The "How I spent my Christmas" post

Let's go back to Friday. I think it was Friday. SkyWalker and I decided to make snow globes out of baby food jars. Here are my mistakes:

1. I decided to make snow globes out of baby food jars.
2. I used oil.
3. I ran out of baby oil and topped them off with canola.
4. I let SkyWalker do the glitter.
5. I LET SKYWALKER DO THE GLITTER.

Sigh.

They did not come out well. He had fun though and that's what counts right? But he used all the glitter, literally ALL of it, so I can't make any good ones myself.

Sunday was Family Breakfast day and as I went to get SkyWalker's morning mug... I dropped it and it broke. It just chipped the top and if it was mine I would still use it, but not for a 3 year old. This is the SECOND morning mug that I broke. I just wanted to cry. At least this time I have the certificate so I can get a new one for half price, plus shipping. You know I'm going to order the damn cereal bowls to go along with his morning mug now... I can't not get him a new one, because he loves it (it has his name on it) and because his sister has one too. I have to prove that it's broken in order to get a new one 1/2 price. More work for me to do.

Then I made chicken parmesan for dinner and forgot to fry the chicken first. I just kept it in the oven longer and it was "okay". But still.

We made sugar cookies together. I should have learned from the glitter but I didn't. SkyWalker did the sugar crystals. They were COVERED with sugar. Apparently it's hereditary though because when Vader saw them he said "Oooh, just the way I like them" and ate about 10 in 2 minutes before I could stop him. SkyWalker ate the cookie dough and the sugar crystals but insisted he didn't like the cookies. Then they both went in the living room and beat the crap out of the spongebob punching bag-thing. Then Vader fell asleep on the couch.

We decorated the tree on Monday. I broke an ornament. One of the ones from Hawaii. I fixed it with my glue gun, but still.

I had wanted to eat at 3 on Christmas but we went to the in-laws and stayed too long and wound up not eating until 4:30. I made turkey lasagna. My dishwasher is not working. I had/have to hand-wash everything. Good times. Sears will be coming on  January 11 to look at it. January 11. Gah!

Christmas itself was good. It was the first year that SkyWalker was *really* excited. And whenever he is happy and excited so is the Princess. And then, so are we. And that's what it's all about right?

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Shadows

SkyWalker and I had an interesting snack time conversation about the shadows in his room. He's mentioned shadows before and not liking them and that he "does this to them" (closes one eye real tight and grimaces). It's kinda weird. He also mentioned monsters today and that was a first. He seems to know that there are no monsters but he really doesn't like the shadows. He turns the light on and then they go away. I wonder if this is why he's been up every night for as long as I can remember now. Vader goes up, he pees, goes back to sleep no problem, but it's still a pain in the neck.

I went to Burger King with a friend after work on Tuesday. It was so nice to not be there with a diaper bag. Not that the kids and I ever go in... It was nice to just sit and talk again. Unfortunately it was after 10 pm. But good times nonetheless.

I don't think FIL has much more time left. He's really not doing well. Vader mentioned the word "funeral" last night and what we're going to do with the kids and that was the first time he's even talked about that... although I've been thinking about it for months now. Have I mentioned how much it sucks to be so alone here?

We still have to get our Christmas tree. Vader is going on Saturday. I would prefer to wait until Christmas Eve but that just doesn't happen around here with so many people who get theirs at Thanksgiving (damn them all!). We need to plant 30 in our yard and then just cut them down ourselves and be all set for the next 30 years.

Good times.

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Little of this, little of that

The Princess had her ultrasound last Tuesday. It was a good thing I took the night off from work. Our appt was at 3:30 but we weren't seen until after 4. We didn't get home until after 5:30! The surgeon was amazed by how well she's doing. She's still on amoxicillin for another 6 weeks *groan* but then she's off. Her next ultrasound is in March and hopefully he will tell us that she will never need amoxicillin again!

We had our first big snowstorm. She did not go outside at all but watched from the window. SkyWalker and I decided to hang up our Christmas lights during the snow on Thursday. Then we went out and played yesterday. I pulled him in the sled and nearly broke my back. We're supposed to be getting a lot more tomorrow. I'm hoping the library will be smart and not even open and I can spend the day at home watching Vader pull SkyWalker on the sled as I sip hot chocolate and read a book (yes I'm dreaming).

My sister was supposed to close on her house yesterday. I'm assuming she did... she won't move in until after Christmas because they're going to do some work. My brother and sister-in-law did the same thing. We started moving in the day we closed. Were we stupid? We sure as hell don't have the time to fix things now. We did redo our bedroom--put in wood floors and painted--but that was it. Granted we were paying rent and needed to get out of an apartment. But still... I LOVE my house. Everyone knows how much I love my house. But there's so much to do. I hate wallpaper. There's wallpaper in the living room going up the stairs, all over the kitchen, and in the bathroom. We'd need to rip that all off and paint. I hate the tiles in our bathroom and would love to have bigger tiles that would be easier to clean. And while I'm dreaming... I would love to convert our garage into a new living room, make our living room a playroom, and build a new garage that would really be a 2 car instead of a 1 1/2 like it is now. And maybe convert the attic into another room because I don't know what we'll do if we have 3 kids the same gender. I suppose we could convert our office downstairs into another room. But we don't have the time or the skills to do anything ourselves and we don't have the money to pay people. Or help from anyone else. Maybe someday we'll have more money and can actually do what we'd like. I'm tempted to tell SkyWalker to rip the wallpaper off so we'd be forced to replace it....

I went to the Christmas Tree Shop to get an apple peeler that one of my friends has. I turned right around and walked out of the store. What was I thinking going to to the CHRISTMAS Tree Shop in DECEMBER? I'll have to wait until the holidays are over. I really wanted that damn apple peeler though. I think SkyWalker can use it himself and it would make things easier. He likes his apples peeled and sliced and this does both. I also want to get to JoAnn's and buy a Christmas village. The little ones--5 inches--are cheap. And they have a library building this year. Maybe after soccer on Friday.

I'm not drinking enough water. It's so hard in the winter. I had another headache the other morning that was turning into a migraine and I'm pretty sure it's from not having enough water and having too much caffeine (even decaf tea has caffeine). I think my "supply" is also going down, partly from the Princess eating SO MUCH food, but also from not having enough water. I'm going to have to force myself to drink water everyday. And then a cup of hot chocolate to warm up.

Pumping break is over.... back to "work."

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QotD: En Route

What is your daily commute like?  What is the weirdest thing you've seen on that commute? 
Submitted by E. 

First I pass the guest bathroom, then the couch and then I have to travel up the stairs. The weirdest thing I've seen would be a living room already straightened up--when *I* haven't done it. Doesn't happen too often... 

;-)

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Faith

What do you call it when an agnostic/atheist starts doubting her beliefs? Would that still be a crisis of faith? ;-)

I made my communion and went to religion for as long as I was forced to (not long) but I was never a "true believer" and have been agnostic for as long as I can really remember. But now... I find myself needing something more. Perhaps it's being a mother, perhaps it's my husband losing his father and not knowing what to say to my son. Perhaps it's just getting older and realizing my own mortality. In any event, when I lay awake at night unable to sleep because I am having yet another panic episode in which I realize that I will one day die and I am so terrified that I will die in my sleep that I just don't let myself fall asleep, I would really like to be able to believe in *something*.

I know I don't believe in any man-made church and I don't believe in religion and its rules. But maybe I don't have to. Maybe I can believe in some higher power, something responsible for all of us, who will accept everyone with open arms, regardless of religion or faith. Something greater than we are. *Something*.  

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One more thing

Because so many of you first started reading about this on my LJ, I feel the need to update you all here (since I never remember to even log in over there anymore!). FIL is officially on hospice. He is not getting any active treatment for the cancer. He is continuing the fluids that he has been receiving, which is good. If he were to stop the fluids he would be dead in a couple of weeks. He only has one functioning kidney and he just can't keep up with all of the drinking to keep himself hydrated and flush his system... Since he is continuing the fluids he will just get weaker and weaker until his heart eventually gives out. I would not be surprised if he decides after Christmas to stop the fluids, but I could be wrong. They can't say how long it will take but I think months rather than years is likely. He's on pain medication now which seems to be helping a little bit. The important thing is that there is a nurse there everyday and one always on call so MIL will never have to decide if he should go to the hospital or not. She just calls the nurse and the nurse comes and decides. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts over the years... especially the academy (you know who you are).

