It's the little things

that keep me sane.

During snack time SkyWalker and I discussed what he wanted to get Vader for Christmas. He said "train." I laughed. Here we go again. I said "Are you sure he wants a train?"
"Yes. Gordon. Daddy and SkyWalker like Gordon."
Then I said "What about a CD?"
"A CD??"
"Yeah. Music that he likes."
"We have one CD, we don't need two" as he holds up one finger for emphasis.

This from the boy who wanted to get another Stepney train for his father's birthday.

There's all sorts of crap going on with FIL that I don't want to get into here. Short version: I don't think there's much time left.

The Princess has been rolling over on her tummy at naptime. What's so unusual about that? She's still FULLY SWADDLED. This is supposed to be impossible. At the very least it is not safe. So I've begun the unswaddling process... I tried cold turkey yesterday and nearly went insane. Today I've been leaving one arm out. It took her over an hour to fall asleep for her second nap. It was not a pleasant afternoon.

For those of you dying to know... I have chosen the celadon color for my matron of honor dress. Now I need to find a little dress in the same color for the Princess. Because I am one of "those moms."

Speaking of "those moms", I am wearing capris that don't look like capris because I'm so short and me legs are cold but I am wearing them anyway because SkyWalker picked them out. He picks out my clothes for work. Usually he's pretty good, but he insisted on the capris today. And a black sparkly shirt that he's been eyeing all week.

Both of them were up last night. I am SO TIRED. That is the hardest part about having two kids...trying to synchronize naps so you can get something done... hoping that they both sleep through the night. If one does, the other is up for some reason. Last night they alternated. It was ridiculous.

We need to leave the house at 8:45 tomorrow morning to make it to soccer on time. I will be getting home around 9:30 tonight, watching Scrubs and the Office and I'll need to shower. Argh. I hope they sleep tonight...

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Carpe Diem

All summer long I wore nursing camis. They were WONDERFUL. Easy.

Cami

I just undid the hook at the top, and I was ready to go. No playing with flaps or underlayers or any of that crap. But now, it is winter. And I am cold. Sigh. I cannot wear these without turning my heat up to 80 and I'm not ready to go there yet. I do have double zip sweaters (zip up from the bottom) and I wear these under them or a nursing bra, but it's just not the same. I need one of my knitting friends to knit me a sweater that's like the cami--that pulls down from the top. I'm pretty sure this is impossible. But I'm also pretty sure that if it's not impossible, one of my knitting friends could do it. They're pretty good.

The Princess had her check-up today. She is 15 pounds, 15 ounces, 25 and 3/4 inches. 50% both height and weight. She's slowed down in her weight gain (which is normal for breastfed babies and totally fine since she was getting to be a chunky monkey). She's got eczema just like big brother and Daddy. But doing just fine. SkyWalker got his flu shot without any crying. He winced, said "That hurt!" but took it like a big boy. I was so proud of him. Having Daddy there helped though.

You know when you start to feel bad for yourself and do a lot of complaining and then you hear something that makes you stop and say "What the hell am I feeling bad for??" One of my friends lost her uncle (father's brother) the other night--car crash. The very next day another uncle, also her father's brother, had an apparent heart attack and died in his sleep. He was making funeral arrangements. So now her poor father has lost TWO brothers in just TWO days. Can you even imagine? How horrible is that? My heart goes out to their entire family.

Carpe diem man. Carpe Diem.

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Little late

I got tagged by Bee back in October... oops.

Four Jobs I Have Had In My Life:

librarian
book store assistant manager
library page
um, yeah, that's it.

Four Movies I Would Watch Over and Over:

Something About Mary
40 Year Old Virgin
The Princess Bride
Anchorman

Four Places I Have Lived:

No
Way
In
Hell

Four TV Shows I Watch:

Heroes -- http://www.nbc.com/Heroes/
The Office -- http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/
How I Met Your Mother
Scrubs

Four Places I Have Been:

Hawaii
Poconos
NYC
Boston

Four of My Favorite Foods:

spaghetti and turkey balls (if I make it)
pizza 
baked ziti (if I make it)
cheese cake. :-)

Four Sites I Visit Daily:

gmail.com
vox.com
hotmail.com
private bulletin board of may/june moms

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:

i'm already home...
someplace warm.
a beach
Texas.

