two are parenting--one sounded great--a thirtysomething group just across the river but it's going to disappear in 3 days if no one steps up to organize and you all know that ain't me. The second one has to "approve" me first. The third one is not as local as I'd like and is not parenting but calls themselves Goddess Girls and how can I not join that?

This sucks.

I will make reach out and make the first move (like with the neighbor) but then I like to let other people take control. Plan things and I will be there. Call and invite me. E-mail and invite me. But if I'm expected to always do it then I just... don't. If I don't call the neighbor months can go by. That just sucks. Once I reach a certain level of comfort then I can start saying "hey, I'm doing this, wanna come?" I do remember back in the day having New Year's Eve parties at my house and having a semi-social life. But it takes a while.

I made three NY resolutions: a) To get up earlier in the morning instead of running up the stairs when I have to feed the Princess. b) To make a new friend(s) c) To not let myself turn into the bitter, angry, depressed person that I am becoming.

It's only the 3rd day of the new year. I've got time right?

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As requested

Here is my favorite of the glitter globes. Inside is a poor snowman wondering when the hell his acid trip will be over.

Snow Globe

My son spelled DOG. He is 3. He spelled DOG. He arranged his fridge letters to do so, and he also verbally told me "D-O-G" today. He. Is. A. Genius.

He's also been talking on the phone a lot--on his hand phone. He holds his hand up to his ear, laughs, smiles, nods, says "hmmm hmmm" "Okay" and makes very funny gestures and faces that I imagine *I* make while on the phone. Today he talked to his best friend in Texas, to a random "Man" (I told him to tell the man he was having lunch so he couldn't talk and he said "Okay, man, I having lunc ((he doesn't pronounce his ch's... except curiously to ask for chips...)) now") and to a dog. To the dog he said "Doggie... you not need to bark." I just laughed and laughed. At one point he was talking to me and he looked at me and even though I wasn't interrupting he said "You not talk!" I guess 2 mommies talking at once would have blown his mind.

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