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Yawn

I think I mentioned the Princess was being weaned from her swaddle last week. After a week of 30-45 min naps I said "Screw that, yo" and promptly swaddled her back up and enjoyed 1 1/2 hour naps. I think the 2 hour naps of the past are gone just because she's older. Today did not go as well because... well... I overslept this morning. I started her out late and put her down for a nap at the same time and she is so clearly a textbook baby--if she needs 2 1/2 hours of activity time before a nap and she only gets 2 hours she will not nap longer than 45 mins. So then she was a mess the rest of the day. She's also becoming more aware of the world around her and waking when SkyWalker yells "Yes that's the cup I want" at the top of the stairs. SkyWalker has also not napped the last 2 days,  but he has stayed in his room and had "quiet-as quiet as he can be-time." The Princess is definitely getting older and sometimes I forget to stop and listen to her. She needs more awake time... but she also needs to be swaddled! She's moving SO much now that in the middle of her nap when she naturally stirs at the 45 min mark she wakes herself up and flips over and then she'll never fall back to sleep. She was in the pack n play before I left for work today and she was trying SO hard to get her little heiney in the air so she could crawl. She's been scooting backwards and sitting up (when I put her in that position) and playing with toys and just developing so much lately. I feel like I missed this stage with SkyWalker because I was at work. Sure I was home with him on the weekends, but weekends were full of laundry and chores and *stuff*. I love that I'm home now to witness all the firsts--to see her becoming this little person. And to see SkyWalker turning into a big talking boy who loves to be involved in anything even if it's cleaning the toilet.

Speaking of SkyWalker's talking... yesterday he was wearing just underwear and he pulls his pee-pee out of the side. He's ecstatic at the idea that he can have access without pulling down his underwear. Then he says that he's going to pee like that, like Daddy. Then he says "Daddy has a big pee-pee," shakes his head, "No, Daddy has a big penis." and I laughed and laughed and laughed. Which of course means that he will say it again, probably to his grandmother. Won't that be funny?

Bee and Boogie came for a playdate last week. She nicely ignored the fine layer of dust that covers everything in my house except for the children who move too much for it to settle on them... Boogie played SkyWalker's guitar and did really well and I had to laugh when his experience came from "Guitar Hero." He also recited his address and phone number. As paranoid as we are we have not taught SkyWalker this. He knows his town and state but that's it. We've been trying to rectify that this week. What have we taught him to say? "Bada bing bada boom" "Bababooey" "Prepare for the deluge" (I can't even explain that one).

It's a good thing I had a freezer full of milk... I am definitely pumping less than I used to. As I suspected when the Princess started cereal the stash has been reduced. I don't put anything new in anymore since it all goes to the cereal. So the freezer goes to her bottles when I'm at work. I think I'll be alright for another 6 months though. I think every breastfeeding mom just worries about supply.

Pumping break is over but I can't leave without the cat story... I looked out my back window today and saw something black in one of the trees. I thought it was a couple of birds or maybe a weird looking nest. I got out the binoculars and it was the pain in the ass cat who has been taunting my dogs! It was pretty high up. I kept watching it and waiting for nap time when I would do... I didn't know what. It was there for hours. It must have jumped from tree to tree and wound up on the other side of the yard, still in a tree. I brought the dogs out at naptime (so I can leave right when Vader gets home and not wait for him to take Isaac out like I used to) and the damn cat just walks right down the tree with no problem. I have no idea what it was doing up there for so long if it could get down or if it was just a coincidence that I brought the dogs out and it figured it out... It was the most exciting thing today. SkyWalker and I just watched it wondering what it would do. Good times. 

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It's the little things

that keep me sane.

During snack time SkyWalker and I discussed what he wanted to get Vader for Christmas. He said "train." I laughed. Here we go again. I said "Are you sure he wants a train?"
"Yes. Gordon. Daddy and SkyWalker like Gordon."
Then I said "What about a CD?"
"A CD??"
"Yeah. Music that he likes."
"We have one CD, we don't need two" as he holds up one finger for emphasis.

This from the boy who wanted to get another Stepney train for his father's birthday.

There's all sorts of crap going on with FIL that I don't want to get into here. Short version: I don't think there's much time left.

The Princess has been rolling over on her tummy at naptime. What's so unusual about that? She's still FULLY SWADDLED. This is supposed to be impossible. At the very least it is not safe. So I've begun the unswaddling process... I tried cold turkey yesterday and nearly went insane. Today I've been leaving one arm out. It took her over an hour to fall asleep for her second nap. It was not a pleasant afternoon.

For those of you dying to know... I have chosen the celadon color for my matron of honor dress. Now I need to find a little dress in the same color for the Princess. Because I am one of "those moms."

Speaking of "those moms", I am wearing capris that don't look like capris because I'm so short and me legs are cold but I am wearing them anyway because SkyWalker picked them out. He picks out my clothes for work. Usually he's pretty good, but he insisted on the capris today. And a black sparkly shirt that he's been eyeing all week.

Both of them were up last night. I am SO TIRED. That is the hardest part about having two kids...trying to synchronize naps so you can get something done... hoping that they both sleep through the night. If one does, the other is up for some reason. Last night they alternated. It was ridiculous.

We need to leave the house at 8:45 tomorrow morning to make it to soccer on time. I will be getting home around 9:30 tonight, watching Scrubs and the Office and I'll need to shower. Argh. I hope they sleep tonight...

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Carpe Diem

All summer long I wore nursing camis. They were WONDERFUL. Easy.

Cami

I just undid the hook at the top, and I was ready to go. No playing with flaps or underlayers or any of that crap. But now, it is winter. And I am cold. Sigh. I cannot wear these without turning my heat up to 80 and I'm not ready to go there yet. I do have double zip sweaters (zip up from the bottom) and I wear these under them or a nursing bra, but it's just not the same. I need one of my knitting friends to knit me a sweater that's like the cami--that pulls down from the top. I'm pretty sure this is impossible. But I'm also pretty sure that if it's not impossible, one of my knitting friends could do it. They're pretty good.

The Princess had her check-up today. She is 15 pounds, 15 ounces, 25 and 3/4 inches. 50% both height and weight. She's slowed down in her weight gain (which is normal for breastfed babies and totally fine since she was getting to be a chunky monkey). She's got eczema just like big brother and Daddy. But doing just fine. SkyWalker got his flu shot without any crying. He winced, said "That hurt!" but took it like a big boy. I was so proud of him. Having Daddy there helped though.

You know when you start to feel bad for yourself and do a lot of complaining and then you hear something that makes you stop and say "What the hell am I feeling bad for??" One of my friends lost her uncle (father's brother) the other night--car crash. The very next day another uncle, also her father's brother, had an apparent heart attack and died in his sleep. He was making funeral arrangements. So now her poor father has lost TWO brothers in just TWO days. Can you even imagine? How horrible is that? My heart goes out to their entire family.

Carpe diem man. Carpe Diem.

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Little late

I got tagged by Bee back in October... oops.

Four Jobs I Have Had In My Life:

librarian
book store assistant manager
library page
um, yeah, that's it.

Four Movies I Would Watch Over and Over:

Something About Mary
40 Year Old Virgin
The Princess Bride
Anchorman

Four Places I Have Lived:

No
Way
In
Hell

Four TV Shows I Watch:

Heroes -- http://www.nbc.com/Heroes/
The Office -- http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/
How I Met Your Mother
Scrubs

Four Places I Have Been:

Hawaii
Poconos
NYC
Boston

Four of My Favorite Foods:

spaghetti and turkey balls (if I make it)
pizza 
baked ziti (if I make it)
cheese cake. :-)

Four Sites I Visit Daily:

gmail.com
vox.com
hotmail.com
private bulletin board of may/june moms

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:

i'm already home...
someplace warm.
a beach
Texas.