Four Bloggers I Tag:
Nope. I'm a non-tagger. I break all the rules. ;-) 

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Stuffy

My head is stuffy. My throat hurts. How could I have gotten sick? I leave my fortress of a home so very little... sigh... the kids are not sick. So it must be this damn library that I work at a measly 2 nights a week. Bah! I was just remarking that this is the healthiest we have EVER been. The Princess is 6 months and has yet to have a cold... SkyWalker has been healthy in the same amount of time--no daycare does the trick. We do go to soccer and storytime, but I think daycare is the real culprit in the cold wars. Anyway, after feeding the Princess this morning and eating my own breakfast I went back to bed for an hour and a half. My throat feels a bit better but I still have that stuffy feeling. Naturally since Thanksgiving is coming up.

I've come to the conclusion that life is just too short for bullshit. For grudges and misunderstandings. For petty little problems. It's time to seize the day.

FIL is supposed to be released today. He's being sent home with fluids that MIL will have to give through a port. His left tube has been implanted but the right kidney is still not working and they're just leaving it alone. And that's all I know about that. I find myself thanking the FSM that MIL is healthy and can do all of this. I don't know what we'd do if she were to get sick as well... well, I do know, we'd have to consider a live-in nurse or nursing home or hospice, whatever. I can't take care of 2 kids, 2 dogs, and in-laws.

Vader has taken the whole week off and I am so excited. My original plan was to spend the entire day tomorrow cleaning. That may change depending on how I feel when I wake up. At least I'll get some more laundry done and maybe just the kitchen. The kids have their flu shots on Tuesday, as well as the Princess's 6 month checkup, and Vader is going with us. I was NOT going to take 2 kids for flu shots by myself. No thank you.

I am waiting for Bagel to come with a donut. Doesn't that sound funny?

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Tick Tock

This has been the longest Saturday ever. Probably not *ever*, but you know what I mean. If I were home right now I would be saying, "I can't believe it's after 3 already! I have so much more to do!" But alas, I am working and I am saying "I can't believe it's only 3!"

I just love parents who think the library is free daycare. And that I am a secretary who will go looking for a kid... if you're that concerned how about you come to the library with him? Instead of dumping him for HOURS?

Our playdate yesterday went well. We enjoyed ourselves and SkyWalker said he wanted to go back, so that's good. It's funny though, whenever I say "we're going to go play with [whoever it may be]" he says "okay. and littleman?". Sigh.

I've fixed the Princess's sleeping problem (eating at night... not eating during the day... then eating at night), but now she likes to wake up at 5:30, roll over to her tummy and SCREAM until Vader goes upstairs to roll her back over. Once she's rolled over she's usually okay to go back to sleep. I hope she remembers how to roll over to her back soon... she did that first but once she started rolling to her tummy there was no stopping her and she just forgot how to fix herself. Vader has to go up though because if she sees me she'll only want one thing. At least that's what I'm telling him...

We've gotten SkyWalker to say "Bada Bing Bada Boom." It is HILARIOUS.

We are leaving at 7 am on Wednesday morning. I think I might be crazy. But it works better for the kids to travel in the morning. We have 10:30 ferry reservations and hopefully we'll make them. SkyWalker did okay last time, not needing to stop and pee so it should be okay. If it's early enough he hasn't had a full day of drinking...

Pumping break is over... back to "work."

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Classification

SkyWalker has been practicing his sorting, classification and labeling skills. I.E yelling "That man has a bald head" in the middle of Denny's. Or storytime. I suppose I should be glad that in storytime he did not say "That man has a black bald head."

He loves to group people by their similarities--usually involving hair--but is also big into labeling boys and girls, men and women. The funniest though was this afternoon during snack time. I was telling him that I still needed to get ready for work and he said "No, Mommy NOT need to go to work." I said "Oh yeah, who's gonna pay the bills? You?" and his response was "No, my not a woman!" What the hell?? Only women pay bills? That's the funniest nonsensical stereotype I have ever heard.

