Friday, November 2, 2007


There are reminders everywhere.

"That [littleman's] chair... cup..." "That [SkyWalker's] truck, that [littleman's] truck". That's even worse.

I thought SkyWalker had stopped asking to see littleman "morrow" because he had switched to saying "my want [littleman] to come back some other day." but once again this morning he asked for tomorrow.

We don't have the benefit of a new place with new distractions and family reunions. We are the ones left behind. We are the ones that need to carry on and pretend the emptiness doesn't exist.

When we got our playset I made sure we bought a toddler swing even though we already had one. Not for the Princess. For littleman. Even though I've been expecting the "we're moving" conversation for most of the last 5 years. I clearly still had hope that it wouldn't happen.

Maybe that's why it hurts even more. On the surface they are moving to Texas to be with family who need them now. That is why they are moving to Texas... not why they are moving. If it had not been for this family need they may not  be going there, it may not be now. But it would have come eventually. Maybe in another year, just enough time for the Princess to fall in love with them too. And naturally that leads me to wonder what I could have done to change things. What more did I have to do? Why wasn't I enough to keep them here? Why aren't we enough to make them come back?

These are the thoughts that haunt me as I cry myself to sleep and try to rebuild the wall that once kept me strong.

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The Nice Librarian said...

Poor goddess. Of course their decision had NOTHING to do with you and what you did or did not do! Their family needs them. Hope you feel better soon :-(

Jedi Mama said...

Logically I know this. I know all this. But I'm not working with logic this week. But thanks. :-)