Four Bloggers I Tag:
Nope. I'm a non-tagger. I break all the rules. ;-) 

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Stuffy

My head is stuffy. My throat hurts. How could I have gotten sick? I leave my fortress of a home so very little... sigh... the kids are not sick. So it must be this damn library that I work at a measly 2 nights a week. Bah! I was just remarking that this is the healthiest we have EVER been. The Princess is 6 months and has yet to have a cold... SkyWalker has been healthy in the same amount of time--no daycare does the trick. We do go to soccer and storytime, but I think daycare is the real culprit in the cold wars. Anyway, after feeding the Princess this morning and eating my own breakfast I went back to bed for an hour and a half. My throat feels a bit better but I still have that stuffy feeling. Naturally since Thanksgiving is coming up.

I've come to the conclusion that life is just too short for bullshit. For grudges and misunderstandings. For petty little problems. It's time to seize the day.

FIL is supposed to be released today. He's being sent home with fluids that MIL will have to give through a port. His left tube has been implanted but the right kidney is still not working and they're just leaving it alone. And that's all I know about that. I find myself thanking the FSM that MIL is healthy and can do all of this. I don't know what we'd do if she were to get sick as well... well, I do know, we'd have to consider a live-in nurse or nursing home or hospice, whatever. I can't take care of 2 kids, 2 dogs, and in-laws.

Vader has taken the whole week off and I am so excited. My original plan was to spend the entire day tomorrow cleaning. That may change depending on how I feel when I wake up. At least I'll get some more laundry done and maybe just the kitchen. The kids have their flu shots on Tuesday, as well as the Princess's 6 month checkup, and Vader is going with us. I was NOT going to take 2 kids for flu shots by myself. No thank you.

I am waiting for Bagel to come with a donut. Doesn't that sound funny?

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Tick Tock

This has been the longest Saturday ever. Probably not *ever*, but you know what I mean. If I were home right now I would be saying, "I can't believe it's after 3 already! I have so much more to do!" But alas, I am working and I am saying "I can't believe it's only 3!"

I just love parents who think the library is free daycare. And that I am a secretary who will go looking for a kid... if you're that concerned how about you come to the library with him? Instead of dumping him for HOURS?

Our playdate yesterday went well. We enjoyed ourselves and SkyWalker said he wanted to go back, so that's good. It's funny though, whenever I say "we're going to go play with [whoever it may be]" he says "okay. and littleman?". Sigh.

I've fixed the Princess's sleeping problem (eating at night... not eating during the day... then eating at night), but now she likes to wake up at 5:30, roll over to her tummy and SCREAM until Vader goes upstairs to roll her back over. Once she's rolled over she's usually okay to go back to sleep. I hope she remembers how to roll over to her back soon... she did that first but once she started rolling to her tummy there was no stopping her and she just forgot how to fix herself. Vader has to go up though because if she sees me she'll only want one thing. At least that's what I'm telling him...

We've gotten SkyWalker to say "Bada Bing Bada Boom." It is HILARIOUS.

We are leaving at 7 am on Wednesday morning. I think I might be crazy. But it works better for the kids to travel in the morning. We have 10:30 ferry reservations and hopefully we'll make them. SkyWalker did okay last time, not needing to stop and pee so it should be okay. If it's early enough he hasn't had a full day of drinking...

Pumping break is over... back to "work."

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Classification

SkyWalker has been practicing his sorting, classification and labeling skills. I.E yelling "That man has a bald head" in the middle of Denny's. Or storytime. I suppose I should be glad that in storytime he did not say "That man has a black bald head."

He loves to group people by their similarities--usually involving hair--but is also big into labeling boys and girls, men and women. The funniest though was this afternoon during snack time. I was telling him that I still needed to get ready for work and he said "No, Mommy NOT need to go to work." I said "Oh yeah, who's gonna pay the bills? You?" and his response was "No, my not a woman!" What the hell?? Only women pay bills? That's the funniest nonsensical stereotype I have ever heard.

I am mostly done with my Christmas shopping and those that I haven't bought for I at least know what I'm doing for them. I bought my Christmas Eve pajamas for myself, as well as the slippers I asked Vader for since I saw them while I was shopping. I've asked him to do my stocking and to get me one thing that's a surprise. He has no idea what to get me. None. I could walk around in a bathrobe with holes in it and he would not think to get me a new robe. I could say "Wow, I wish I had a cheesy bracelet with my kids names on it" and he would not think to get it. Unless I say "Buy this for me" and give him explicit directions, he just doesn't pick up on "clues." And even if there aren't actual things that I could use (like a nice new black bathrobe) or want (like a cheese bracelet), I am OBSESSED with Buffy and Wonder Woman. At the very least he could get me some silly Buffy thing and I would be happy.

The Princess is 6 months old today. I can't believe that 6 months have actually passed... it seems like just yesterday. We celebrated by making out, our usual afternoon activity. The problem with making out with a 6 month old is that she takes it too seriously and always tries to stick her tongue in my mouth. Or spit up on me. That was gross. Oh, gross that's a g-word. Anyway, she loves it when I kiss her neck and chin and she giggles and it is the best thing in the world. No, the best thing in the world is when she sneezes and farts at the same time. THAT is hilarious.

One of Vader's friends has volunteered to feed the dogs in the evening and MIL will do it in the morning, so it looks like we'll make it to Thanksgiving on LI.  Which is good since I need to have my "measurements" taken for my matron of honor dress. I need to decide on a color since I'm not too fond of the buttercup yellow that the other girls are wearing...  consensus seems to be with a light green or blue... I need to go through the 18 or 19 suggestions of my friends and see which one wins out. ;-)

There is a bag of cheese doodles on Bee's chair. I swear to you, it is calling to me. I'm trying to ignore it, but, oh, the temptation is strong.

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Perspective

My best friend is a million miles away. Or so it seems. But, we live in an age of e-mail and cell phones and blogs and there are things in the air that take you places.

Yesterday was a holiday. In the past I would have had to work since the library does not believe in holidays. But not anymore... so instead of working and watching other people enjoy the day off with their families, the entire Jedi clan went to the science museum. SkyWalker loved having his Daddy there (although he did mention Littleman), the Princess actually slept for 30 minutes !in public!. And earlier that day SkyWalker swept the garage with his Daddy. We ate dinner together. It was lovely.

The neighbor canceled our playdate yesterday so we'll have to set up a new one. But we have others lined up with our old friends (who have a son SkyWalker's age and are in the same school district).

SkyWalker did wonderful at storytime today. He did ask if Littleman would be there, but he didn't let his absence stop him from having a good time. He stood up and danced and answered questions and walked AWAY FROM ME to dance with other kids. It was thrilling.

After storytime we went to Wal-Mart so SkyWalker could pick out a Christmas present for his sister.  He really wanted a Winnie the pooh rattle like the Tigger rattle she already has but they didn't have it. So he settled on a regular rattle and a Pooh doll. It was so cute seeing him looking and having him say that "she needs a Pooh rattle".

When we got home and the Princess took a nap we went outside. We crammed everything we could into half an hour. He had to pee so he dropped his pants to pee in the grass. I was holding him and pushing his heiney so he wouldn't pee on his shoes... and he farted into my hand. Twice. Good times.

But they are good times... I am home with my children. I can enjoy the day instead of hear about it from someone else. For the first time in AGES I am not worried about the winter. If it's snowing, I'm already home. I just have to worry about staying warm when he wants to play outside. And I'm sure I will feel bad for The Nice Librarian and Bee but if it's snowing and there's any kind of accumulation there's really just no way I'll make it to work... for Vader to leave his high paying job early enough to come home and plow so I can drive for an hour to work 3 1/2 hours makes no sense. And if it's bad enough for him to leave early, it's too bad for me to drive. So for the first time I'm just not worrying about snow. If I can't get out of my driveway and there's no one home to watch the kids, um, yeah, I'm not going in.

I have a wonderful group of friends who may be scattered throughout the country, but are close in more important ways. We share secrets and support each other.