I am mostly done with my Christmas shopping and those that I haven't bought for I at least know what I'm doing for them. I bought my Christmas Eve pajamas for myself, as well as the slippers I asked Vader for since I saw them while I was shopping. I've asked him to do my stocking and to get me one thing that's a surprise. He has no idea what to get me. None. I could walk around in a bathrobe with holes in it and he would not think to get me a new robe. I could say "Wow, I wish I had a cheesy bracelet with my kids names on it" and he would not think to get it. Unless I say "Buy this for me" and give him explicit directions, he just doesn't pick up on "clues." And even if there aren't actual things that I could use (like a nice new black bathrobe) or want (like a cheese bracelet), I am OBSESSED with Buffy and Wonder Woman. At the very least he could get me some silly Buffy thing and I would be happy.

The Princess is 6 months old today. I can't believe that 6 months have actually passed... it seems like just yesterday. We celebrated by making out, our usual afternoon activity. The problem with making out with a 6 month old is that she takes it too seriously and always tries to stick her tongue in my mouth. Or spit up on me. That was gross. Oh, gross that's a g-word. Anyway, she loves it when I kiss her neck and chin and she giggles and it is the best thing in the world. No, the best thing in the world is when she sneezes and farts at the same time. THAT is hilarious.

One of Vader's friends has volunteered to feed the dogs in the evening and MIL will do it in the morning, so it looks like we'll make it to Thanksgiving on LI.  Which is good since I need to have my "measurements" taken for my matron of honor dress. I need to decide on a color since I'm not too fond of the buttercup yellow that the other girls are wearing...  consensus seems to be with a light green or blue... I need to go through the 18 or 19 suggestions of my friends and see which one wins out. ;-)

There is a bag of cheese doodles on Bee's chair. I swear to you, it is calling to me. I'm trying to ignore it, but, oh, the temptation is strong.

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Perspective

My best friend is a million miles away. Or so it seems. But, we live in an age of e-mail and cell phones and blogs and there are things in the air that take you places.

Yesterday was a holiday. In the past I would have had to work since the library does not believe in holidays. But not anymore... so instead of working and watching other people enjoy the day off with their families, the entire Jedi clan went to the science museum. SkyWalker loved having his Daddy there (although he did mention Littleman), the Princess actually slept for 30 minutes !in public!. And earlier that day SkyWalker swept the garage with his Daddy. We ate dinner together. It was lovely.

The neighbor canceled our playdate yesterday so we'll have to set up a new one. But we have others lined up with our old friends (who have a son SkyWalker's age and are in the same school district).

SkyWalker did wonderful at storytime today. He did ask if Littleman would be there, but he didn't let his absence stop him from having a good time. He stood up and danced and answered questions and walked AWAY FROM ME to dance with other kids. It was thrilling.

After storytime we went to Wal-Mart so SkyWalker could pick out a Christmas present for his sister.  He really wanted a Winnie the pooh rattle like the Tigger rattle she already has but they didn't have it. So he settled on a regular rattle and a Pooh doll. It was so cute seeing him looking and having him say that "she needs a Pooh rattle".

When we got home and the Princess took a nap we went outside. We crammed everything we could into half an hour. He had to pee so he dropped his pants to pee in the grass. I was holding him and pushing his heiney so he wouldn't pee on his shoes... and he farted into my hand. Twice. Good times.

But they are good times... I am home with my children. I can enjoy the day instead of hear about it from someone else. For the first time in AGES I am not worried about the winter. If it's snowing, I'm already home. I just have to worry about staying warm when he wants to play outside. And I'm sure I will feel bad for The Nice Librarian and Bee but if it's snowing and there's any kind of accumulation there's really just no way I'll make it to work... for Vader to leave his high paying job early enough to come home and plow so I can drive for an hour to work 3 1/2 hours makes no sense. And if it's bad enough for him to leave early, it's too bad for me to drive. So for the first time I'm just not worrying about snow. If I can't get out of my driveway and there's no one home to watch the kids, um, yeah, I'm not going in.

I have a wonderful group of friends who may be scattered throughout the country, but are close in more important ways. We share secrets and support each other.

I have great co-workers... who are friends... even if we'll never be able to do anything because they're always working. ;-)

And I have wonderful siblings. Siblings that make me miss Long Island. And who the hell would miss Long Island?

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Impossible Christmas wish list

1. My best friend to be in the same zip code again.
2. To live closer to my family. But not in the same zip code. There's only so much of them I can take. ;-) (Damn siblings reading my blog)
3. Isaac to heal completely so I can kick him out of the house.
4. A mute button for the dogs. And I guess for the kids too.
5. My husband to have siblings.