I have great co-workers... who are friends... even if we'll never be able to do anything because they're always working. ;-)

And I have wonderful siblings. Siblings that make me miss Long Island. And who the hell would miss Long Island?

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Impossible Christmas wish list

1. My best friend to be in the same zip code again.
2. To live closer to my family. But not in the same zip code. There's only so much of them I can take. ;-) (Damn siblings reading my blog)
3. Isaac to heal completely so I can kick him out of the house.
4. A mute button for the dogs. And I guess for the kids too.
5. My husband to have siblings.

Yes, I am dreaming, why do you ask?

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Poop

It's hard to stay positive when the universe keeps deficating on me.

While attempting to take Isaac outside yesterday and keep SkyWalker inside, I slammed my finger into the back door. There is still a good deal of pain. Having gone through labor I will not say it's a great deal of pain, but it hurts. I took a nice little chunk of my skin off and that stings but the knuckle itself must be bruised as well. While walking Isaac and calling him a sonofabitch I stepped in dog poop.

On the way to soccer today a pebble/rock hit my window and there is a now a chip in it. Hopefully it will not spread.

The new tires for the van will cost $200. A tire.

The Princess was up all night again last night. I think she might be reacting to the pears though so I'm experimenting with that theory tonight. I can't believe we made it out of the house on time this morning for soccer. I am TIRED.

The good news is that FIL is doing much better. After a couple of days of dialysis the toxins appear to be out of his blood and he's lucid and holding conversations with people who are actually talking to him. His right kidney is still not draining well but it's being flushed on a regular basis and no one is talking about taking it out yet. He's still in a lot of pain from the cancer in his spine.

SkyWalker and I have a playdate on Monday with the neighbor. We're also setting up a weekly playdate with some old friends of ours. Although he still mentions Littleman and says that he "just likes Littleman" he will almost always come around and agree to play with someone else. It won't be the same but I don't think we'd want it to be.

And instead of automatically saying that we wouldn't be going to a friend's wedding because of traveling (short one) or the kids or whatever excuse, I am actually planning on going. It helps that she's kind enough to invite the kids as well. Anything can happen that will prevent us from making it, but I'm starting out with the idea that yes, we will be there.

It's all baby steps.

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Time

marches on whether I want it to or not.

It has been a week since Halloween. I think yesterday was the first day that I did not cry. I was doing well on Sunday, or was it Monday, when SkyWalker asked once again about Texas and wanting to go there. And then he asked me to run around pulling a toy telephone while he ran around pulling a toy dog, one of their favorite activities to do together... and I got choked up but managed to hold it in. I don't think a day has gone by that he has not mentioned littleman at least once. Since he is still talking about meaningless things that happened 8 months ago, I don't think he'll stop talking about his best friend any time soon. I knew Monday would be hard... we always did dinner on Mondays... and sure enough the sobbing began in the shower. I did make it most of the day though.

Vader continues to spend all his free time at the hospital while I stay home and take care of the kids and the dogs from morning till night.

I have never felt so alone in my life.

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Habits

I've been thinking a lot about JustKeepGoing and her snacking in front of the TV problem. I have the same problem but I'm not trying to lose weight so it's not a "problem". Growing up we ALWAYS watched TV as a family (good thing) and we ALWAYS had snacks (maybe not a good thing). Pretzels, potato chips, popcorn, whatever. I find it difficult to watch TV without having something to eat. Unless I'm at the movies because it's too expensive, but when do I go to the movies now? I digress... The other day it dawned on me that I may be leading SkyWalker and the Princess on the same path. I only let him watch a limited amount of television. Most of the time that is when I need to feed the Princess and it's easier/safer to have him on the couch next to me. This also tends to be during snack times. So we're snacking in front of the TV. It's gotten to the point that he doesn't just ask to watch Caillou, he asks for TOAST and Caillou. Or crackers and Curious George. And the entire time I am nursing the Princess, but I am less worried about that--she's not really watching the TV. I've started trying to break the eating and TV connection but it's a bit of a pain in the neck. 

FIL had his procedure today. He had stents (I think that's what my husband said) put in, coming from his kidneys to bags outside his body. He's on dialysis now to help speed up the removal of the toxins in his blood. We're on a "wait and see" basis now as to when he can come home. Apparently he's been really out of it mentally and they hope that the dialysis will help this. It appears that something is wrong with his right kidney--it's not draining like it should. But once again, there's no definitive information as of yet.

Pumping break over...

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Some days

I have been a mom for over 3 years now. I have been a MSAHM for almost 6 months. And there are still some days that I feel like I just don't know what I'm doing. Usually those are the days that follow sleepless nights.

The Princess was up at 11ish, 12, 1 (I went up then and rocked her and gave her a paci and put her back down), 2 (I fed her this time), 3:30 (Daddy did who knows what), some other time I can't remember, 6:15 (I fed her at 6:30 and put her back down) and 8 for the day. She barely ate breakfast (most unusual these days). She slept in the swing for 20 minutes and when I put her upstairs for her nap (after feeding her a top-up feed) she slept for a good... 30 minutes maybe? Crying. I took her temp and it's only 99.7 (rectally) but I gave her tylenol anyway because she is just not herself. I don't think this is a reaction to her surgery. I think she'd have a much higher fever if it were an infection. Her incision looks fine and is healing well. She's peeing a lot. I am afraid that this is all about that dreaded t-word, but I shan't be saying that word since I said it for MONTHS with SkyWalker and he didn't get his first tooth until he was a year old.

I am beyond exhausted. SkyWalker is being a pain in the ass. He is still in pajamas and I don't care. He didn't brush his teeth until 11 am. The dogs are growling at each other. Isaac is doing his normal bark at the wind routine. I would like to silence them all and sleep for a few weeks. I have to find the time to vote today. I have to work tonight. Vader is at the hospital with his father who is getting stents put in to help his swollen kidneys.

If I can't go to my family for Thanksgiving and be taken care of for a few days I will go absolutely crazy.

SkyWalker is jumping around like a lunatic (he only had 3 skittles. it can't be the skittles. i hate Halloween). I am about to eat my pizza without him. The Princess is finally sleeping but who knows for how long. I really do not need her being sick. How could she get sick? We don't go anywhere! We haven't left the house since last Thursday! She can't be sick.

Oh. And my water is coming out black now.

Thank the FSM for good TV. Heroes, How I Met Your Mother, Scrubs and The Office are all getting me through this week.

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Reminders

There are reminders everywhere.

"That [littleman's] chair... cup..." "That [SkyWalker's] truck, that [littleman's] truck". That's even worse.

I thought SkyWalker had stopped asking to see littleman "morrow" because he had switched to saying "my want [littleman] to come back some other day." but once again this morning he asked for tomorrow.

We don't have the benefit of a new place with new distractions and family reunions. We are the ones left behind. We are the ones that need to carry on and pretend the emptiness doesn't exist.

When we got our playset I made sure we bought a toddler swing even though we already had one. Not for the Princess. For littleman. Even though I've been expecting the "we're moving" conversation for most of the last 5 years. I clearly still had hope that it wouldn't happen.

Maybe that's why it hurts even more. On the surface they are moving to Texas to be with family who need them now. That is why they are moving to Texas... not why they are moving. If it had not been for this family need they may not  be going there, it may not be now. But it would have come eventually. Maybe in another year, just enough time for the Princess to fall in love with them too. And naturally that leads me to wonder what I could have done to change things. What more did I have to do? Why wasn't I enough to keep them here? Why aren't we enough to make them come back?

These are the thoughts that haunt me as I cry myself to sleep and try to rebuild the wall that once kept me strong.

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And so it begins

It was an appropriately gloomy day today. As it should be since my sunshine is gone.

I am eating lots of Halloween candy. This is not good.

Both of my children slept until 8 this morning. Well, the Princess was up at 6:30, ate, fell asleep in my arms and stayed asleep when I put her in the crib at 7. Normally I would love them to sleep until 8 but we had to leave for soccer at 8:45 and they both needed to eat breakfast. I rushed around, got them out on time, got to soccer... and SkyWalker refused to play because there was a new coach. And he was a brat about it too. So we left after all the nonsense getting out of the house to begin with. We went to the store to get more peaches and pears for the Princess. He was perfectly well behaved. No running, no nonsense. He held the basket and stayed with me the entire time and smiled at people and everyone beamed at him as he walked by. So I can't be too mad at him, but ugh. We're going back next week and he will participate whether he wants to or not.

FIL is still in the hospital. He had a GI scan done this morning but we won't know the results until who knows when. He's very nauseous which is why they did the scan. He's on anti-nausea meds which makes him out of it. Apparently he was sleeping the entire time Vader visited yesterday. It's not looking good to me but I'm not a doctor and I'm a bit of a pessimist...  

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The letter of the week is H

for Halloween and Heartache.

Tomorrow, Halloween, my life as I have known it for quite a long time will come to an end. Shinesalot is leaving. Moving to Texas. Might as well be China. I remember being all upset 3 years ago when SkyWalker was first born and I thought she would be moving to New Jersey. How ironic that I would LOVE New Jersey now.

I cannot breathe when I think about this. I cannot stop crying. Pretty sure Vader heard me sobbing the shower last night. When SkyWalker hears me sniffle after I sneeze he says "Mommy crying again?".

It's hard to explain. It's not just a friend moving away. There's so much more. It's beyond words. It's easy to make acquaintances. Easy to make friends that you would go to a bar with. Or maybe even have dinner, or a playdate with. It's hard to make friends with people you would trust your children with and that is the difference here. It's hard to make friends that become your family. That become an essential part of your life.

I told SkyWalker last night that his little buddy would be moving to Texas. He said "My go to Texas too?" I said No. Then he said "My go to storytime with [littleman] after Texas?" And I just cried.

It's not just my pain. It's his as well. Because he's old enough now to understand that he's not seeing his best friend, but not old enough to understand why. Or when he might see him again, because we don't even know that. And I think that's the hardest part. If I could say, we just need to get through the next year, or the next 2 years, and then they'll be back here and you'll go to school together and go to the prom and be on the soccer team together... but I can't say that. Because I don't think there will be an end to this. Sure, maybe when they visit family on the east coast they might stop as they drive by, but I don't believe they will be moving back here. I think the lure of some big city somewhere will be too much.

This is the worst thing. Ever. When I was long distance with Vader it sucked but I knew there was an end. With everything in my life that was bad I could always see the end. But this? I don't see the end. And so I begin my grieving process. I've gone through the denial all summer. I'm bounced between the anger and the depression. Bargaining doesn't work when you have no one to bargain with. The last stage? Acceptance? Just don't see it happening.

I've locked this post because I don't need the whole world calling me to make sure I'm not killing myself. Luckily I have children who will make me get out of bed even when that's the last thing I want to do.

I need to stop pumping and start breathing again.

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Dear PBS Kids

I'm one of those parents who actually watches TV with her child. Even if I'm on the laptop... I'm sitting right next to him on the couch answering his questions and interacting with him. When I had to watch the same Caillou episodes a million times I thought hmm, that's funny, there must not be very many episodes. Then I started noticing that out of the 3 vignettes in an episode only 1 would be new and the other 2 would be from other episodes. When you watch every day you notice these things. Imagine my surprise when we started DVR'ing Curious George and the same exact episodes are repeated week by week. If you're going to play a TV show EVERY SINGLE DAY, have more than 30 episodes to choose from. And if you have to repeat, maybe you can wait more than a week? Or here's a cooky thought, just don't show them every day. Twice a day. I know you get away with it because kids don't really give a crap about watching the same thing over and over again and again. And most parents use the TV as a babysitter so they wouldn't care. But I'm not a kid and I'm not most parents and I need a little variety. Thanks so much.
****

The Princess had her first taste of peaches this morning. I couldn't get the spoon to her mouth fast enough. She has had a couple of successful poops so hopefully it is doing it's job. I've done things so much quicker with her than with SkyWalker but it's not like I'm shoving it done her throat. I didn't even want to give her cereal. But she's hard to refuse. And I really didn't want to be feeding her every 2 hours like a newborn!
****

The FIL is still in the hospital since last Friday. The earliest he'll be discharged is this Friday. His kidneys are still swollen, don't look normal. They had to catheterize him again. They want a kidney specialist to take a look at him now since they still don't look normal after being there with a catheter for days. What will probably happen is that he'll have to catheterize himself (i.e. MIL will have to do it) on a regular basis. It's not related to the cancer at all--it's just a problem with the new bladder. But he only has a new bladder because of cancer in the old one so I guess it really *is* related.
****

SkyWalker was wearing his snowsuit around the house yesterday. Refused to take it off. And then decided he needed to "shave" so he took everything off and walked around with no shirt on. Today he is sitting on the couch wearing nothing but underwear and socks. I guess I should be grateful he is wearing underwear.
***

If Isaac is not allowed outside by himself soon I might lose my mind.

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Memory, or lack thereof

I know I had a whole funny bit about how SkyWalker will one day get kicked out of school and how it's all my fault, but now I can only remember one example. Which does not constitute a whole bit. Damn this sieve-like brain.

When he burps or farts instead of saying "excuse me" like all of the other robots in this country, he says "My farted!" and I say "Good one!" and give him a thumbs up. If it happens unexpectedly we also giggle as a family.

There was so much more to it than that. Oh well. Someday I'll remember.

After soccer today (in which Coach Ian informed us that he sprained his ankle and cannot play so there's a new coach and SkyWalker said he wanted to wait for "Coach Ian's boo-boo to go away" but then decided to play anyway), we all went to Target to get Vader a birthday card and a present (from SkyWalker). SkyWalker insisted that Vader should have a Stepney train. SkyWalker already has a Stepney train so he said "two Stepneys". I was not going to buy another one knowing that Vader will just say "Here ya go" and give it right back to him. But we went to the train section anyway and damnit they had Toby so Mommy had to buy Toby instead of waiting for Christmas. Then I thought SkyWalker could give Vader a matchbox car since all of his cars were originally his Daddy's and wouldn't it be cute for him to give his Daddy a new one. He picked out a fire helicopter (hmmm... two things that SkyWalker loves...) and when we got home he had to try it out. It is now his. He suckered me into buying two new toys today! And a new set of beads because he is a freak who loves cheap beads and there are only so many times I'm going to glue a set of beads that cost less than 50 cents.

Does knowing your blog audience change what you write? Or how you write it? I've always tried to forget that I have an audience at all... although if I didn't want it to be read it would be locked or completely private so some part of me must have realized that someone out there would read it.  Obviously when people comment on posts I know there's an audience, but when you know that audience in real life does it change things? Do you censor yourself? Or do you just pretend to not know and write what you would have written anyway? I think I do the latter.

And with that thought, here's what my son said to me as I was getting him dressed this morning: "Mommy has big nipples [I often pump at breakfast now and he's fond of saying "What's Mommy's nipple doing??" before I can get my shirt down. I do not know why he thinks I have big nipples. His father's are MUCH bigger.] My kiss Mommy's big nipples??" Obviously I said NO but he thought it was hilarious and tried to tackle me.

And that is probably another reason why he'd get kicked out of school.

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Pause

Ever wish you had a pause button for life? I swear this week has gone by in a matter of seconds.

The Princess had her surgery on Monday. She did very well. It was a bit more complicated than originally thought--apparently the bad ureter was going into the urethra and not the bladder at all. So instead of re-routing the bad one onto the good one, they took both (since they were very closely attached to each other as well) and moved them both into a more appropriate spot on the bladder. The bad ureter was kinked a lot and this was the best way to fix it. There's a 95% chance that this will fix everything and she won't have problems in the future.

When we first saw her after the surgery she was so puffy from the fluids in the IV that I almost didn't recognize her. It was hard seeing her like that and I couldn't pick her up right away. Luckily she was very calm and actually trying to smile. The nurse handed her to me and I was able to nurse her immediately, unlike SkyWalker who was too weak to nurse. That was good. And she lost the puffiness pretty quickly. She was up ALL night long and when she wasn't nursing, her little roommate was crying (with no Mommy to console him). Or the nurses were in and out giving meds. I did not sleep and am still trying to catch up. She's been up every night this week. We started her on cereal yesterday and I hope to be back on routine starting Monday. Having my mom here this week was a huge help and yet one more reminder of how far away I am.