Yes, I am dreaming, why do you ask?

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Poop

It's hard to stay positive when the universe keeps deficating on me.

While attempting to take Isaac outside yesterday and keep SkyWalker inside, I slammed my finger into the back door. There is still a good deal of pain. Having gone through labor I will not say it's a great deal of pain, but it hurts. I took a nice little chunk of my skin off and that stings but the knuckle itself must be bruised as well. While walking Isaac and calling him a sonofabitch I stepped in dog poop.

On the way to soccer today a pebble/rock hit my window and there is a now a chip in it. Hopefully it will not spread.

The new tires for the van will cost $200. A tire.

The Princess was up all night again last night. I think she might be reacting to the pears though so I'm experimenting with that theory tonight. I can't believe we made it out of the house on time this morning for soccer. I am TIRED.

The good news is that FIL is doing much better. After a couple of days of dialysis the toxins appear to be out of his blood and he's lucid and holding conversations with people who are actually talking to him. His right kidney is still not draining well but it's being flushed on a regular basis and no one is talking about taking it out yet. He's still in a lot of pain from the cancer in his spine.

SkyWalker and I have a playdate on Monday with the neighbor. We're also setting up a weekly playdate with some old friends of ours. Although he still mentions Littleman and says that he "just likes Littleman" he will almost always come around and agree to play with someone else. It won't be the same but I don't think we'd want it to be.

And instead of automatically saying that we wouldn't be going to a friend's wedding because of traveling (short one) or the kids or whatever excuse, I am actually planning on going. It helps that she's kind enough to invite the kids as well. Anything can happen that will prevent us from making it, but I'm starting out with the idea that yes, we will be there.

It's all baby steps.

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Time

marches on whether I want it to or not.

It has been a week since Halloween. I think yesterday was the first day that I did not cry. I was doing well on Sunday, or was it Monday, when SkyWalker asked once again about Texas and wanting to go there. And then he asked me to run around pulling a toy telephone while he ran around pulling a toy dog, one of their favorite activities to do together... and I got choked up but managed to hold it in. I don't think a day has gone by that he has not mentioned littleman at least once. Since he is still talking about meaningless things that happened 8 months ago, I don't think he'll stop talking about his best friend any time soon. I knew Monday would be hard... we always did dinner on Mondays... and sure enough the sobbing began in the shower. I did make it most of the day though.

Vader continues to spend all his free time at the hospital while I stay home and take care of the kids and the dogs from morning till night.

I have never felt so alone in my life.

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Habits

I've been thinking a lot about JustKeepGoing and her snacking in front of the TV problem. I have the same problem but I'm not trying to lose weight so it's not a "problem". Growing up we ALWAYS watched TV as a family (good thing) and we ALWAYS had snacks (maybe not a good thing). Pretzels, potato chips, popcorn, whatever. I find it difficult to watch TV without having something to eat. Unless I'm at the movies because it's too expensive, but when do I go to the movies now? I digress... The other day it dawned on me that I may be leading SkyWalker and the Princess on the same path. I only let him watch a limited amount of television. Most of the time that is when I need to feed the Princess and it's easier/safer to have him on the couch next to me. This also tends to be during snack times. So we're snacking in front of the TV. It's gotten to the point that he doesn't just ask to watch Caillou, he asks for TOAST and Caillou. Or crackers and Curious George. And the entire time I am nursing the Princess, but I am less worried about that--she's not really watching the TV. I've started trying to break the eating and TV connection but it's a bit of a pain in the neck. 

FIL had his procedure today. He had stents (I think that's what my husband said) put in, coming from his kidneys to bags outside his body. He's on dialysis now to help speed up the removal of the toxins in his blood. We're on a "wait and see" basis now as to when he can come home. Apparently he's been really out of it mentally and they hope that the dialysis will help this. It appears that something is wrong with his right kidney--it's not draining like it should. But once again, there's no definitive information as of yet.

Pumping break over...

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Some days

I have been a mom for over 3 years now. I have been a MSAHM for almost 6 months. And there are still some days that I feel like I just don't know what I'm doing. Usually those are the days that follow sleepless nights.