The news on the FIL is not so good... a cat scan showed a mass (carcinoma) on his spine so now he has to have radiation for 10 weeks and then follow up with more chemo. MIL mentioned that they are working on "just eliminating his pain" right now. Which doesn't sound very promising to me... but nothing is ever said directly.

One of our pipes has yet another leak and it looks like we will have to have major work done one way or another. Good times.

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Curious George

We had a Curious George birthday party for SkyWalker's first birthday. He didn't know who CG was and didn't care, but we liked monkeys. Sometime within the last year when Nana was visiting she read him a Winnie the Pooh story that was a bit too long for me... so I suggested a CG story from his book, A Treasury of Curious George.

A Treasury of Curious George

All of a sudden he loved CG. We had to read it every night. We got sick of reading the same stories over and over and there are only so many books I'm going to check out of the library, so we asked for two more books for his 3rd birthday. The New Adventures of Curious George and the Complete Adventures of Curious George. When I started looking into it I discovered the one we had, the Treasure one was not "original". They were newer stories. As are the New Adventures. And some reviews were all "boo, these are not originals and therefore bad". So I decided to get the Complete Adventures too since those stories are the originals from 60 years ago. Guess what? They are LONG, meandering, and boring. I much prefer the newer CG stories when the title of the story actually has something to do with the plot. In CG Flies a Kite he starts out kicking a ball, then he lets some rabbits out of a cage and loses a bunny and has to find the bunny, then he goes fishing, then he finally flies a kite and gets blown away and has to be rescued by the Man in the Yellow Hat who never properly supervises him anyway. It's 50 some odd pages and I'm looking for the damn kite the entire time. I can't believe that *I'm* saying that, but for bedtime read alouds I groan every time he reaches for the Complete Adventures and wants to read CG goes to the hospital for the 50 millionth time.

I just realized that I better get a book to bring to the hospital with me on Monday, particularly since I am staying with the Princess by myself Monday night. I don't know how much sleeping I'll be able to do. I need a nice fluffy book that doesn't require much focus...I don't think I did any reading when SkyWalker had his surgery but that was only a couple of hours and wasn't an overnight recovery. I still can't believe that this is happening on Monday. It's good to get it over with and I'm glad I don't have to worry about Thanksgiving getting messed up. But it just seems so soon. Then again we've known this was a possibility since my 20 week ultrasound.

The best friend is moved out of her house. I passed it today on my way to work and managed not to cry. She's been 8 minutes away for so long now...and now she's not and this is just the first part. I don't want to even think about next month, and therefore I am not.

So I think I have indirectly gotten my closure*. It's sad that nearly 7 years of friendship is just over like that, but I guess that's just the way it is.

*Note, I am NOT talking about best friend. Silly people.

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Pajamas

It is 8:14 and I am in pajamas. The same pajamas I wore to bed last night and have yet to take off. To be fair to myself I decided that today would be Pajama Day as the letter of the week is Letter P. We had pancakes for lunch. We did P-crafts (princesses and pigs and painting) and it was a fun day despite the fact that I got no cleaning done again and SkyWalker did not nap again and by bedtime he was a Pain in my ass. He YELLED at me that he needed more toast, more applesauce, more whatever. He did not get it so he YELLED about that. He yelled at bedtime so I threw him in his room at 6:45 without a bath or books and he cried and cried and finally he calmed down and asked to take a bath with the Princess and since he was filthy I decided to relent and let him. I got them both in bed before 8, took Isaac out, fed both the dogs and am now blogging instead of doing the dishes. Vader is food shopping and the dogs are intermittently barking and I would like some peace. Hey, Peace, that's a P-word.

We went to the Planetarium on Monday and it was great fun. We went to storytime yesterday and he actually danced and enjoyed himself. Tomorrow is soccer and then another week is over. It feels like it was just the summer... I have over 200 pictures on my camera and they are just from September. Or mostly from September. It's just amazing how much time has flown by.

I've been thinking a lot about housekeeping, homemaking, whatever you want to call it. I printed out a list from real simple of what should be cleaned and how often. And I started to feel even worse about my homemaking--I don't wash my curtains once a year let alone every 3 months--and then I remembered why I'm really home. It's not so I can have the cleanest bathrooms in town. It's not so I can learn how to cook. I'm home so I can be with my kids. In the long run it's more important for me to sit down and read Gossie over and over than it is for me to have a clean house. As long as I don't have ants and little critters eating off the floor I think I'm doing a good job.

The dogs are quiet. The children are sleeping. Even the donkeys are silent now. I'm sure it will be broken when Vader comes home and the dogs go nuts. But for now I'm enjoying listening to the sound of ... nothing.

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Closure

I mentioned a couple of posts back about wondering whether or not closure was needed when ending a friendship. Is it necessary to say "I am no longer friends with you and here's why..." or do you just let it fade away and avoid drama? If someone has done something that you just cannot condone, that crosses the line so much that you can't ignore it, that you can't pretend that it isn't happening, what do you do? Do you quietly walk away? Or do you confront your friend? Which is worse?

On to other topics...

I think part of the reason I've been getting headaches is from not eating enough. I'm eating the same I was before but the Princess is not. She's nearly doubled how much she's been nursing. I don't think I can hold out until 6 months to give her cereal. :-( This saddens me. I'm not starting it before her surgery though... which means that in the meantime it's all ME all the time.

It's funny to think that last October I was worried because Isaac was having his surgery (his first) and now I've got the Princess's surgery on Monday. I was also puking every day. Apparently October just sucks ass for me.

Moo time is over. Back to "work."

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Splitting

The letter of the week is letter S. SkyWalker has done S-crafts and sung S-songs. I did my share by getting an undeserved Speeding ticket and a Splitting headache. I would not wish a migraine on my worst enemy. It was so bad when I called in sick to work last night that I cried on the phone. And that was not even the worst of it. I went to bed at 6 and it hurt so bad that I didn't fall asleep until after 8. I couldn't take anything strong because of the breastfeeding. I wound up with a fever. I seriously thought about going to the damn hospital. I thought my head was going to split right open. Vader stayed home this morning so I went back to bed after breakfast. The migraine is gone but I still have the lingering after-headache. I need to call the doc and get something I can take that's safe for breastfeeding.

We have a date for the Princess's surgery. They're doing it on Monday October 15. I'm glad it will be done soon. Speaking of the Princess she is now Screaming--that's her participation in "S" week.

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He grew!

I don't know how much I've mentioned it on this blog, but SkyWalker is a bit of a skinny-minny. He was underweight at 6 months and while he started gaining weight again he never caught up. He still hasn't but it's nice to see that he is gaining something. We had our check up today and he's almost 37 inches tall and a whopping 27 pounds. Tee-hee. Poor boy will be in a booster seat until he's 15! He did great identifying the shapes for the vision test. He drew a line and a circle for the doctor. He did really well and was such a good boy. Until we got to the parking lot of course. Sigh. He has this problem whenever we get in the car to leave somewhere. He runs to the back of the van and I have to drag him into his carseat. I made a deal with him today that from now on I will tell him if he has time to play and if he does he can play and if he doesn't he has to get in his seat immediately. He remembers that the UPS truck delivered a book case 6 or 7 months ago. Let's see if he remembers our deal tomorrow.

The princess is rolling over like crazy. Unfortunately she's getting stuck on her tummy and crying at night. And then getting so awake that she gets hungry. I am looking forward to this phase being over. But I am completely and totally in love with her. So it's all good.

On Friday we went to an apple farm. Last week's letter of the week was "A", hence the apple farm. I had never been before. SkyWalker had a lot of fun. This week is Letter "S". We're going to the planetarium. But that starts with P, you say? Yes, but there's space and solar system and sky and sun and stars. And it's at the science museum. We'll probably go pumpkin picking during P week. After this week I can do whatever letters I want. I've been doing his name.

He had a good time at storytime today. The Princess was so distracted while trying to nurse I don't know what to do. I might wind up pumping before we leave home while she is still hopefully sleeping and then just giving her a bottle. At least she can turn her head then. And not expose my boob to my poor unsuspecting co-workers. Or storytime dads. (No, really, there was no boob exposure. I was careful.)

Ah well, pumping time is over. I had a whole thing about closure I wanted to talk about and whether or not it was necessary in the end of a friendship or if it was better to just fade away but alas I have no time left. 

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New beginning

Whenever I start my new life it's usually on a Monday and never works out, so I figured I'd mix it up a bit and start on a Thursday.

Some crap is going to happen in the next month or 2. The Princess will be having surgery. The best friend will be moving thousands of miles away and I'll bet it will be before the surgery. I am NOT going to let this get me down. If I want my children to grow up happy and well adjusted I need to be a good role model. I'm not saying that I want them sheltered or that it's better to be in denial about things... but I need to be more positive. I am the happiest I have ever been being at home with them. I am where I belong. I kick ass. SkyWalker loves learning and we do the letter of the week and we're having a great time and not just watching TV. The Princess is happy and content. I am doing a good job as a mom and I'm going to stop pretending I'm not. It sucks that the Princess will be having surgery, but it's good that we're getting this done now. I don't want her on amoxicillin for the rest of her life! It sucks that my best friend is moving. I don't believe that she's coming back even if that's what they're saying now. And that sucks. But it's not the end of the world. We'll survive. Our friendship will survive. I will survive. SkyWalker will survive. There are worse things in life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and is my everything. I have the family I've always wanted and needed. I have a good life. And goddamnit I'm going to be happy about it.

And if I don't get up at 5:30 tomorrow morning and exercise who cares?! I am going to stop beating myself up. I am a mom with 2 young kids and 2 dogs, one of whom is still recovering from surgery. I'm doing pretty damn good. I'm only going up from here.

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I can't think of a catchy title

We had the Princess's 2nd ultrasound today (luckily just an ultrasound and not VCUG). The kidney dilation is still there. Looks like her 2nd ureter on the right side is not going into the bladder where it should be (well, duh, it's not even supposed to be there!). To confirm this they will send some type of scope up her hoo-ha to get an image of things. They're pretty sure they're right. So they'll cut her open and fix it. They'll take the bad ureter and attach it to the good one and then she should be okay for the rest of her life. We'll be able to stop the damn amoxicillin (that I have to refill tonight damnit) as soon as she recovers from surgery.

It hasn't completely sunk in that once again one of my babies will be having surgery. SkyWalker was 6 months old when he had his hypospadius surgery. The Princess is only 4 months old and it should be done before she's 6 months. Luckily she is so big and healthy and thriving and she can afford to lose a pound if it comes to that. But it still just sucks. I think one of the worst things any parent can hear is that her child needs surgery. There are certainly worse things, and worse surgeries, but she is still my baby.

They'll call us to schedule the scope procedure and the surgery. Should be in the next month or 2. Hopefully it will be in October and not interfere with Thanksgiving when we go to Long Island. I think he said it'll be an overnight. She'll have a catheter just like SkyWalker did. Sigh. I am hoping that the timing is such that I don't need to take off work but the Princess is very much a Mama's girl... she may just need Mama (and Mama's boobs) to feel better afterwards.

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Sigh

This is my first weekend at work.

Besides the fact that I no longer actually enjoy working or care at all, this is also the first day that I will be away from the Princess for more than a couple of hours. It will be 8 1/2 hours by the time I get home (and she will hopefully be napping when I do get home). I'm not quite sure how I am still breathing.

It did not help that she was up TWICE last night. She's been up since she got her shots. I hope it hasn't turned into a habit. I am *so* tired.

It's only 9:30.

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Good News

Just got a call from my MIL. FIL has a bladder infection. They're sending him home with some antibiotics. I guess it's common when you're on narcotics. This has been handled so wrong from the very get-go and I don't know who's at fault. They should have told him the warning signs so he could get seen right away. He should  have been seen by a doctor at the hospital right away. And his own urologist didn't even see him until today! Didn't know he was there! He should have been the first one called. I don't know if my FIL didn't give all the information right away or if the hospital just didn't process it right away but it seems like a lot of balls were dropped. In any event, he's being released and I really didn't think that was going to happen. 

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There's always something

Right? There's just always something.

FIL is still in the hospital. He wasn't eating and was getting sick, which is common with chemotherapy, but it was really bad. After being in the hospital for over 24 hours they finally talked to a doctor. They thought his bowels were obstructed, but after talking to him more they decided to check his bladder (the new one). They put a catheter in and it was totally full. He wasn't emptying it... that *might* be why he didn't want to eat. Now they have to figure out what's wrong with his new bladder. And if that's even what's causing this latest setback. Cancer is a bitch.

SkyWalker is using his new laptop right next to me. It's very cute but I wish the volume didn't chirp.

Yesterday I took both kids to the local firehouse so I could vote in a very important primary. They wouldn't let me vote! Apparently when you switch parties it doesn't take effect until after a national election. What the hell??? So I registered as a republican for no reason, I had to drag the kids out for no reason, I had to drag Haze into the house so I could leave FOR NO REASON! Argh. When we got home I only had an hour before we had to leave for the doctor. The Princess had fallen asleep and miraculously stayed asleep in the garage (she does not sleep outside the home), so I left the kids in the car, ran in the house, got SkyWalker's school bag (with his extra underwear) threw some books in there, and we left again. SkyWalker fell asleep on our way to Burger King. I went through the drivethru and headed to the pediatrician for the Princess's 4 month check up. As soon as we got there she woke up. At least she got 45 minutes to sleep. SkyWalker was still sleeping so I scarfed down my burger. He woke up, ate most of his chicken nuggets and we headed in to the doc. (for those who care, the Princess is now 14 lbs, 4 oz, 24 5/8 inches). Everything went fine. Finally got home at 4 pm and my wonderfully understanding boss (thanks The Nice Librarian) had left a message on the machine telling me to just stay home (we weren't sure if Vader was going to make it home from the hospital in time and it turns out that because he was able to stay later he could actually hear what the doctor said, so it was really good that I was home). It was a hell of a day.

The Princess slept like crap last night and now has a fever from those damn shots. SkyWalker was adamant that we not go to gymnastics again, and since the Princess needed her sleep I decided to just drop out, I was glad I did when I woke her up and she had a fever and screamed for 30 minutes before I got her to nurse. I feel a little bad about giving up on gymnastics after only one time, but SkyWalker was very insistent that he did NOT LIKE GYMNASTICS and he kept saying he likes soccer and wants to go there. So we'll have storytime on Tuesdays and soccer on Thursdays and the Princess (and Mama) will get to recover at home on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. If he didn't have soccer, or was saying the same thing about soccer I would still bring him to gymnastics. But because he so strongly stated that he liked one and not the other I don't think this is just a "I want to stay home" ploy.

Oh yeah, I read in the paper that the very important primary was decided by only 6 votes (and not in the way I wanted it)!!! Damnit! I wonder if anyone else was turned away for the same reason. I'm sure if anyone did change parties to vote, it would have been for the same reason I did it and our guy might have won if we could have voted!

Damn local politics.

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Little good, little bad

Today is SkyWalker's 3rd birthday. It's been a wonderful day. Lots of fun and Denny's, can't beat that. :-) He had a great birthday party on Saturday and I had 4 boys going down the slide head-first. I am so glad we got that playset this summer and didn't wait! He did so much better at soccer last week than he did at gymnastics and when we went to storytime at the library he got into it and danced with a teddy bear on his head. So good times.

FIL is in the emergency room today. He hasn't been eating and has been in pain. Not good when you have cancer. We haven't heard anything yet. I feel so bad for my husband... only child... he has no one else to really share this with.

Break time is over. I swear the Princess just said "Hello". Maybe it was "eeooowww." Hmmm. Anyway, there is fussiness now.