The Princess was up at 11ish, 12, 1 (I went up then and rocked her and gave her a paci and put her back down), 2 (I fed her this time), 3:30 (Daddy did who knows what), some other time I can't remember, 6:15 (I fed her at 6:30 and put her back down) and 8 for the day. She barely ate breakfast (most unusual these days). She slept in the swing for 20 minutes and when I put her upstairs for her nap (after feeding her a top-up feed) she slept for a good... 30 minutes maybe? Crying. I took her temp and it's only 99.7 (rectally) but I gave her tylenol anyway because she is just not herself. I don't think this is a reaction to her surgery. I think she'd have a much higher fever if it were an infection. Her incision looks fine and is healing well. She's peeing a lot. I am afraid that this is all about that dreaded t-word, but I shan't be saying that word since I said it for MONTHS with SkyWalker and he didn't get his first tooth until he was a year old.

I am beyond exhausted. SkyWalker is being a pain in the ass. He is still in pajamas and I don't care. He didn't brush his teeth until 11 am. The dogs are growling at each other. Isaac is doing his normal bark at the wind routine. I would like to silence them all and sleep for a few weeks. I have to find the time to vote today. I have to work tonight. Vader is at the hospital with his father who is getting stents put in to help his swollen kidneys.

If I can't go to my family for Thanksgiving and be taken care of for a few days I will go absolutely crazy.

SkyWalker is jumping around like a lunatic (he only had 3 skittles. it can't be the skittles. i hate Halloween). I am about to eat my pizza without him. The Princess is finally sleeping but who knows for how long. I really do not need her being sick. How could she get sick? We don't go anywhere! We haven't left the house since last Thursday! She can't be sick.

Oh. And my water is coming out black now.

Thank the FSM for good TV. Heroes, How I Met Your Mother, Scrubs and The Office are all getting me through this week.

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Reminders

There are reminders everywhere.

"That [littleman's] chair... cup..." "That [SkyWalker's] truck, that [littleman's] truck". That's even worse.

I thought SkyWalker had stopped asking to see littleman "morrow" because he had switched to saying "my want [littleman] to come back some other day." but once again this morning he asked for tomorrow.

We don't have the benefit of a new place with new distractions and family reunions. We are the ones left behind. We are the ones that need to carry on and pretend the emptiness doesn't exist.

When we got our playset I made sure we bought a toddler swing even though we already had one. Not for the Princess. For littleman. Even though I've been expecting the "we're moving" conversation for most of the last 5 years. I clearly still had hope that it wouldn't happen.

Maybe that's why it hurts even more. On the surface they are moving to Texas to be with family who need them now. That is why they are moving to Texas... not why they are moving. If it had not been for this family need they may not  be going there, it may not be now. But it would have come eventually. Maybe in another year, just enough time for the Princess to fall in love with them too. And naturally that leads me to wonder what I could have done to change things. What more did I have to do? Why wasn't I enough to keep them here? Why aren't we enough to make them come back?

These are the thoughts that haunt me as I cry myself to sleep and try to rebuild the wall that once kept me strong.

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And so it begins

It was an appropriately gloomy day today. As it should be since my sunshine is gone.

I am eating lots of Halloween candy. This is not good.

Both of my children slept until 8 this morning. Well, the Princess was up at 6:30, ate, fell asleep in my arms and stayed asleep when I put her in the crib at 7. Normally I would love them to sleep until 8 but we had to leave for soccer at 8:45 and they both needed to eat breakfast. I rushed around, got them out on time, got to soccer... and SkyWalker refused to play because there was a new coach. And he was a brat about it too. So we left after all the nonsense getting out of the house to begin with. We went to the store to get more peaches and pears for the Princess. He was perfectly well behaved. No running, no nonsense. He held the basket and stayed with me the entire time and smiled at people and everyone beamed at him as he walked by. So I can't be too mad at him, but ugh. We're going back next week and he will participate whether he wants to or not.

FIL is still in the hospital. He had a GI scan done this morning but we won't know the results until who knows when. He's very nauseous which is why they did the scan. He's on anti-nausea meds which makes him out of it. Apparently he was sleeping the entire time Vader visited yesterday. It's not looking good to me but I'm not a doctor and I'm a bit of a pessimist...  

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