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Second chances

Yesterday we went to gymnastics. I envisioned young SkyWalker going off and climbing on equipment instead of my head and having a grand time and me being able to feed the Princess in peace.

That did not happen.

SkyWalker went out to the gym floor, sat while the other kids did their stretches and followed directions and he did NOTHING. He wasn't bad or misbehaving. He just did NOTHING. The worst part was the look on his face. I will never ever forget it. He had a look of horror and sadness and fear and loneliness and it broke my heart. I left the Princess with another mom who also had a 4 month old with her and was a kind soul, and I ran out there and he said he had to pee so I took him to the bathroom but he didn't really have to pee. He was just looking for excuses to get the hell out of there. He asked, pleaded, to go sit on the chairs in the waiting area and then to just go home. I wouldn't let him even though it would have been so easy for me to go home. I woke the Princess up early from her nap, potentially screwing up her entire day, just so he could do this. I made us stay hoping he would warm up. He did not.

It wasn't until late last night when I was in the shower and finally broke down and cried that I realized why it bothered me so so much. I recognized myself in his face. I hate being in large groups. I hate being in the middle of things when I don't know anybody. I hate talking to strangers and meeting people and trying to make friends. I am always essentially alone. And in that look, that look of horror and fear, I saw myself. And it just killed me. I've done this to him. I've made him this way with my genes and my prefer to be home attitude. He was fine in daycare 4 months ago and I have ruined him.

I feel slightly better today thanks to the help of some very wonderful online friends (but see--*online* friends). We're going to give gymnastics another try. Maybe even a few weeks. See how it goes. Today is soccer and hopefully kicking the ball will be enough of a lure to break through his shyness and maybe if he does good today he'll be better at gymnastics next week (gymnastics is closer to him and there might be kids he'd go to school with so I really don't want to just give it up).

I know that all kids go through shy periods and that we've never done anything like this before and all of the other logical ways to look at this. I know it all logically. But emotionally... and right now as my best friend and SkyWalker's best friend prepare to move to the other side of the country this just hit me really really hard. I see how SkyWalker is with him. He's happy and playful and outgoing and fun. All I can do is try to break the curse and keep taking SkyWalker to these things with groups of kids and hope he does better than his mother.

I mean, how can you not be friends with a kid who looks at you over breakfast and says "My try to fart now." and follows it up with "My fart a little bit."

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Mishmash

The Princess rolled over last Thursday and SkyWalker and I were there to witness it. This is why I am home. :-)

I am tired as usual, and more tired because I am sleeping later in the morning. I've gotten into this vicious circle--I don't get out of bed in the morning until the last minute because I am lacking in energy and somewhat depressed and I am somewhat depressed and lacking in energy BECAUSE I'm not getting out of bed in the morning! Bah.

My best friend has found someone to buy her house and this is just the first step in her moving away. And as much as she can say she's coming back, I just won't believe it until I see it. 

I am so unbelievably happy being at home with my kids and everything is working out great there and yet I am so sad because I don't have any friends to share it with. We're starting gymnastics and soccer this week so SkyWalker can try to meet new people, but I've given up on the idea of me ever having friends again.

We're having SkyWalker's birthday party on Saturday. I can't believe he'll be 3 on Monday. It's gone so fast. I can't believe we found out I was pregnant with the Princess a year ago (on his second birthday). And now she'll be 4 months old on Saturday. It's just amazing.

Vader is going to Buffalo tomorrow and staying until Thursday. He'll be home late Thursday so I will have to deal with the kids and the dogs by myself. This will suck donkey balls.

I really need to remember to bring tissues into this office so I can wipe myself after I pump. If I dribble boob-milk on my pants again I'm going to be annoyed.

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Back in the saddle

I can't believe I'm working.

Well, I'm at work.

Right now I am in the office pumping. I don't know whose computer this is but it is green and freaking my eyes out. I am glad that I don't have to worry about how much I get... I'm really pumping just to keep up my supply since I'm missing a feeding. I don't think my left boob likes the pump. Hmmm. I'm not worrying since I have a huge stockpile.

100_1096

All of those things standing up are bags of my boob milk.

Everything has changed here. It's so weird to be back. It's weird to be part time. I was always on the other side of the fence... now I'm part time and trying to leave all the politics and bullshit behind.

The jedi are doing well. I am tired. The dogs bark too much. So same old same old.

I can hear children crying. But they're not mine so I don't care. Ha!

Next week we start gymnastics and soccer. I hope to get into the storytime here *coughcough* and then I'll have storytime on Tuesdays, Gymnastics on Wednesdays and soccer on Thursdays. It's all at roughly the same time 10-10:30 so hopefully the Princess will get used to being out and just adjust to it. I'll bring the baby bjorn though... she'll sleep in that but may not sleep in the carseat (she wakes up as soon as we stop driving. she's a nosy little thing). Hopefully SkyWalker will make some friends and get enough physical activity to stop climbing on my back. ;-)

Pumping time over. Back to working. 

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The problem with breastfeeding

is that when I'm having some kind of gastrointestinal issues, 9 times out of 10 so is the baby. Groan. I've alternated between changing diarrhea diapers and using the bathroom myself. And she's nursing more to make herself feel better and of course I am the only one who can provide that. I really hope this is a 24 hour thing and is over soon.

Isaac made it through surgery okay. I have to call after 10 to make sure we can pick him up today. It'll be another late night for Vader since the vet specialist is about 2 hours away. And another late night for me, taking care of wake up to bedtime all by myself again.

Who takes care of a sick mama when Mama is taking care of a sick baby?

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The Jedi leave the house

No, not for the first time, but we've only made small trips to the library and Target. Monday we went to the indoor playground across the river. There was NO ONE there. Defeats the purpose (socialization). Finally 2 boys showed up who live nowhere around here. SkyWalker had a good time though. Then we went to Denny's, SkyWalker thanked the waitress for his food without me telling him too, the Princess screamed when she did a huge poop, and I flashed some poor man when she accidently pulled my shirt down with her crazy arms (I was not even nursing). We had to use the library drive thru since they were both overdue for naps (I've gotten SkyWalker to nap again, woo-hoo!) and the Princess has decided she's no longer going to nap in her carseat. Should make the trip to LI real fun.

My left boob is about to explode. I fed her at 6:30 last night. It is 6:42 am now. She stirred at 5, I gave her the pacifier and reswaddled her and she went back to sleep. I could have/should have exercised this morning but I was afraid she would wake up in the middle of it. I'll go up there at 7 and wake her up if I need to. I remember the first few weeks thinking I would never get to this point, and yet here I am. And quicker than her brother. It's just amazing.

She gets more and more beautiful each day and smiles and laughs and is just happy. SkyWalker constantly makes me laugh and I still can't believe I'm here. It's not easy--juggling two kids, two dogs and a house but this is what I was meant to do. I'm even more sure of it now. While I like to say that my house is a mess, it's not. It's in relatively good condition. Laundry is done, the dishes are done. The bathrooms are cleaned every once in a while. ;-)

We went on a picnic yesterday in the backyard. All 3 of us. These are the things that I missed while working all day. Because we just didn't get around to that stuff on the weekend when I had laundry to do and other crap that had to be crammed into 2 days. Not to mention our weekly obligation to the in-laws. I wish that Vader could work less and had less lawn maintenance to do so he could enjoy some of this too. But his demands at work are growing and even though he's cut out mowing some of our lawn it still takes a good 5 hours to do the rest. And of course the in-laws take time away from us too.

Isaac is at the vet now. He slept there last night but his surgery is not until this afternoon. Vader said he was fine and happily went with the vet tech. (He's probably glad to be on a little vacation away from the kids!). Haze whined a lot last night but slept okay. SkyWalker was very gentle with her and put his little head on her back, rubbing her back and said "What the matter Haze?". Made me cry more.

I should have pumped some of my left side when I did the right this morning. Holy moly man. (I feed the left and pump the right for the first feed of the day). It's making me sweat and we all know that I do not sweat.

It's 6:54 now. I hear nothing. I think I'll go up there, give her the vitamin and get some relief.

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